Keeping my conversations with God open

The other day I was talking with my mom about surgery. She was telling me that she's looking forward to the relief I'll have being pain-free. She was being as positive as she could.

When I got off the phone I had a sense that she was still processing a lot of sadness but maybe felt she had to be “pumped up” for me. I knew I needed to call her back and tell her it's okay to be sad and that she can talk about it with me.

I called her a couple of nights later. I told her exactly what I felt I should and she began to cry. She said she was sad. She said she didn’t want her baby girl to have to go through this. She said she couldn't believe the Endo had already grown back and that she truly believed I would be pregnant by now. She said she's still praying for God to heal me.

I could relate to 100% of what she said because I am still mourning and processing myself. I let her know that I've been keeping my conversations with God open because I don't want to get stuck. He can handle my questions, He can handle my emotions, He can handle me not understanding – He can handle it all.

So many times we go through dark times thinking just have faith. While that is true, there also has to be a deeper level of communion with God. If I don’t keep my conversations with God real, I could end up in a permanent state of disillusionment. I don’t want that for myself and I don’t want that for my mom.

For me, keeping it real means inviting God into every part of my life and acknowledging His sovereignty in the tough places. It’s about giving Him my best and my worst days, letting Him shape my perspective, trusting Him when I can’t see, and talking to Him about what’s going on in my heart.