What do you do when everyone's having babies around you?

Facebook is full of life announcements. Whether it's what someone ate for lunch, who they ran into at the mall or what color of toe nail polish they chose for the day – it’s all the latest and greatest news. That's one thing I love about Facebook because I enjoy feeling caught up with the everyday stuff of my FB friends.

Well, it seems most everyone is about to give birth or getting pregnant. I'm happy for all of them but it forces me to face my situation. It forces me to face my hurt and disappointment. It also forces me to ask God what He has in store for me.

When you've had a life-altering surgery that has removed your womb, it can be difficult to see pregnancy and birth announcements day after day. Not that I don’t feel sincere joy and happiness for those people, it's just that I am still hurting.

So, what do you do when everyone's having babies around you? I can only speak for myself but some days I cry. Some days I call Dave and tell him how hard it is to know God didn't allow me to conceive. Some days I tell God I still don’t understand.

But, then some days I sit in amazement of how blessed I am to be with my soul mate and that my life is complete. Some days I thank God for healing me through surgery so I don't have to live with the pain of Endometriosis. Some days I think about how BIG God is and how much GREATER His plans are.

I need to have those days of crying and questioning to truly process this grief. I need to ask God the tough questions – even if I don't get the answers, my heart needs to rid itself of them. I need to breathe those days in but also exhale them so they don't turn into a toxic mindset.

I also need to have those days when I see my many blessings and His hands at work in my life. I need to thank Him for everything – I could be in such a different place had it not been for His saving grace. I need to breathe those days in and exhale them to others walking a similar path.

I believe we aren't meant to get stuck in our pain, but I also believe we aren’t meant to hold our stories with a vice grip so that no one else can share in the faithfulness of God.

As an introvert, it can be hard for me to share what God is doing in my heart but it’s so important to allow others in so He can use my situation to encourage someone else.

Writing is free therapy that allows me to do both. It’s where I can find a home for my deepest thoughts and emotions while using it as an outlet for expression. I cannot just write to write – it has to be real and it has to mean something.

Which brings me back to where I am. I am living out this disappointment in front of the world (or so it seems). It’s not something I can hide from. I am in a vulnerable place but a place maybe someone else can relate to. 

So, I write and I share where I am. Where I truly am. Because, if I don’t share where I truly am, I’ll never truly connect with the soul of another. I'm not willing to risk that, not for a facade of perfection or a masked seclusion.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

Sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank

Ask me what I picture ahead in the future and I can’t give anything definitive. I’ve always been able to picture something (school, work, kids) but I can’t see anything right now.

Does this mean that I’m lost? It might seem that way but I believe sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank so He can paint the picture for me. I believe this is one of those times I will look back and see how much more beautiful this season of my life turns out simply because I let Him.

It's so tempting to just start doing something on that blank canvas because I have a need to see progress. In fact, my natural tendency is to plan out details of the future. My human mind likes to analyze and get it all figured out. To be honest, many times I’ve found myself ahead of God which ultimately wasted a lot of my mental and emotional energy.

I can only plan so far then I have to step away and trust.

That’s not always easy for a natural born planner (me!). But, I know this is a time God is asking me to take my hands off of the paintbrush and give it to Him. As hard as it is for my flesh, I do it and I will likely have to keep doing it many more times. That’s another natural tendency of mine – taking back something I’ve surrendered to God because I see how I could make it work or control the situation.

Again, it all comes back to a transfer of trust.

It’s letting go of my need to know and taking hold of the hand of the One who is truly in control and will lead me through the unknown future. There isn’t a better place to be. There isn’t a better guide to have. There isn’t a better artist to paint my blank canvas.

Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most

Sitting in my office thinking about life and all that has happened over the last few months, it's easy to get discouraged.  It's easy to let my thoughts and emotions run wild.

That's the most important time for me to turn to God. To tune out those thoughts, I need God's truth to overcome them. Focusing on Him and His presence quickly drowns out the cares of this world. Not that they don't still exist, but the power of God's presence puts them in their place.

My cares are at God's disposal and as His daughter; I can rest in knowing He will always show up in my life. That doesn't mean every situation will be turned around the way I want, but it does mean my heart and mind can be turned around to see HIM as author and finisher of my life.

I can't find what I need in doing more for God. I can't find what I need in making more plans for my life. I can't find what I need in another person. I can't find what I need listening to nothing but Christian music. I can't find what I need unless I spend time with the One who is everything I need.

The power of God's presence is greater than any earthly power I can conjure up. In His presence, I find wisdom, strength, joy, peace, comfort, direction, provision – I find everything I can’t do for myself.

The only place to find true rest is in God's presence. The only way to live in that rest is a continual, ongoing relationship with God. When I feel Him calling me to sit with Him awhile, may my answer be yes. Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most.

Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

I have nothing to prove to Jesus

Feeling understood is really important to me. When I don't feel understood, I try to think of ways to make others truly understand. When that doesn't work, it's frustrating but I just have to walk away knowing some things cannot be explained or understood.

With all that has gone on with my hysterectomy, there have been times I've felt misunderstood. There have been times I've felt like I have to prove I'm okay but I'm in a process that just takes time. Because of that, I've felt exhausted just thinking about telling people how I’m doing.

Physically, I still have a little swelling and tenderness. I get sore after sitting for too long because some muscles have been on vacation. I’m still in the process of gaining my energy back but I am feeling more like myself each week! It's wonderful to be on this side of things yet I still don't have a date that I know I'll be fully 100%. Am I ready to run a 5k? No. It takes months to completely heal after this surgery. I’m taking it easy and recovering the right way. On the outside, I look fine but my body isn't there yet and that’s okay.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. Specifically, I'd like to publicly answer the most asked question, “Are you depressed?” No, thank the Lord! I've spent a lot of time reflecting and praying and folks, I'm just plain old grieving. I’m still hurting but it’s a natural part of the process.

Before and after surgery, we prayed that God would keep me from emotional crazytown and He has. I continue to talk to God about how I'm feeling and ask Him to show me emotions I need to deal with but to not let me get stuck in a hole. He's been faithful to answer that prayer. I frequently talk to Dave and tell him how I'm feeling. We both have our moments but we continue to move forward, allowing each other time and grace to grieve.

The other day a good friend of ours called Dave to tell him that he and his wife know my hysterectomy wasn't an event that took care of everything and that it’s all over now. He made sure we know that they realize it's something we're still dealing with and they are still praying for us. My first thought was, “Thank you for getting it!!”

Not everyone does get it and I have to accept that. I have to accept it could be people I love dearly that mean well but think it's all or nothing – that I'm either totally fine or totally a wreck. One huge comfort is that Jesus always gets it. Always.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove to Jesus. He knows. He knows my thoughts, my motives and my desires. He knows the depths of my heart. I don't have to explain to make Him understand. There are times I cannot utter the words and He's there to comfort me. There are times I tell Him "all about it" and I’m thankful it doesn't have to be a long conversation that leaves me feeling frustrated because I KNOW He understands. What other person in my life can I say that about? As much as others may try, they are still human. Jesus is the only one who can always understand me. And, that's why I want to keep pouring my heart out Him – so the one who knows me best can be at work in me.

During my time in prayer this week, I started with, "Lord, this hurts to know I'll never carry a baby…" but after many tears and confessions of raw emotions, I felt His loving arms around me and my prayer ended with, "Lord, I believe You will do something spectacular through this and You will use Dave and I to bring You glory." My heart swelled with faith and anticipation for what He is going to do. 

Although we're hurting, we're running to Jesus and we're seeing Him change our hearts in ways that could never have happened before. Through our brokenness, He is working in us. Yes, it's painful but it's beautiful and powerful because it's HIM not US.

How to expect great things from God after bad things happen

After experiencing loss or tragedy, it’s easy to lose sight of God’s goodness and His plan. I’ve found that the junk of life can somber my spirit and my expectancy for what God has for me. I’m very self-aware, almost too much at times, so I have been evaluating my heart and I know I need God’s help to refresh my hope for the future.

My infertility and hysterectomy aren’t the first times I’ve suffered great heartache. Before God brought Dave into my life, I was in a ten year marriage to a man I met in bible college. Within the first year of marriage, he spiraled into a life of addiction. It took many years full of pain, heartbreak and disappointment before I felt a release to walk away.

I look back on those years and see how I clung to God and how He faithfully covered me. Even when it felt like my life was so broken and I didn’t understand what was going on, God saw ahead to where I am now. Of all that happened during that time, my relationship with God ran deep, I knew He would bring me through it all.

Since then, I’ve met and married my soul mate – a term I never fully understood until Dave. My heart is whole and my life is so full. I cannot thank God enough for where I am today and all He’s given me. Because of what I went through before, these blessings remain fresh and that’s a tremendous gift.

In light of feeling so blessed, I have been fighting discouragement about the future and wondering if my life will be filled with a series of bad things. I know this is not a healthy or biblical mindset. Even if bad things were destined to happen, God doesn’t want me to focus on these thoughts because they conjure up fear, worry and doubt which not only contradict His word but deteriorate peace, joy and hope.

For me, the best way to dispel discouragement and lies is to rely on God’s word. I don’t mean just read some verses and say a little prayer. I mean, search out the verses that speak to me and meditate on them until they sink deep into my heart and soul – until my mind is transformed.

I’m retraining myself how to expect great things from God after bad things happen and God’s word is removing the untruths that try to entangle my heart and mind.

Remember who God is. I’m reading about how God loves and takes care of His children that serve Him. Here are some verses that remind me who God is:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember God’s plan. I’m relying on scriptures that reassure me that God works His plan regardless of the circumstance. Here are some key verses that I’m meditating on to keep my mind in check about God’s plan for me:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember what God’s already done. I’m recounting times in my life that God faithfully worked in and through a situation. As I do this, thankfulness overflows and faith begins to rise. Here are some verses that remind me what God has already done for me:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Yes, bad things have happened and there are days I find myself still grieving the loss of my womb, but I can also still believe God for the best in my life. That doesn’t mean I blindly believe for anything no matter what; it means I believe for the best and trust that God will work out His plan in the best way possible no matter what. He’s my loving Father and what loving father wouldn’t want the best for his child?