God doesn't waste pain

Photo by There Is Grace

I was privileged to guest post for my friend, Nancy, who is recovering from surgery. To read a piece of my story that many may not know, visit There Is Grace.

A rogue eyelash from Hades

Ever had a rogue eyelash? I had one for several years and didn't know it was the mystery thing I was constantly trying to get out of my eye.

I spent a lot of time searching for whatever was scratching my eye only to end up frustrated when I found nothing. It may sound silly but it was a huge nuisance that afflicted me daily.

This was the saga of my right eye until last year when I had the great idea of using my super-magnifying mirror at an angle. To my amazement, it was an eyelash growing towards my eye. I was so excited to finally have an answer.

I remembered hearing somewhere that eyelashes never grow back if you pluck them. I figured I had plenty of eyelashes and I was done with how this tiny eyelash messed with me. I confidently took my tweezers and plucked that baby. The relief was immediate and the freedom my eye felt was a confirmation of my decision.

Until this week, I had been free from that rogue eyelash from Hades. To my dismay it has grown back!! Someone out there is wrong...eyelashes do grow back. They grow back and they repeat the same offense. Not cool. Thankfully, I already have the answer and I have a date with my magnifying mirror to pluck it again.

My point, you ask? Dealing with a rogue eyelash can be a lot like dealing with life.

Sometimes the most natural reaction isn’t right. In my search for the source of my discomfort, I never thought it was my own eyelash growing towards my eye. It was natural to think it was something that had fallen in my eye and not that my own eye was causing the problem. When I evaluate situations to see what went wrong and I can’t say I start with myself first because, let’s face it, that’s not fun. I’m learning to kick pride out which means I have to force myself to look at me first. This isn’t a natural response; it’s actually quite painful. But, every single time I humble myself in this way, it brings such growth and peace.

Sometimes it just takes a different angle to truly see the situation. It wasn’t until I flipped the mirror sideways that the light shined on that eyelash. It wasn’t a one dimensional kind of situation and life’s situations aren’t either. There’s always more going on than what I can conceive and when I take the time to see all sides, I gain insight which brings understanding. Many times, understanding is the pathway to resolution – when I validate someone by acknowledging where they’re coming from, I see and deal with them through eyes of grace.

Sometimes the same issue has to be dealt with more than once (maybe repeatedly) but that doesn’t mean defeat. Dealing with my eyelash is symbolic of all the places I have to continually confront and uproot from my life. It may be a small matter that can easily be “plucked” once a year or it may be a huge matter that takes some serious thought, prayer and energy several times a year. It can be so discouraging to face the same thing over and over, but the key is to keep walking with consistency. If I remind myself I have battled this before and that I know how to win, I will win again. 

God told me to get over myself

Standing in the worship service, I was struggling to keep my thoughts at rest – thinking of how I felt frumpy in my outfit, my hair looking all crazy and…the list goes on. My mind was not focused on God because I was consumed with what I thought of myself and what others might be thinking of me.

In that moment, I felt God say, "Get over yourself. There is so much more going on if you would take your focus off yourself and place it on Me."

I was convicted. I asked God to forgive me. My mind became clear and my heart began to soar. Conviction led to repentance which led to such a freedom.

Not thinking about myself frees me to be who God has created me to be. The real me that isn’t concerned with what anyone else might think. The real me that is confident in my uniqueness. The real me that is free to be me.

Since I'm an introvert, I'm naturally extra self-aware. So, what do I do when I realize I need to get over myself?

Focus on God. Sounds simple, right? It takes intentional effort and discipline but it’s so necessary for me. Especially when I can sense that I'm over analyzing something I've done or said. The fastest way to nip it is to start thinking about all that I know to be true – God and His word. That’s where I renew my mind and begin to find peace in who He has made me to be. It’s like my mind is released from a prison where crazy fairies torturously rule. 

Focus on others. Once I’ve recalibrated my perspective from myself to God, I can see others with a clear lens. In fact, the plaguing self-magnifying glass is removed and I am freed to think of others. Thinking of others leads to praying for them which also leads to looking for a way to meet their needs. And, that’s so much more rewarding.

Focus on what matters. Focusing on God and others takes my eyes off the details that have no eternal bearing. I am reminded that the true heart of life is love, joy and peace which supersede the little details that can entangle my mind. Whew, what a relief! It’s a relief to release myself from the dead-end thoughts and mental exhaustion of what DOESN’T even matter. With that new-found energy and focus, I can contribute to what I know matters.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting over myself is more than worth it. 

I used to be Michael Bublé's "Lost" girl

Last week I was listening to Pandora when “Lost” by Michael Bublé came on. I was reminded of the first time I ever heard it and how I was so taken with the lyrics. At that time, I felt like it was my life's story. I played it many times, seeing myself in the lines yearning for a different season.

Summer turned to winter

And the snow had turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the girl you are today

My sunny days had disappeared and all I could see was rain. I had been in a marriage that had scarred my heart by continuous deception and betrayal. I was living a life I never expected for myself.

The last verse of the song resonated in my heart: Baby, you’re not lost. I really wanted that to be true, but it just wasn't. I was so lost. Lost in my pain. Lost in my broken dreams. Lost in a hole that I wasn’t sure I’d come out of.

Over the next year, I felt released to walk away from that marriage. God began a work of emotional healing in me that only He could do. The deep parts of my heart were being restored and I was becoming whole again.

The process was difficult because it was a process not an event. It happened over time and the Lord used many people to encourage and help rebuild the broken places in my life. God had graciously given me a wonderful support group that walked with me as I started this new path alone.

When I moved to Springfield, I was still in that process of healing. A couple of months later I was in a service when I felt God show me that my heart was whole again. It was a beautiful moment of realization. I cried happy tears of complete wholeness for the first time in years.

I used to be that “lost” girl, but I'm not anymore. I thank God I'm not anymore. God redeems the lost – people, hearts, dreams – all of it. God restores the broken and makes it whole again.

Today, I face a different struggle but I face it with a whole heart and with my best friend. Dave loves me in a way I’ve never known before and it gives me courage, strength and joy for this unknown journey. That season of being lost was hard, but it makes where I am that much more incredible and I'm grateful for that.

What do you do when everyone's having babies around you?

Facebook is full of life announcements. Whether it's what someone ate for lunch, who they ran into at the mall or what color of toe nail polish they chose for the day – it’s all the latest and greatest news. That's one thing I love about Facebook because I enjoy feeling caught up with the everyday stuff of my FB friends.

Well, it seems most everyone is about to give birth or getting pregnant. I'm happy for all of them but it forces me to face my situation. It forces me to face my hurt and disappointment. It also forces me to ask God what He has in store for me.

When you've had a life-altering surgery that has removed your womb, it can be difficult to see pregnancy and birth announcements day after day. Not that I don’t feel sincere joy and happiness for those people, it's just that I am still hurting.

So, what do you do when everyone's having babies around you? I can only speak for myself but some days I cry. Some days I call Dave and tell him how hard it is to know God didn't allow me to conceive. Some days I tell God I still don’t understand.

But, then some days I sit in amazement of how blessed I am to be with my soul mate and that my life is complete. Some days I thank God for healing me through surgery so I don't have to live with the pain of Endometriosis. Some days I think about how BIG God is and how much GREATER His plans are.

I need to have those days of crying and questioning to truly process this grief. I need to ask God the tough questions – even if I don't get the answers, my heart needs to rid itself of them. I need to breathe those days in but also exhale them so they don't turn into a toxic mindset.

I also need to have those days when I see my many blessings and His hands at work in my life. I need to thank Him for everything – I could be in such a different place had it not been for His saving grace. I need to breathe those days in and exhale them to others walking a similar path.

I believe we aren't meant to get stuck in our pain, but I also believe we aren’t meant to hold our stories with a vice grip so that no one else can share in the faithfulness of God.

As an introvert, it can be hard for me to share what God is doing in my heart but it’s so important to allow others in so He can use my situation to encourage someone else.

Writing is free therapy that allows me to do both. It’s where I can find a home for my deepest thoughts and emotions while using it as an outlet for expression. I cannot just write to write – it has to be real and it has to mean something.

Which brings me back to where I am. I am living out this disappointment in front of the world (or so it seems). It’s not something I can hide from. I am in a vulnerable place but a place maybe someone else can relate to. 

So, I write and I share where I am. Where I truly am. Because, if I don’t share where I truly am, I’ll never truly connect with the soul of another. I'm not willing to risk that, not for a facade of perfection or a masked seclusion.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

Sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank

Ask me what I picture ahead in the future and I can’t give anything definitive. I’ve always been able to picture something (school, work, kids) but I can’t see anything right now.

Does this mean that I’m lost? It might seem that way but I believe sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank so He can paint the picture for me. I believe this is one of those times I will look back and see how much more beautiful this season of my life turns out simply because I let Him.

It's so tempting to just start doing something on that blank canvas because I have a need to see progress. In fact, my natural tendency is to plan out details of the future. My human mind likes to analyze and get it all figured out. To be honest, many times I’ve found myself ahead of God which ultimately wasted a lot of my mental and emotional energy.

I can only plan so far then I have to step away and trust.

That’s not always easy for a natural born planner (me!). But, I know this is a time God is asking me to take my hands off of the paintbrush and give it to Him. As hard as it is for my flesh, I do it and I will likely have to keep doing it many more times. That’s another natural tendency of mine – taking back something I’ve surrendered to God because I see how I could make it work or control the situation.

Again, it all comes back to a transfer of trust.

It’s letting go of my need to know and taking hold of the hand of the One who is truly in control and will lead me through the unknown future. There isn’t a better place to be. There isn’t a better guide to have. There isn’t a better artist to paint my blank canvas.