The lie that I can handle it [alone]

A couple of weeks ago I decided I would buy some peanut butter. I hadn't bought any in about a year because I found out I have a slight allergy to peanuts (all legumes). It makes my tongue itchy, tingly and gives me sores almost instantly.

Well, I decided I was doing so well that I could handle it. So, I bought a big jar for $4 compared to the little jar of almond butter for $7. I told myself that I was saving money and it was going to be fine. It wasn't. I made a huge peanut butter sandwich with banana slices. I thoroughly enjoyed it…for about two minutes. Then came the itchy tongue. Then the tingly tongue. Then the sore on the tip of my tongue.

I was frustrated that I couldn't just eat something I have eaten my whole life but I was more frustrated with myself. My track record told me what would happen but since I hadn’t had any issues, I just thought I could start eating peanut butter again. Wrong. I wasn’t having issues because I wasn't eating peanut butter – DUH! :-)

I started to think about how often I subconsciously believe the lie that I can handle it [alone]. It = any part of my life that I try to do in my own strength. I do well and my reliance on God starts dropping off. I don't notice right away but then there's a moment when I realize how very, very tired I am – just flat out weary from running on my human, exhaustible strength.

The truth is I can't handle life alone and I'm not made to handle it alone. Whether it’s thoughts, planning the future, showing love to others, eating healthy, exercising, working – WHATEVER "it" may be – I'm not built to do life without Christ's strength. Why? Because I am weak. And, in my surrendered weakness, His strength is perfect.

If I’m not relying on the Lord, I'm not making room for Him to work in my life.

If I’m not making room for Him to work in my life, I’m doing life alone.

If I’m doing life alone, I'm not fully surrendered to Christ.

It seems harsh, but it's true. At the heart of my relationship with Jesus, is giving Him my weak moments, my strong moments and everything in between. It must be continuous dependence on Him or else I'll lose myself in myself. I don't want that. Besides, there's so much more peace, rest and joy when I rely on Him and not myself.

Here are a few verses that remind me where to find my strength and how God honors a dependence on Him:

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. 1 Chronicles 16:11

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Corinthians 12:9

God told me to get over myself

Standing in the worship service, I was struggling to keep my thoughts at rest – thinking of how I felt frumpy in my outfit, my hair looking all crazy and…the list goes on. My mind was not focused on God because I was consumed with what I thought of myself and what others might be thinking of me.

In that moment, I felt God say, "Get over yourself. There is so much more going on if you would take your focus off yourself and place it on Me."

I was convicted. I asked God to forgive me. My mind became clear and my heart began to soar. Conviction led to repentance which led to such a freedom.

Not thinking about myself frees me to be who God has created me to be. The real me that isn’t concerned with what anyone else might think. The real me that is confident in my uniqueness. The real me that is free to be me.

Since I'm an introvert, I'm naturally extra self-aware. So, what do I do when I realize I need to get over myself?

Focus on God. Sounds simple, right? It takes intentional effort and discipline but it’s so necessary for me. Especially when I can sense that I'm over analyzing something I've done or said. The fastest way to nip it is to start thinking about all that I know to be true – God and His word. That’s where I renew my mind and begin to find peace in who He has made me to be. It’s like my mind is released from a prison where crazy fairies torturously rule. 

Focus on others. Once I’ve recalibrated my perspective from myself to God, I can see others with a clear lens. In fact, the plaguing self-magnifying glass is removed and I am freed to think of others. Thinking of others leads to praying for them which also leads to looking for a way to meet their needs. And, that’s so much more rewarding.

Focus on what matters. Focusing on God and others takes my eyes off the details that have no eternal bearing. I am reminded that the true heart of life is love, joy and peace which supersede the little details that can entangle my mind. Whew, what a relief! It’s a relief to release myself from the dead-end thoughts and mental exhaustion of what DOESN’T even matter. With that new-found energy and focus, I can contribute to what I know matters.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting over myself is more than worth it. 

Notes from my heart

The other day I was driving and started singing my deepest thoughts and feelings. What came out was completely unexpected. I actually felt bad for saying it out loud. I won't go into the details, but to sum it up:

I have been disappointed by those closest to me.

I have been hurt by those that I hold dear.

I have felt forgotten by those whom I should feel the most important to.

It was then that I realized I was wounded. My heart had been hurting and I had been moving right along in an effort to not stop long enough to think about it. A coping mechanism I learned long ago - something I have been trying to unlearn for a few years.

I didn’t talk to anyone about this epiphany for a few days. Finally, when I felt it was time to disclose this self-discovery, I chose the most sound, unbiased person I know - my husband. He is able to see all sides of a situation and he will tell me if I am way off. I appreciate that about him.

I sat there in the car, thinking about why I felt so bad for feeling the way I did. I came to the conclusion that it's because I've taught myself that you aren't supposed to be mad at those you love. I know this is not true, but it's what I've engrained in myself and it's a hard thought process to break. Also, I have great empathy for others so I give them a lot of room for mistakes and flaws. I am not saying this is a good/bad thing, but I think I need to find a better balance. Also, I hate conflict. I would rather live with hurt than cause someone to be upset at me or think I am upset at them. Yeah, I have issues. :-)

Later on that evening, I was reminded of how Jesus has never disappointed me, hurt me, lied to me, forgotten me, neglected me, shunned me, ignored me, made me feel unimportant, left me alone - He has never let me down. Somehow, this brought me great comfort. I know I can always count on Him to visit me at my house, to be ready to spend time with me whenever I want, to invite me to hang out with Him, to love on me when I feel alone, to know exactly where I am and how I am feeling.

What an unbelievable relationship that is. I don't know how He can love us the way He does, fill in the holes of our lives so perfectly, care for us in a way that makes us feel so special - but He does. I don't deserve this relationship, but He's always there for me.

Through this, I realized I have more to express. A lot is going on in this girl. I need to let the notes from my heart out more often - that's how I heal and move on. That's how I reflect and grow in my relationship with Jesus. I know this may sound really strange to people, but it's a big part of who I am. A part of me that I allow to lie dormant too often.