Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

I have nothing to prove to Jesus

Feeling understood is really important to me. When I don't feel understood, I try to think of ways to make others truly understand. When that doesn't work, it's frustrating but I just have to walk away knowing some things cannot be explained or understood.

With all that has gone on with my hysterectomy, there have been times I've felt misunderstood. There have been times I've felt like I have to prove I'm okay but I'm in a process that just takes time. Because of that, I've felt exhausted just thinking about telling people how I’m doing.

Physically, I still have a little swelling and tenderness. I get sore after sitting for too long because some muscles have been on vacation. I’m still in the process of gaining my energy back but I am feeling more like myself each week! It's wonderful to be on this side of things yet I still don't have a date that I know I'll be fully 100%. Am I ready to run a 5k? No. It takes months to completely heal after this surgery. I’m taking it easy and recovering the right way. On the outside, I look fine but my body isn't there yet and that’s okay.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. Specifically, I'd like to publicly answer the most asked question, “Are you depressed?” No, thank the Lord! I've spent a lot of time reflecting and praying and folks, I'm just plain old grieving. I’m still hurting but it’s a natural part of the process.

Before and after surgery, we prayed that God would keep me from emotional crazytown and He has. I continue to talk to God about how I'm feeling and ask Him to show me emotions I need to deal with but to not let me get stuck in a hole. He's been faithful to answer that prayer. I frequently talk to Dave and tell him how I'm feeling. We both have our moments but we continue to move forward, allowing each other time and grace to grieve.

The other day a good friend of ours called Dave to tell him that he and his wife know my hysterectomy wasn't an event that took care of everything and that it’s all over now. He made sure we know that they realize it's something we're still dealing with and they are still praying for us. My first thought was, “Thank you for getting it!!”

Not everyone does get it and I have to accept that. I have to accept it could be people I love dearly that mean well but think it's all or nothing – that I'm either totally fine or totally a wreck. One huge comfort is that Jesus always gets it. Always.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove to Jesus. He knows. He knows my thoughts, my motives and my desires. He knows the depths of my heart. I don't have to explain to make Him understand. There are times I cannot utter the words and He's there to comfort me. There are times I tell Him "all about it" and I’m thankful it doesn't have to be a long conversation that leaves me feeling frustrated because I KNOW He understands. What other person in my life can I say that about? As much as others may try, they are still human. Jesus is the only one who can always understand me. And, that's why I want to keep pouring my heart out Him – so the one who knows me best can be at work in me.

During my time in prayer this week, I started with, "Lord, this hurts to know I'll never carry a baby…" but after many tears and confessions of raw emotions, I felt His loving arms around me and my prayer ended with, "Lord, I believe You will do something spectacular through this and You will use Dave and I to bring You glory." My heart swelled with faith and anticipation for what He is going to do. 

Although we're hurting, we're running to Jesus and we're seeing Him change our hearts in ways that could never have happened before. Through our brokenness, He is working in us. Yes, it's painful but it's beautiful and powerful because it's HIM not US.