Facebook is full of life
announcements. Whether it's what someone ate for lunch, who they ran into at
the mall or what color of toe nail polish they chose for the day – it’s all the
latest and greatest news. That's one thing I love about Facebook because I enjoy
feeling caught up with the everyday stuff of my FB friends.
Well, it seems most everyone is
about to give birth or getting pregnant. I'm happy for all of them but it
forces me to face my situation. It forces me to face my hurt and
disappointment. It also forces me to ask God what He has in store for me.
When you've had a life-altering
surgery that has removed your womb, it can be difficult to see pregnancy and
birth announcements day after day. Not that I don’t feel sincere joy and
happiness for those people, it's just that I am still hurting.
So, what do you do when
everyone's having babies around you? I can only speak for myself but some days
I cry. Some days I call Dave and tell him how hard it is to know God didn't
allow me to conceive. Some days I tell God I still don’t understand.
But, then some days I sit in
amazement of how blessed I am to be with my soul mate and that my life is
complete. Some days I thank God for healing me through surgery so I don't have
to live with the pain of Endometriosis. Some days I think about how BIG God is
and how much GREATER His plans are.
I need to have those days of
crying and questioning to truly process this grief. I need to ask God the tough
questions – even if I don't get the answers, my heart needs to rid itself of
them. I need to breathe those days in but also exhale them so they don't turn
into a toxic mindset.
I also need to have those days
when I see my many blessings and His hands at work in my life. I need to thank
Him for everything – I could be in such a different place had it not been for
His saving grace. I need to breathe those days in and exhale them to others
walking a similar path.
I believe we aren't meant to
get stuck in our pain, but I also believe we aren’t meant to hold our stories
with a vice grip so that no one else can share in the faithfulness of God.
As an introvert, it can be hard for
me to share what God is doing in my heart but it’s so important to allow others
in so He can use my situation to encourage someone else.
Writing is free therapy that
allows me to do both. It’s where I can find a home for my deepest thoughts and
emotions while using it as an outlet for expression. I cannot just write to
write – it has to be real and it has to mean something.
Which brings me back to where I
am. I am living out this disappointment in front of the world (or so it seems).
It’s not something I can hide from. I am in a vulnerable place but a place maybe
someone else can relate to.
So, I write and I share where I am. Where I truly
am. Because, if I don’t share where I truly am, I’ll never truly connect with
the soul of another. I'm not willing to risk that, not for a facade of perfection or a masked seclusion.
