Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]

I load up all of my emotions and give them to Jesus. Sometimes I think I'm rid of them but end up taking them back, unpacking them and wearing them all over again.

I think, for the most part, it's a process. I wish I could always pack them up, give them to Jesus and never see them again. I love those rare times when they are gone for good, but that's just not what real life looks like because I'm human.

It's pretty wonderful how Jesus is always willing to carry my baggage. He lovingly takes it from me, even when it's the same stuff over and over. I never sense frustration or judgment. That's because He truly knows what it's like to live in our world.

While I’m not an outwardly emotional person, I am a thinker which can lead me through many thoughts and emotions that can easily drain the life out of me. What can I do to consistently give Jesus my emotional baggage, but also allow Him to change what my baggage looks like?

Be aware of what I'm carrying. I consider myself to be a "strong" person and I tend to bear burdens that Jesus didn't intend for me to carry – for myself or for others. It's important for me to evaluate what I'm carrying because I can easily find myself under a heaping load, trying to carry it all by myself.

I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! Numbers 11:14

This scripture is when Moses was leading the people out of Egypt. He was weary from being the sole person in charge. His awareness of carrying the overwhelming load led to his vocalization to God for help. In that instant, God gave Him the wisdom to deal with the situation and relief came.

It is the same for me...when I finally see I’m carrying too much and ask God for help, He provides some form of an answer that brings relief. Routinely checking myself can save me a lot of wasted energy.

Hand it all over. The moment I recognize I'm dealing with emotions that only Jesus can touch or heal, I must surrender them to Him. It’s a place of total submission – no longer wanting to control and knowing I truly can’t control.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I Peter 6:7

I love it when I see something I have never seen before. I’ve quoted the second part of this verse many times but what an impact the first has. Humbling myself under the mighty hand of God comes before casting all my cares on Him.

Why is that? Because that’s an act of surrender and it’s the only way I can fully surrender my cares. An amazing thing happens when I do this, I feel a peace and a lightness that allows me to rest in Him.

Realize I don't have to take it back, or at least not all of it. I don’t always see this when it’s happening because it usually happens over time, piece by piece I take back all of the junk. For me, this occurs in the mental realm and I’m learning to not only sift through my thoughts/emotions but also refuse the ones I identify as untruths.

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:4-6

God has given us weapons of warfare directly connected to our thoughts and this is confirmation that many of the biggest battles are within the mind. The only way to counter the attacks of lies from the enemy and self is to rely on God’s word – the absolute truth that breathes life and hope into weary despair.

I’m not always successful when it comes to using scripture to fight the mental battle of emotions, but when I do, there’s a shift in my spirit and my perspective becomes clearer. I begin to see things for what they truly are and stop holding on to baggage that just isn’t true or healthy – this is when I see the transformation take place and Jesus helps me redefine what I allow to stay.

Yes. Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]. If I left it at bellhop, what kind of relationship would that be? "Here, take my baggage. I'll tip you for a good job done but give it back to me in the same condition you found it." 

No. If I let Him, Jesus not only takes my baggage, but He helps me to release what I'm not meant to carry, to discard the things that hold me down and He sets me free from bondage. In Him, I find true freedom – freedom to live and be who He has called me to be. 

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

The Chronicles of HysterNarnia: The Surgery, the Recovery and the Future

The Surgery

We arrived at the hospital @ 6:15am, checked in and I was able to change into my glamorous surgery wardrobe. If you’ve ever had surgery, you know how exciting it is to wear a backless gown with people coming in and out of the room. J So, I just hung out in my breezy gown, no-slip socks and awesome blue “hat” while I was asked about twenty times if I knew my name and birthdate.

Our pastor came to see us about 7am and prayed with us. I am a very visual person so metaphors are powerful to me. When pastor prayed that angels would surround me with their wings and protect me, it was a beautiful moment picturing their wings and feeling God’s precious peace.

Soon after I was wheeled off to surgery waiting where I was given the good stuff and pretty much didn’t care about anything else. I had been looking forward to the good stuff all morning. J I remember saying goodbye to Dave and then the next thing I know I was waking up from surgery.

Waking up is the first step in recovery but it’s an important one. Many people who have surgery fear there will be a complication with the anesthesia and will not wake up. God faithfully watched over me and I made it through.

Upon waking up, I was really nauseous which tends to happen to me after anesthesia. They gave me everything they could but I still had severe nausea. On top of that, I was having quite a bit of pain and pressure where I had internal stitches. I started to get concerned that this surgery would be harder than my other ones. About thirty minutes later the nurses took out some packing and that was a TRIP. It was the packing/gauze that never ended….like a clown trick she kept pulling and it kept coming. But, once they pulled that out, the severe pain and pressure went away along with the nausea. The pain level was more like what I was used to and that was a relief to know I could handle it.

I can’t tell you how comforting it was to have our friend (who works at the hospital) there the next time I woke up in my room. He just held my hand and I felt so blessed to have such a great friend.

Next was Dave. Seeing him was the ultimate comfort. He came to my side and reassured me. He told me surgery had lasted four hours because the Endometriosis was so bad again – it had grown all over my colon. He told me my doctor had called in other surgeons to help her with the colon and then she finished the hysterectomy. I was surprised but not surprised. I had been in a lot of pain but didn’t really know it would be that bad so soon. It was yet again another confirmation of the Lord’s leading and our decision to have the surgery.

Dave traded with my mom so she could come and see me. I know it was hard on her to see me like that but having her with me made all the difference. Before surgery we sat on my couch and I cried on her shoulder. After surgery she was there to give me drinks and feed me crackers. She has a way of helping that never makes me feel like a burden. She’s one of the best earthly examples of God’s love. Not to mention the fact that she stayed with me in the hospital that night – she had to sleep on a cot in the middle of the room with another patient just a few feet away and nurses running around all night. J I guess any mom might do that but I still believe my mom is exceptional.

The Recovery

After proving I was a good patient (being able to empty my bladder and pass *ahem* wind), I was released from the hospital. I was really glad to be going home but the ride home was uncomfortable. I had a pillow clenched to my stomach the entire time because every little bump in the road is felt when you’re sore and swollen. Over the years, Dave has learned to become an expert bump averter when driving me after surgery.

I went straight from the car to the couch where we had prepared a lovely spot to park myself several hours during the day. Let’s just say there’s a permanent indention there as I type. J The one good thing about having several other surgeries is that we have become somewhat pros at preparing and preventing when it comes to postop problems or issues.

Between Dave and my mom, they made every meal, helped me up and down, helped me get dressed/undressed and did all of the housework. My mom even went the extra mile and helped me with some “stuff” in the bathroom. Yeah, she might actually be an angelic being.

The first two weeks were a challenge but what amazing friends and family we have! We received flowers from our church, Dave’s co-workers and my dad & stepmom. This is the first time to receive flowers after a surgery and I really didn’t think it would be a big deal but they were so uplifting to our spirits. To add to the beauty, my mom gave me bright and cheery balloons but they have since retired so I wasn't able to get a good photo of them.

  

 

My co-workers gave us a sweet card containing gift cards to our favorite restaurants. This was no small thing and it truly touched our hearts. The notes in my card made me smile, brought me to tears and simply made my day. Dave and I just sat there overwhelmed with their love.

One of our dear friends set up a Meal Train and we have meals covered until February 25 which is a HUGE blessing since Dave is taking care of everything and back to work now. The same friend and her husband came over with their cutie pie kids to bring us a meal and they also gave us two amazing care baskets full of our favorite treats, soda and coffee. It was so incredibly thoughtful of them and humbling for us to be loved in such a lavish manner.

 

 

To sum it all up, we have been absolutely blown away by the love and generosity of our community around us. The support we have felt has been healing balm to our hearts and we are so grateful.

The Future

In the words of the wise (Arnold Schwarzenegger accent), “Da futcha is now!” LOL. Sorry, that’s really the first thing I think of when I hear or say the word future. J

I had my 2 week checkup last week and it was very positive. I’m healing well and on my way to full recovery. The best news of all is that my doctor said I would have had menopause symptoms by now if I was going to. Other than feeling a little warm at night, which I attribute to my three layers of clothing, I haven’t had one single negative symptom. I feel great and that means no hormone replacement therapy! Praise the Lord!!

I have 3 weeks left of recovery and am still very limited on what I can do. I forgot how lame daytime TV is – who really watches all of the court shows?? We don’t have cable so now that I’m able to maneuver the laptop, I’ll be writing and scouring the web for movies and documentaries that Dave would never want to watch. J

Maybe next week I’ll try to drive. My doctor said that I should wait until I know I can stomp on the brake and not be in pain…yeah, next week I might try that. I still can’t lift or carry anything over 5-10 lbs so there goes hoisting Dave on my shoulders while shouting “He’s #1!” I can fold laundry so I see a lot of that in my days ahead. I’m trying to focus on what I can do AND reminding myself this is a short season overall.

As for what our plans are for children. Honestly, we are not sure what the next step will be. I do ask you would be praying for us in this area. We are looking to the Lord and relying on Him to direct our steps. Our desire is for the Lord to use us and to bring purpose from our pain. He is the best Redeemer.

Bathroom Stall Walls

Why do we (girls) write our hearts out on the bathroom stall walls?

I walked into a stall not too long ago and looked around at unashamed proclamations of love, among other phrases and a variety of nonsense. Why is that we feel so free to write our hearts so publicly? Why is that we can to tell our deepest thoughts and feelings to anyone who happens to read these walls?

Is it because we want to be heard? Is it because, on some level, we hope it will be more true when we write it. And, if it's written then it will be read. Are we so loose with our hearts and dreams that we share ourselves on dirty walls surrounding a toilet. If so, what does that mean?

Are we searching for validation? From whom? Only girls go into these stalls. Who are we speaking to? Other girls or ourselves? Are we such crazy-hearted girls that we must stake our claims in bathrooms - for our hearts to be read and reread by those who enter. What if what is written is never read? Is that where our thoughts and feelings die? What happens after the stall walls are full? Do we search to carve out our own space?

Through the madness of it all, there is something appealing about a crazy-hearted girl writing her love on the bathroom stall wall. It's not where I've chosen to tell the world my heart but it's something. What if we go through life and never express what we feel. Confession: I've never written on a bathroom stall wall but I've always wanted to. To be honest, I always thought those girls who did were brave (and a little foolish). More than anything, I was always afraid of what others might think. That's the point though. It's not about everyone else. In that moment of passion and craziness, it's about what's in the heart. What is dying to come out...out on the bathroom stall wall.

At some point, we leave that world behind. I wonder why? (Besides the fact that defacing public property is against the law.) Is that because we become ashamed of our hearts - insecure and unsure of ourselves? I believe we begin to censor ourselves as we mature and I don't think that's a bad thing. But, in our maturation, we can begin to filter parts of ourselves that were never meant to be filtered.

So, how do we liberate those places we've unnecessarily covered? We could start in the bathroom...