Wounded by the will of God

After almost three years of trying, we haven't been able to conceive. I've had several surgeries to remove Endometriosis and yet it aggressively grows back. We've done IUI (Intrauterine insemination) a few times but it hasn't been successful. What is God doing?

As I process where we are, I have many questions and emotions. I've been fumbling through moments of grief, disappointment and hurt but also peace, joy and trust. Fleshing out believing for a miracle while trying to surrender my desires to God is difficult.

In the beginning of this journey, I fully believed God would give us a biological baby. Month after month of no baby, my plans have been undone.  I cannot make MY plans happen. I’ve had to face the reality of where God appears to be leading us – whatever that looks like.

Most days I teeter between I still believe God CAN but I am not sure he WILL. So, where does that leave me? In limbo. I am finding that this place of uncertainty requires trust and continual surrender. It’s not an easy place to live yet I am constantly reminded to turn to the cross for what I need.

While singing these verses during worship this past Sunday, I had a deeper realization of the cross:

Where can I go
But to the cross to the cross
For there You gave
Up Your life for me
You gave Your life for me

You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior
You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior

So Lord I run
To the cross to the cross
Surrender all to my Savior King
Be my everything

Jesus knows what it's like to be asked to sacrifice. He knows what it's like to give something up. He knows what it's like to be wounded by the will of God. He said yes and God did the most incredible miracle – salvation for all came from Jesus surrendering his life.

This brings me so much comfort. Not just because a miracle is in the making, but because Jesus knows what it's like to feel loss and hurt and still choose to say yes to whatever God would ask. I can run to the cross and find that I am not alone in my suffering. I am not alone in my pain and fear.

If God is asking me to surrender my ability to have children, I am saying yes. I am saying yes to His will and to whatever incredible miracle He has waiting on the other side.