5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

This month marks four years since my hysterectomy. I've been settling some thoughts in my heart and want to share them.

5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

1] When I hold your babies or play with your children, I wish they were mine. Your children are precious and I enjoy them, but it doesn’t cross my mind. The closest thought I have is I wonder what our child would have been like? Thank you to all of our friends and family who share your sweet kiddos with us!

2] I avoid Mother’s Day services because I cannot handle it. That might be the case for some but I steer clear for your sake. I don’t want others to have to worry about consoling me. Instead, we go to Silver Dollar City where no one knows and we just have fun.

3] I have a hole in my heart and feel my life is incomplete. While it takes time to heal from the disappointment [maybe forever], my heart is whole and my life is full. There’s not a day that I wake up and think something is missing. I’m grateful to God for that.
4] Fostering or adoption is the next step. Not always and that’s okay. We know these are huge, life-changing decisions built around following God’s plan for us. We still don’t know what is ahead of us but it can, and likely will, look different from anyone else we know.
5] I feel like less of a woman. This is another area where God has graciously protected me. My identity and self-worth are not tied to reproduction. I may not be able to share in the birthing or breastfeeding conversations, but I’m still a woman with a lot of other conversations yearning to be had.

I share these pieces of my heart to let you know I'm okay. Even though it still hurts, at times, I'm happy and look forward to the future. I look forward to seeing God's plans for us continually unfold, as we trust Him. I look forward to Him using our story to help others.

The lie that I can handle it [alone]

A couple of weeks ago I decided I would buy some peanut butter. I hadn't bought any in about a year because I found out I have a slight allergy to peanuts (all legumes). It makes my tongue itchy, tingly and gives me sores almost instantly.

Well, I decided I was doing so well that I could handle it. So, I bought a big jar for $4 compared to the little jar of almond butter for $7. I told myself that I was saving money and it was going to be fine. It wasn't. I made a huge peanut butter sandwich with banana slices. I thoroughly enjoyed it…for about two minutes. Then came the itchy tongue. Then the tingly tongue. Then the sore on the tip of my tongue.

I was frustrated that I couldn't just eat something I have eaten my whole life but I was more frustrated with myself. My track record told me what would happen but since I hadn’t had any issues, I just thought I could start eating peanut butter again. Wrong. I wasn’t having issues because I wasn't eating peanut butter – DUH! :-)

I started to think about how often I subconsciously believe the lie that I can handle it [alone]. It = any part of my life that I try to do in my own strength. I do well and my reliance on God starts dropping off. I don't notice right away but then there's a moment when I realize how very, very tired I am – just flat out weary from running on my human, exhaustible strength.

The truth is I can't handle life alone and I'm not made to handle it alone. Whether it’s thoughts, planning the future, showing love to others, eating healthy, exercising, working – WHATEVER "it" may be – I'm not built to do life without Christ's strength. Why? Because I am weak. And, in my surrendered weakness, His strength is perfect.

If I’m not relying on the Lord, I'm not making room for Him to work in my life.

If I’m not making room for Him to work in my life, I’m doing life alone.

If I’m doing life alone, I'm not fully surrendered to Christ.

It seems harsh, but it's true. At the heart of my relationship with Jesus, is giving Him my weak moments, my strong moments and everything in between. It must be continuous dependence on Him or else I'll lose myself in myself. I don't want that. Besides, there's so much more peace, rest and joy when I rely on Him and not myself.

Here are a few verses that remind me where to find my strength and how God honors a dependence on Him:

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. 1 Chronicles 16:11

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Corinthians 12:9

Sharing my story

I was honored to share my story at Hysterectomy.org for Hysterectomy Awareness Month. When pain finds purpose, there’s a level of comfort and assurance that also brings healing and hope. To read my story, visit the link below http://www.hysterectomy.org/christys-hysterectomy-story/ 

Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]

I load up all of my emotions and give them to Jesus. Sometimes I think I'm rid of them but end up taking them back, unpacking them and wearing them all over again.

I think, for the most part, it's a process. I wish I could always pack them up, give them to Jesus and never see them again. I love those rare times when they are gone for good, but that's just not what real life looks like because I'm human.

It's pretty wonderful how Jesus is always willing to carry my baggage. He lovingly takes it from me, even when it's the same stuff over and over. I never sense frustration or judgment. That's because He truly knows what it's like to live in our world.

While I’m not an outwardly emotional person, I am a thinker which can lead me through many thoughts and emotions that can easily drain the life out of me. What can I do to consistently give Jesus my emotional baggage, but also allow Him to change what my baggage looks like?

Be aware of what I'm carrying. I consider myself to be a "strong" person and I tend to bear burdens that Jesus didn't intend for me to carry – for myself or for others. It's important for me to evaluate what I'm carrying because I can easily find myself under a heaping load, trying to carry it all by myself.

I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! Numbers 11:14

This scripture is when Moses was leading the people out of Egypt. He was weary from being the sole person in charge. His awareness of carrying the overwhelming load led to his vocalization to God for help. In that instant, God gave Him the wisdom to deal with the situation and relief came.

It is the same for me...when I finally see I’m carrying too much and ask God for help, He provides some form of an answer that brings relief. Routinely checking myself can save me a lot of wasted energy.

Hand it all over. The moment I recognize I'm dealing with emotions that only Jesus can touch or heal, I must surrender them to Him. It’s a place of total submission – no longer wanting to control and knowing I truly can’t control.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I Peter 6:7

I love it when I see something I have never seen before. I’ve quoted the second part of this verse many times but what an impact the first has. Humbling myself under the mighty hand of God comes before casting all my cares on Him.

Why is that? Because that’s an act of surrender and it’s the only way I can fully surrender my cares. An amazing thing happens when I do this, I feel a peace and a lightness that allows me to rest in Him.

Realize I don't have to take it back, or at least not all of it. I don’t always see this when it’s happening because it usually happens over time, piece by piece I take back all of the junk. For me, this occurs in the mental realm and I’m learning to not only sift through my thoughts/emotions but also refuse the ones I identify as untruths.

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:4-6

God has given us weapons of warfare directly connected to our thoughts and this is confirmation that many of the biggest battles are within the mind. The only way to counter the attacks of lies from the enemy and self is to rely on God’s word – the absolute truth that breathes life and hope into weary despair.

I’m not always successful when it comes to using scripture to fight the mental battle of emotions, but when I do, there’s a shift in my spirit and my perspective becomes clearer. I begin to see things for what they truly are and stop holding on to baggage that just isn’t true or healthy – this is when I see the transformation take place and Jesus helps me redefine what I allow to stay.

Yes. Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]. If I left it at bellhop, what kind of relationship would that be? "Here, take my baggage. I'll tip you for a good job done but give it back to me in the same condition you found it." 

No. If I let Him, Jesus not only takes my baggage, but He helps me to release what I'm not meant to carry, to discard the things that hold me down and He sets me free from bondage. In Him, I find true freedom – freedom to live and be who He has called me to be. 

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Perfect vessels in glass cases

While praying for a friend going through a rough season, God showed me a powerful illustration.

I saw a clear, glass case with a pristine ship inside of it. I then saw hands take it out and put it in stormy waters. I watched the ship as the waves beat upon it. Although it was being whipped by the wind and waves, it never capsized or fell apart.

I felt God say, "I've taken this perfect vessel out of its glass case so I can show the world My master craftsmanship. It is of no use to Me unless I take it out and show what it’s made of.”

Like my friend, many faithful followers of Christ go through unexpected storms in life. I don’t have the answers for this suffering, but I can say a few things that I know for sure:

A life surrendered to God is used to speak to others in their own storm. Living in a place of surrender brings about a true reliance on God and it’s that dependence on Him that carries us through the rough waters. Watching others faithfully walk through their storms encourages me to keep walking and challenges me to keep my heart in a place of surrender.

Serving God through the storm brings Him glory. By staying on the ship during the storm, we point to God as the ultimate shipbuilder. Even as the ship is being tossed around, God’s favor and protection surrounds us. God built the ship to withstand the storm so, if I can just stand firm, He’ll bring me through and it will glorify His name.

Faith is strengthened in preparation for the future. As God upholds the vessel, a deep trust is formed – a trust that no force on earth can shatter. This is the kind of heart posture God looks for in His servants and it is what will take us to the places and hearts He has prepared for us. Learning to live in that deep trust will always strengthen my faith and lead me to the next steps God has for me.

Perfect vessels in glass cases are pretty to look at, but they haven’t truly been used by the One who made them. They haven’t really seen or tasted life. They serve only to be admired for their appearance not their strength and endurance. 

It’s the scraped and scarred vessels who have faced the raging storms and survived that are the most beautiful. In their darkest hour, they courageously find strength and peace in the palm of their Master’s hand. That’s the kind of vessel I want to be. At the risk of never seeing the glass case until Heaven, I pray God continues to place me where He can use me…even if that be a stormy sea.

I used to be Michael Bublé's "Lost" girl

Last week I was listening to Pandora when “Lost” by Michael Bublé came on. I was reminded of the first time I ever heard it and how I was so taken with the lyrics. At that time, I felt like it was my life's story. I played it many times, seeing myself in the lines yearning for a different season.

Summer turned to winter

And the snow had turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the girl you are today

My sunny days had disappeared and all I could see was rain. I had been in a marriage that had scarred my heart by continuous deception and betrayal. I was living a life I never expected for myself.

The last verse of the song resonated in my heart: Baby, you’re not lost. I really wanted that to be true, but it just wasn't. I was so lost. Lost in my pain. Lost in my broken dreams. Lost in a hole that I wasn’t sure I’d come out of.

Over the next year, I felt released to walk away from that marriage. God began a work of emotional healing in me that only He could do. The deep parts of my heart were being restored and I was becoming whole again.

The process was difficult because it was a process not an event. It happened over time and the Lord used many people to encourage and help rebuild the broken places in my life. God had graciously given me a wonderful support group that walked with me as I started this new path alone.

When I moved to Springfield, I was still in that process of healing. A couple of months later I was in a service when I felt God show me that my heart was whole again. It was a beautiful moment of realization. I cried happy tears of complete wholeness for the first time in years.

I used to be that “lost” girl, but I'm not anymore. I thank God I'm not anymore. God redeems the lost – people, hearts, dreams – all of it. God restores the broken and makes it whole again.

Today, I face a different struggle but I face it with a whole heart and with my best friend. Dave loves me in a way I’ve never known before and it gives me courage, strength and joy for this unknown journey. That season of being lost was hard, but it makes where I am that much more incredible and I'm grateful for that.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

How to expect great things from God after bad things happen

After experiencing loss or tragedy, it’s easy to lose sight of God’s goodness and His plan. I’ve found that the junk of life can somber my spirit and my expectancy for what God has for me. I’m very self-aware, almost too much at times, so I have been evaluating my heart and I know I need God’s help to refresh my hope for the future.

My infertility and hysterectomy aren’t the first times I’ve suffered great heartache. Before God brought Dave into my life, I was in a ten year marriage to a man I met in bible college. Within the first year of marriage, he spiraled into a life of addiction. It took many years full of pain, heartbreak and disappointment before I felt a release to walk away.

I look back on those years and see how I clung to God and how He faithfully covered me. Even when it felt like my life was so broken and I didn’t understand what was going on, God saw ahead to where I am now. Of all that happened during that time, my relationship with God ran deep, I knew He would bring me through it all.

Since then, I’ve met and married my soul mate – a term I never fully understood until Dave. My heart is whole and my life is so full. I cannot thank God enough for where I am today and all He’s given me. Because of what I went through before, these blessings remain fresh and that’s a tremendous gift.

In light of feeling so blessed, I have been fighting discouragement about the future and wondering if my life will be filled with a series of bad things. I know this is not a healthy or biblical mindset. Even if bad things were destined to happen, God doesn’t want me to focus on these thoughts because they conjure up fear, worry and doubt which not only contradict His word but deteriorate peace, joy and hope.

For me, the best way to dispel discouragement and lies is to rely on God’s word. I don’t mean just read some verses and say a little prayer. I mean, search out the verses that speak to me and meditate on them until they sink deep into my heart and soul – until my mind is transformed.

I’m retraining myself how to expect great things from God after bad things happen and God’s word is removing the untruths that try to entangle my heart and mind.

Remember who God is. I’m reading about how God loves and takes care of His children that serve Him. Here are some verses that remind me who God is:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember God’s plan. I’m relying on scriptures that reassure me that God works His plan regardless of the circumstance. Here are some key verses that I’m meditating on to keep my mind in check about God’s plan for me:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember what God’s already done. I’m recounting times in my life that God faithfully worked in and through a situation. As I do this, thankfulness overflows and faith begins to rise. Here are some verses that remind me what God has already done for me:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Yes, bad things have happened and there are days I find myself still grieving the loss of my womb, but I can also still believe God for the best in my life. That doesn’t mean I blindly believe for anything no matter what; it means I believe for the best and trust that God will work out His plan in the best way possible no matter what. He’s my loving Father and what loving father wouldn’t want the best for his child? 

The Chronicles of HysterNarnia: The Surgery, the Recovery and the Future

The Surgery

We arrived at the hospital @ 6:15am, checked in and I was able to change into my glamorous surgery wardrobe. If you’ve ever had surgery, you know how exciting it is to wear a backless gown with people coming in and out of the room. J So, I just hung out in my breezy gown, no-slip socks and awesome blue “hat” while I was asked about twenty times if I knew my name and birthdate.

Our pastor came to see us about 7am and prayed with us. I am a very visual person so metaphors are powerful to me. When pastor prayed that angels would surround me with their wings and protect me, it was a beautiful moment picturing their wings and feeling God’s precious peace.

Soon after I was wheeled off to surgery waiting where I was given the good stuff and pretty much didn’t care about anything else. I had been looking forward to the good stuff all morning. J I remember saying goodbye to Dave and then the next thing I know I was waking up from surgery.

Waking up is the first step in recovery but it’s an important one. Many people who have surgery fear there will be a complication with the anesthesia and will not wake up. God faithfully watched over me and I made it through.

Upon waking up, I was really nauseous which tends to happen to me after anesthesia. They gave me everything they could but I still had severe nausea. On top of that, I was having quite a bit of pain and pressure where I had internal stitches. I started to get concerned that this surgery would be harder than my other ones. About thirty minutes later the nurses took out some packing and that was a TRIP. It was the packing/gauze that never ended….like a clown trick she kept pulling and it kept coming. But, once they pulled that out, the severe pain and pressure went away along with the nausea. The pain level was more like what I was used to and that was a relief to know I could handle it.

I can’t tell you how comforting it was to have our friend (who works at the hospital) there the next time I woke up in my room. He just held my hand and I felt so blessed to have such a great friend.

Next was Dave. Seeing him was the ultimate comfort. He came to my side and reassured me. He told me surgery had lasted four hours because the Endometriosis was so bad again – it had grown all over my colon. He told me my doctor had called in other surgeons to help her with the colon and then she finished the hysterectomy. I was surprised but not surprised. I had been in a lot of pain but didn’t really know it would be that bad so soon. It was yet again another confirmation of the Lord’s leading and our decision to have the surgery.

Dave traded with my mom so she could come and see me. I know it was hard on her to see me like that but having her with me made all the difference. Before surgery we sat on my couch and I cried on her shoulder. After surgery she was there to give me drinks and feed me crackers. She has a way of helping that never makes me feel like a burden. She’s one of the best earthly examples of God’s love. Not to mention the fact that she stayed with me in the hospital that night – she had to sleep on a cot in the middle of the room with another patient just a few feet away and nurses running around all night. J I guess any mom might do that but I still believe my mom is exceptional.

The Recovery

After proving I was a good patient (being able to empty my bladder and pass *ahem* wind), I was released from the hospital. I was really glad to be going home but the ride home was uncomfortable. I had a pillow clenched to my stomach the entire time because every little bump in the road is felt when you’re sore and swollen. Over the years, Dave has learned to become an expert bump averter when driving me after surgery.

I went straight from the car to the couch where we had prepared a lovely spot to park myself several hours during the day. Let’s just say there’s a permanent indention there as I type. J The one good thing about having several other surgeries is that we have become somewhat pros at preparing and preventing when it comes to postop problems or issues.

Between Dave and my mom, they made every meal, helped me up and down, helped me get dressed/undressed and did all of the housework. My mom even went the extra mile and helped me with some “stuff” in the bathroom. Yeah, she might actually be an angelic being.

The first two weeks were a challenge but what amazing friends and family we have! We received flowers from our church, Dave’s co-workers and my dad & stepmom. This is the first time to receive flowers after a surgery and I really didn’t think it would be a big deal but they were so uplifting to our spirits. To add to the beauty, my mom gave me bright and cheery balloons but they have since retired so I wasn't able to get a good photo of them.

  

 

My co-workers gave us a sweet card containing gift cards to our favorite restaurants. This was no small thing and it truly touched our hearts. The notes in my card made me smile, brought me to tears and simply made my day. Dave and I just sat there overwhelmed with their love.

One of our dear friends set up a Meal Train and we have meals covered until February 25 which is a HUGE blessing since Dave is taking care of everything and back to work now. The same friend and her husband came over with their cutie pie kids to bring us a meal and they also gave us two amazing care baskets full of our favorite treats, soda and coffee. It was so incredibly thoughtful of them and humbling for us to be loved in such a lavish manner.

 

 

To sum it all up, we have been absolutely blown away by the love and generosity of our community around us. The support we have felt has been healing balm to our hearts and we are so grateful.

The Future

In the words of the wise (Arnold Schwarzenegger accent), “Da futcha is now!” LOL. Sorry, that’s really the first thing I think of when I hear or say the word future. J

I had my 2 week checkup last week and it was very positive. I’m healing well and on my way to full recovery. The best news of all is that my doctor said I would have had menopause symptoms by now if I was going to. Other than feeling a little warm at night, which I attribute to my three layers of clothing, I haven’t had one single negative symptom. I feel great and that means no hormone replacement therapy! Praise the Lord!!

I have 3 weeks left of recovery and am still very limited on what I can do. I forgot how lame daytime TV is – who really watches all of the court shows?? We don’t have cable so now that I’m able to maneuver the laptop, I’ll be writing and scouring the web for movies and documentaries that Dave would never want to watch. J

Maybe next week I’ll try to drive. My doctor said that I should wait until I know I can stomp on the brake and not be in pain…yeah, next week I might try that. I still can’t lift or carry anything over 5-10 lbs so there goes hoisting Dave on my shoulders while shouting “He’s #1!” I can fold laundry so I see a lot of that in my days ahead. I’m trying to focus on what I can do AND reminding myself this is a short season overall.

As for what our plans are for children. Honestly, we are not sure what the next step will be. I do ask you would be praying for us in this area. We are looking to the Lord and relying on Him to direct our steps. Our desire is for the Lord to use us and to bring purpose from our pain. He is the best Redeemer.

Donuts and cappuccinos

I've asked God to help me start processing the possibility of having a full hysterectomy because I tend to power through my storms and then I deal with an aftermath of emotion once it's all over. Powering through is good for getting life done but it's not good for living life now. It's also not a healthy way to cope. 

Recently I noticed that I allow myself to eat donuts and drink cappuccinos a lot more than I used to. My normal self would say that's not very disciplined and I haven't worked out enough to indulge. However, my learning to cope self has decided it's okay.

Now, eating donuts and drinking cappuccinos without regard is only good for a season so I couldn't do this the rest of my life. But, during this particular season, my heart is telling me to cut myself some slack and I'm listening to my heart a little more than my mind which is a huge change for me.

Another change for me is knowing and respecting my limitations. There are times that I leave a baby shower a little early. There are times that I strategically exit conversations about birthing stories. There are times that I get overwhelmed with emotion and go to the bathroom to cry. These are absolutely necessary for me to cope with where I am.

Along with those times that I have to guard against "baby void overload," there are also beautiful love notes from God that help soothe my aching heart. There are times I get letters and drawings from my nephews and it brings me to happy, satisfying tears. There are times my friends let me pick up their children from the nursery after church and their sweet little smiles bring me so much joy. There are times a little one picks me out of group to love on and I feel so special.

I’ve become more aware of how I’m feeling when I’m in a situation and, for the most part, I allow myself to fully feel it. This doesn’t give me a pass to be an emotional basket case or require others to tiptoe around me. I want my friends and family to be themselves. I want them tell me cute stories about their kids. I want to be invited to birthday parties and baby showers. I want to live life as it is but not stuff everything that I’m really going through on the inside.

So, I’m just living life and that might look like a lot of different things at different times but that is what tells me I’ve grown in the coping department. My former coping scenario looked a lot like this – Smile, keep moving and you’ll get through this. Now it’s more like – Smile if you can but cry if you need to, keep moving if you can but stop to regroup if you need to and you’ll get through this but enjoy life as it is now.

This change in my thinking hasn’t come simply through my own doing; God is teaching me. I'm trying to lean on Him for wisdom and let His grace carry me through this season. He lovingly sends me reminder after reminder that I’m not alone. Without Him, there would be no coping because there would be no hope.

You Who Serve at Night

Recently I was recovering from surgery and had a lot of time to think, read, pray and become unbearably bored with daytime TV. During this time of recovery, I was bombarded with emotions, doubts, fears, hopes, dreams and everything in between. My mind tends to be a place of struggle. I needed to allow God in to help me win the battles that rage so I decided to take time each day to find some key verses that I could meditate on and rely on when I felt a mental storm brewing. One of those days, I came across these verses:

Psalm 134
Oh, praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord,
you who serve at night in the house of the Lord.
Lift up holy hands in prayer,and praise the Lord.
May the Lord, who made heaven and earth,
bless you from Jerusalem.

I had probably read it several times not seeing it the way I did this particular time. I felt like I was reading about myself. I have served the Lord since I was fifteen. My life has gone down some pretty tough roads and I've had some pretty dark nights. So, this verse is about me and it's probably about you, too.

When I look around my world, I see...A tired mother trying to provide for her children while their father is in prison. A broken-hearted husband holding out hope that his wife will come back to him and God will restore their marriage. A single woman trusting God to bring her a mate while her friends and family marry and move on. A man who feels trapped in his job but he's waiting on God to open the right door. A wife who feels alone in her parenting and household responsibilities. A father praying for his prodigal children to find their way back to God. A woman who desires a child but month after month, it hasn't happened yet. And so many more devoted Christians going through their own personal "night" while they faithfully serve the Lord.

These verses are meant to encourage us during the dark nights - to reach out to Him. What a beautiful picture of praise through pain. Healing through brokenness. Trust through the unknown. My own personal "night" looks a lot like this:

I will praise the Lord,
even through the dark nights of sickness and heartache will I serve Him.
I will lift up my hands in prayer and I will praise the Lord.
I will count on Him, the maker of heaven and earth,
to heal me, make me whole and full of His joy as I journey on.

You who serve at night, joy and peace are yours in His presence.