5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

This month marks four years since my hysterectomy. I've been settling some thoughts in my heart and want to share them.

5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

1] When I hold your babies or play with your children, I wish they were mine. Your children are precious and I enjoy them, but it doesn’t cross my mind. The closest thought I have is I wonder what our child would have been like? Thank you to all of our friends and family who share your sweet kiddos with us!

2] I avoid Mother’s Day services because I cannot handle it. That might be the case for some but I steer clear for your sake. I don’t want others to have to worry about consoling me. Instead, we go to Silver Dollar City where no one knows and we just have fun.

3] I have a hole in my heart and feel my life is incomplete. While it takes time to heal from the disappointment [maybe forever], my heart is whole and my life is full. There’s not a day that I wake up and think something is missing. I’m grateful to God for that.
4] Fostering or adoption is the next step. Not always and that’s okay. We know these are huge, life-changing decisions built around following God’s plan for us. We still don’t know what is ahead of us but it can, and likely will, look different from anyone else we know.
5] I feel like less of a woman. This is another area where God has graciously protected me. My identity and self-worth are not tied to reproduction. I may not be able to share in the birthing or breastfeeding conversations, but I’m still a woman with a lot of other conversations yearning to be had.

I share these pieces of my heart to let you know I'm okay. Even though it still hurts, at times, I'm happy and look forward to the future. I look forward to seeing God's plans for us continually unfold, as we trust Him. I look forward to Him using our story to help others.

Sharing my story

I was honored to share my story at Hysterectomy.org for Hysterectomy Awareness Month. When pain finds purpose, there’s a level of comfort and assurance that also brings healing and hope. To read my story, visit the link below http://www.hysterectomy.org/christys-hysterectomy-story/ 

Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]

I load up all of my emotions and give them to Jesus. Sometimes I think I'm rid of them but end up taking them back, unpacking them and wearing them all over again.

I think, for the most part, it's a process. I wish I could always pack them up, give them to Jesus and never see them again. I love those rare times when they are gone for good, but that's just not what real life looks like because I'm human.

It's pretty wonderful how Jesus is always willing to carry my baggage. He lovingly takes it from me, even when it's the same stuff over and over. I never sense frustration or judgment. That's because He truly knows what it's like to live in our world.

While I’m not an outwardly emotional person, I am a thinker which can lead me through many thoughts and emotions that can easily drain the life out of me. What can I do to consistently give Jesus my emotional baggage, but also allow Him to change what my baggage looks like?

Be aware of what I'm carrying. I consider myself to be a "strong" person and I tend to bear burdens that Jesus didn't intend for me to carry – for myself or for others. It's important for me to evaluate what I'm carrying because I can easily find myself under a heaping load, trying to carry it all by myself.

I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! Numbers 11:14

This scripture is when Moses was leading the people out of Egypt. He was weary from being the sole person in charge. His awareness of carrying the overwhelming load led to his vocalization to God for help. In that instant, God gave Him the wisdom to deal with the situation and relief came.

It is the same for me...when I finally see I’m carrying too much and ask God for help, He provides some form of an answer that brings relief. Routinely checking myself can save me a lot of wasted energy.

Hand it all over. The moment I recognize I'm dealing with emotions that only Jesus can touch or heal, I must surrender them to Him. It’s a place of total submission – no longer wanting to control and knowing I truly can’t control.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I Peter 6:7

I love it when I see something I have never seen before. I’ve quoted the second part of this verse many times but what an impact the first has. Humbling myself under the mighty hand of God comes before casting all my cares on Him.

Why is that? Because that’s an act of surrender and it’s the only way I can fully surrender my cares. An amazing thing happens when I do this, I feel a peace and a lightness that allows me to rest in Him.

Realize I don't have to take it back, or at least not all of it. I don’t always see this when it’s happening because it usually happens over time, piece by piece I take back all of the junk. For me, this occurs in the mental realm and I’m learning to not only sift through my thoughts/emotions but also refuse the ones I identify as untruths.

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:4-6

God has given us weapons of warfare directly connected to our thoughts and this is confirmation that many of the biggest battles are within the mind. The only way to counter the attacks of lies from the enemy and self is to rely on God’s word – the absolute truth that breathes life and hope into weary despair.

I’m not always successful when it comes to using scripture to fight the mental battle of emotions, but when I do, there’s a shift in my spirit and my perspective becomes clearer. I begin to see things for what they truly are and stop holding on to baggage that just isn’t true or healthy – this is when I see the transformation take place and Jesus helps me redefine what I allow to stay.

Yes. Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]. If I left it at bellhop, what kind of relationship would that be? "Here, take my baggage. I'll tip you for a good job done but give it back to me in the same condition you found it." 

No. If I let Him, Jesus not only takes my baggage, but He helps me to release what I'm not meant to carry, to discard the things that hold me down and He sets me free from bondage. In Him, I find true freedom – freedom to live and be who He has called me to be. 

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

I used to be Michael Bublé's "Lost" girl

Last week I was listening to Pandora when “Lost” by Michael Bublé came on. I was reminded of the first time I ever heard it and how I was so taken with the lyrics. At that time, I felt like it was my life's story. I played it many times, seeing myself in the lines yearning for a different season.

Summer turned to winter

And the snow had turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the girl you are today

My sunny days had disappeared and all I could see was rain. I had been in a marriage that had scarred my heart by continuous deception and betrayal. I was living a life I never expected for myself.

The last verse of the song resonated in my heart: Baby, you’re not lost. I really wanted that to be true, but it just wasn't. I was so lost. Lost in my pain. Lost in my broken dreams. Lost in a hole that I wasn’t sure I’d come out of.

Over the next year, I felt released to walk away from that marriage. God began a work of emotional healing in me that only He could do. The deep parts of my heart were being restored and I was becoming whole again.

The process was difficult because it was a process not an event. It happened over time and the Lord used many people to encourage and help rebuild the broken places in my life. God had graciously given me a wonderful support group that walked with me as I started this new path alone.

When I moved to Springfield, I was still in that process of healing. A couple of months later I was in a service when I felt God show me that my heart was whole again. It was a beautiful moment of realization. I cried happy tears of complete wholeness for the first time in years.

I used to be that “lost” girl, but I'm not anymore. I thank God I'm not anymore. God redeems the lost – people, hearts, dreams – all of it. God restores the broken and makes it whole again.

Today, I face a different struggle but I face it with a whole heart and with my best friend. Dave loves me in a way I’ve never known before and it gives me courage, strength and joy for this unknown journey. That season of being lost was hard, but it makes where I am that much more incredible and I'm grateful for that.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

How to expect great things from God after bad things happen

After experiencing loss or tragedy, it’s easy to lose sight of God’s goodness and His plan. I’ve found that the junk of life can somber my spirit and my expectancy for what God has for me. I’m very self-aware, almost too much at times, so I have been evaluating my heart and I know I need God’s help to refresh my hope for the future.

My infertility and hysterectomy aren’t the first times I’ve suffered great heartache. Before God brought Dave into my life, I was in a ten year marriage to a man I met in bible college. Within the first year of marriage, he spiraled into a life of addiction. It took many years full of pain, heartbreak and disappointment before I felt a release to walk away.

I look back on those years and see how I clung to God and how He faithfully covered me. Even when it felt like my life was so broken and I didn’t understand what was going on, God saw ahead to where I am now. Of all that happened during that time, my relationship with God ran deep, I knew He would bring me through it all.

Since then, I’ve met and married my soul mate – a term I never fully understood until Dave. My heart is whole and my life is so full. I cannot thank God enough for where I am today and all He’s given me. Because of what I went through before, these blessings remain fresh and that’s a tremendous gift.

In light of feeling so blessed, I have been fighting discouragement about the future and wondering if my life will be filled with a series of bad things. I know this is not a healthy or biblical mindset. Even if bad things were destined to happen, God doesn’t want me to focus on these thoughts because they conjure up fear, worry and doubt which not only contradict His word but deteriorate peace, joy and hope.

For me, the best way to dispel discouragement and lies is to rely on God’s word. I don’t mean just read some verses and say a little prayer. I mean, search out the verses that speak to me and meditate on them until they sink deep into my heart and soul – until my mind is transformed.

I’m retraining myself how to expect great things from God after bad things happen and God’s word is removing the untruths that try to entangle my heart and mind.

Remember who God is. I’m reading about how God loves and takes care of His children that serve Him. Here are some verses that remind me who God is:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember God’s plan. I’m relying on scriptures that reassure me that God works His plan regardless of the circumstance. Here are some key verses that I’m meditating on to keep my mind in check about God’s plan for me:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember what God’s already done. I’m recounting times in my life that God faithfully worked in and through a situation. As I do this, thankfulness overflows and faith begins to rise. Here are some verses that remind me what God has already done for me:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Yes, bad things have happened and there are days I find myself still grieving the loss of my womb, but I can also still believe God for the best in my life. That doesn’t mean I blindly believe for anything no matter what; it means I believe for the best and trust that God will work out His plan in the best way possible no matter what. He’s my loving Father and what loving father wouldn’t want the best for his child? 

Donuts and cappuccinos

I've asked God to help me start processing the possibility of having a full hysterectomy because I tend to power through my storms and then I deal with an aftermath of emotion once it's all over. Powering through is good for getting life done but it's not good for living life now. It's also not a healthy way to cope. 

Recently I noticed that I allow myself to eat donuts and drink cappuccinos a lot more than I used to. My normal self would say that's not very disciplined and I haven't worked out enough to indulge. However, my learning to cope self has decided it's okay.

Now, eating donuts and drinking cappuccinos without regard is only good for a season so I couldn't do this the rest of my life. But, during this particular season, my heart is telling me to cut myself some slack and I'm listening to my heart a little more than my mind which is a huge change for me.

Another change for me is knowing and respecting my limitations. There are times that I leave a baby shower a little early. There are times that I strategically exit conversations about birthing stories. There are times that I get overwhelmed with emotion and go to the bathroom to cry. These are absolutely necessary for me to cope with where I am.

Along with those times that I have to guard against "baby void overload," there are also beautiful love notes from God that help soothe my aching heart. There are times I get letters and drawings from my nephews and it brings me to happy, satisfying tears. There are times my friends let me pick up their children from the nursery after church and their sweet little smiles bring me so much joy. There are times a little one picks me out of group to love on and I feel so special.

I’ve become more aware of how I’m feeling when I’m in a situation and, for the most part, I allow myself to fully feel it. This doesn’t give me a pass to be an emotional basket case or require others to tiptoe around me. I want my friends and family to be themselves. I want them tell me cute stories about their kids. I want to be invited to birthday parties and baby showers. I want to live life as it is but not stuff everything that I’m really going through on the inside.

So, I’m just living life and that might look like a lot of different things at different times but that is what tells me I’ve grown in the coping department. My former coping scenario looked a lot like this – Smile, keep moving and you’ll get through this. Now it’s more like – Smile if you can but cry if you need to, keep moving if you can but stop to regroup if you need to and you’ll get through this but enjoy life as it is now.

This change in my thinking hasn’t come simply through my own doing; God is teaching me. I'm trying to lean on Him for wisdom and let His grace carry me through this season. He lovingly sends me reminder after reminder that I’m not alone. Without Him, there would be no coping because there would be no hope.

.../\.../\.../\...Emotions.../\.../\.../\...

I've heard some women say they wished they didn't have emotions. While I do have my moments, I believe our emotions are what allow us to truly enjoy the great joys of our lives. The other side of the coin is that we feel the depth of despair.

Why do we women have so many drastic dips and spikes in our emotions? Well, we know hormones play a huge role, but what can we do about it? I've found that when I am eating healthier, exercising and spending time with God - I deal with my emotions much better. So, why do I get off track if I know these help me? Discipline. That's the key to balance and it's not always easy.

Discipline requires the death of one desire so another, better desire can grow stronger. I want to discipline myself to choose fruit over a baked good. That's going to take me choosing an apple even when I just want to shove a cookie in my mouth. I want to discipline myself to choose to jog over walking. That's going to take me choosing to run even when I'm tired. I want to discipline myself to read and pray everyday. That's going to take me choosing to manage my time better (and turn the TV off). I know fruit, running and my devotions are better for me than the alternatives. WHY is it so hard to choose them though? The wonderful world of fighting for discipline. Paul said that he did the things he didn't want to and didn't do the things he wanted to. We are not alone in this struggle.

Maybe if we start one piece of fruit at a time. One run at a time. One devotional at a time. Maybe then we can develop the discipline. Over time, with each victory, gaining more momentum. Maybe asking God for help. Asking Him to teach us how to live out the discipline we need.

God, I need Your help. I'm completely lost on my own.