I have been disappointed by those closest
to me.
I have been hurt by those that I hold dear.
I have felt forgotten by those whom I
should feel the most important to.
It was then that I realized I was wounded.
My heart had been hurting and I had been moving right along in an effort to not
stop long enough to think about it. A coping mechanism I learned long ago -
something I have been trying to unlearn for a few years.
I didn’t talk to anyone about this epiphany
for a few days. Finally, when I felt it was time to disclose this
self-discovery, I chose the most sound, unbiased person I know - my husband. He
is able to see all sides of a situation and he will tell me if I am way off. I
appreciate that about him.
I sat there in the car, thinking about why
I felt so bad for feeling the way I did. I came to the conclusion that it's
because I've taught myself that you aren't supposed to be mad at those you
love. I know this is not true, but it's what I've engrained in myself and it's
a hard thought process to break. Also, I have great empathy for others so I
give them a lot of room for mistakes and flaws. I am not saying this is a
good/bad thing, but I think I need to find a better balance. Also, I hate
conflict. I would rather live with hurt than cause someone to be upset at me or
think I am upset at them. Yeah, I have issues. :-)
Later on that evening, I was reminded of
how Jesus has never disappointed me, hurt me, lied to me, forgotten me,
neglected me, shunned me, ignored me, made me feel unimportant, left me alone -
He has never let me down. Somehow, this brought me great comfort. I know I can
always count on Him to visit me at my house, to be ready to spend time with me
whenever I want, to invite me to hang out with Him, to love on me when I feel
alone, to know exactly where I am and how I am feeling.
What an unbelievable relationship that is.
I don't know how He can love us the way He does, fill in the holes of our lives
so perfectly, care for us in a way that makes us feel so special - but He does.
I don't deserve this relationship, but He's always there for me.
Through this, I realized I have more to
express. A lot is going on in this girl. I need to let the notes from my heart
out more often - that's how I heal and move on. That's how I reflect and grow
in my relationship with Jesus. I know this may sound really strange to people,
but it's a big part of who I am. A part of me that I allow to lie dormant too
often.
