If it's not real, it will fade

Day one: I had just gotten a glorious airbrush tan. Walking around with my freshly bronzed skin, I felt like a sun goddess. It was so nice to finally have some color - halfway through summer and I had been longing for that glow.

Day two: I went swimming with some friends. Putting on a swimsuit was an exciting event because I had a tan and everyone knows that tanned cellulite looks much better than pasty cellulite. :-) I looked down at my arms and legs and sighed with contentment at my brown skin.

Day three: I noticed that being in the pool the day before made my tan start to disappear. Still, I had my summer glow so I planned to enjoy it while I could. I lathered on the cocoa butter to make sure my skin was staying moisturized. I went to a pool party feeling so good about being in a swimsuit yet again.

Day four: Sadness. I could really start to see my tan fading. Two consecutive nights of swimming had accelerated the demise of my beautiful airbrush tan. I had a little glow but it was fading. I just kept lathering that cocoa butter lotion!

Day five: My tan was almost gone - fading fast and there was not enough cocoa butter out there to keep it alive.

Day six: It's pretty much gone. All of that "feeling good" about myself is pretty much gone, too. Why did I tie my tan to my self esteem? I blame Victoria's Secret. :-)

Moral of the Story: If it's not real, it will fade. My airbrush tan was a temporary illusion that made me feel good about myself and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, how many times do we allow something counterfeit to make us feel better for a few minutes, hours or days only to end up in the same place we started? (In some cases worse.) And, how many times do we allow the swimming pool of life to tarnish our spirit? Probably more often than we’d like to admit.

I want to live a life that that is real, a life that will not fade while I'm here or after I'm gone. I want a "glow" that doesn't disappear after a couple of days of "swimming." That kind of glow comes from within - from the best part of me - Him.

We all go through trials, pain, disappointment - struggles that have the potential to erode the beauty that should be emanating. The only way to keep that from happening is to lather ourselves with God. Talk to Him. Spend time with Him. Allow Him to fill us up with the REAL, good stuff from His word.

Tip: If you want a glow that doesn't fade, ask the Holy Spirit - He's the best in the business.

Take Me Back

A little song I wrote...it keeps running through my head today.

Take Me Back

Oh Lord, 

please take me back

to the place

of child-like faith

 

Take me back

to where I was once was

when I

believed You

for anything

 

Oh Lord, 

take me back

please take me back

Notes from my heart

The other day I was driving and started singing my deepest thoughts and feelings. What came out was completely unexpected. I actually felt bad for saying it out loud. I won't go into the details, but to sum it up:

I have been disappointed by those closest to me.

I have been hurt by those that I hold dear.

I have felt forgotten by those whom I should feel the most important to.

It was then that I realized I was wounded. My heart had been hurting and I had been moving right along in an effort to not stop long enough to think about it. A coping mechanism I learned long ago - something I have been trying to unlearn for a few years.

I didn’t talk to anyone about this epiphany for a few days. Finally, when I felt it was time to disclose this self-discovery, I chose the most sound, unbiased person I know - my husband. He is able to see all sides of a situation and he will tell me if I am way off. I appreciate that about him.

I sat there in the car, thinking about why I felt so bad for feeling the way I did. I came to the conclusion that it's because I've taught myself that you aren't supposed to be mad at those you love. I know this is not true, but it's what I've engrained in myself and it's a hard thought process to break. Also, I have great empathy for others so I give them a lot of room for mistakes and flaws. I am not saying this is a good/bad thing, but I think I need to find a better balance. Also, I hate conflict. I would rather live with hurt than cause someone to be upset at me or think I am upset at them. Yeah, I have issues. :-)

Later on that evening, I was reminded of how Jesus has never disappointed me, hurt me, lied to me, forgotten me, neglected me, shunned me, ignored me, made me feel unimportant, left me alone - He has never let me down. Somehow, this brought me great comfort. I know I can always count on Him to visit me at my house, to be ready to spend time with me whenever I want, to invite me to hang out with Him, to love on me when I feel alone, to know exactly where I am and how I am feeling.

What an unbelievable relationship that is. I don't know how He can love us the way He does, fill in the holes of our lives so perfectly, care for us in a way that makes us feel so special - but He does. I don't deserve this relationship, but He's always there for me.

Through this, I realized I have more to express. A lot is going on in this girl. I need to let the notes from my heart out more often - that's how I heal and move on. That's how I reflect and grow in my relationship with Jesus. I know this may sound really strange to people, but it's a big part of who I am. A part of me that I allow to lie dormant too often.