Notes from my heart

The other day I was driving and started singing my deepest thoughts and feelings. What came out was completely unexpected. I actually felt bad for saying it out loud. I won't go into the details, but to sum it up:

I have been disappointed by those closest to me.

I have been hurt by those that I hold dear.

I have felt forgotten by those whom I should feel the most important to.

It was then that I realized I was wounded. My heart had been hurting and I had been moving right along in an effort to not stop long enough to think about it. A coping mechanism I learned long ago - something I have been trying to unlearn for a few years.

I didn’t talk to anyone about this epiphany for a few days. Finally, when I felt it was time to disclose this self-discovery, I chose the most sound, unbiased person I know - my husband. He is able to see all sides of a situation and he will tell me if I am way off. I appreciate that about him.

I sat there in the car, thinking about why I felt so bad for feeling the way I did. I came to the conclusion that it's because I've taught myself that you aren't supposed to be mad at those you love. I know this is not true, but it's what I've engrained in myself and it's a hard thought process to break. Also, I have great empathy for others so I give them a lot of room for mistakes and flaws. I am not saying this is a good/bad thing, but I think I need to find a better balance. Also, I hate conflict. I would rather live with hurt than cause someone to be upset at me or think I am upset at them. Yeah, I have issues. :-)

Later on that evening, I was reminded of how Jesus has never disappointed me, hurt me, lied to me, forgotten me, neglected me, shunned me, ignored me, made me feel unimportant, left me alone - He has never let me down. Somehow, this brought me great comfort. I know I can always count on Him to visit me at my house, to be ready to spend time with me whenever I want, to invite me to hang out with Him, to love on me when I feel alone, to know exactly where I am and how I am feeling.

What an unbelievable relationship that is. I don't know how He can love us the way He does, fill in the holes of our lives so perfectly, care for us in a way that makes us feel so special - but He does. I don't deserve this relationship, but He's always there for me.

Through this, I realized I have more to express. A lot is going on in this girl. I need to let the notes from my heart out more often - that's how I heal and move on. That's how I reflect and grow in my relationship with Jesus. I know this may sound really strange to people, but it's a big part of who I am. A part of me that I allow to lie dormant too often.