Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

I have nothing to prove to Jesus

Feeling understood is really important to me. When I don't feel understood, I try to think of ways to make others truly understand. When that doesn't work, it's frustrating but I just have to walk away knowing some things cannot be explained or understood.

With all that has gone on with my hysterectomy, there have been times I've felt misunderstood. There have been times I've felt like I have to prove I'm okay but I'm in a process that just takes time. Because of that, I've felt exhausted just thinking about telling people how I’m doing.

Physically, I still have a little swelling and tenderness. I get sore after sitting for too long because some muscles have been on vacation. I’m still in the process of gaining my energy back but I am feeling more like myself each week! It's wonderful to be on this side of things yet I still don't have a date that I know I'll be fully 100%. Am I ready to run a 5k? No. It takes months to completely heal after this surgery. I’m taking it easy and recovering the right way. On the outside, I look fine but my body isn't there yet and that’s okay.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. Specifically, I'd like to publicly answer the most asked question, “Are you depressed?” No, thank the Lord! I've spent a lot of time reflecting and praying and folks, I'm just plain old grieving. I’m still hurting but it’s a natural part of the process.

Before and after surgery, we prayed that God would keep me from emotional crazytown and He has. I continue to talk to God about how I'm feeling and ask Him to show me emotions I need to deal with but to not let me get stuck in a hole. He's been faithful to answer that prayer. I frequently talk to Dave and tell him how I'm feeling. We both have our moments but we continue to move forward, allowing each other time and grace to grieve.

The other day a good friend of ours called Dave to tell him that he and his wife know my hysterectomy wasn't an event that took care of everything and that it’s all over now. He made sure we know that they realize it's something we're still dealing with and they are still praying for us. My first thought was, “Thank you for getting it!!”

Not everyone does get it and I have to accept that. I have to accept it could be people I love dearly that mean well but think it's all or nothing – that I'm either totally fine or totally a wreck. One huge comfort is that Jesus always gets it. Always.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove to Jesus. He knows. He knows my thoughts, my motives and my desires. He knows the depths of my heart. I don't have to explain to make Him understand. There are times I cannot utter the words and He's there to comfort me. There are times I tell Him "all about it" and I’m thankful it doesn't have to be a long conversation that leaves me feeling frustrated because I KNOW He understands. What other person in my life can I say that about? As much as others may try, they are still human. Jesus is the only one who can always understand me. And, that's why I want to keep pouring my heart out Him – so the one who knows me best can be at work in me.

During my time in prayer this week, I started with, "Lord, this hurts to know I'll never carry a baby…" but after many tears and confessions of raw emotions, I felt His loving arms around me and my prayer ended with, "Lord, I believe You will do something spectacular through this and You will use Dave and I to bring You glory." My heart swelled with faith and anticipation for what He is going to do. 

Although we're hurting, we're running to Jesus and we're seeing Him change our hearts in ways that could never have happened before. Through our brokenness, He is working in us. Yes, it's painful but it's beautiful and powerful because it's HIM not US.

How to expect great things from God after bad things happen

After experiencing loss or tragedy, it’s easy to lose sight of God’s goodness and His plan. I’ve found that the junk of life can somber my spirit and my expectancy for what God has for me. I’m very self-aware, almost too much at times, so I have been evaluating my heart and I know I need God’s help to refresh my hope for the future.

My infertility and hysterectomy aren’t the first times I’ve suffered great heartache. Before God brought Dave into my life, I was in a ten year marriage to a man I met in bible college. Within the first year of marriage, he spiraled into a life of addiction. It took many years full of pain, heartbreak and disappointment before I felt a release to walk away.

I look back on those years and see how I clung to God and how He faithfully covered me. Even when it felt like my life was so broken and I didn’t understand what was going on, God saw ahead to where I am now. Of all that happened during that time, my relationship with God ran deep, I knew He would bring me through it all.

Since then, I’ve met and married my soul mate – a term I never fully understood until Dave. My heart is whole and my life is so full. I cannot thank God enough for where I am today and all He’s given me. Because of what I went through before, these blessings remain fresh and that’s a tremendous gift.

In light of feeling so blessed, I have been fighting discouragement about the future and wondering if my life will be filled with a series of bad things. I know this is not a healthy or biblical mindset. Even if bad things were destined to happen, God doesn’t want me to focus on these thoughts because they conjure up fear, worry and doubt which not only contradict His word but deteriorate peace, joy and hope.

For me, the best way to dispel discouragement and lies is to rely on God’s word. I don’t mean just read some verses and say a little prayer. I mean, search out the verses that speak to me and meditate on them until they sink deep into my heart and soul – until my mind is transformed.

I’m retraining myself how to expect great things from God after bad things happen and God’s word is removing the untruths that try to entangle my heart and mind.

Remember who God is. I’m reading about how God loves and takes care of His children that serve Him. Here are some verses that remind me who God is:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember God’s plan. I’m relying on scriptures that reassure me that God works His plan regardless of the circumstance. Here are some key verses that I’m meditating on to keep my mind in check about God’s plan for me:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember what God’s already done. I’m recounting times in my life that God faithfully worked in and through a situation. As I do this, thankfulness overflows and faith begins to rise. Here are some verses that remind me what God has already done for me:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Yes, bad things have happened and there are days I find myself still grieving the loss of my womb, but I can also still believe God for the best in my life. That doesn’t mean I blindly believe for anything no matter what; it means I believe for the best and trust that God will work out His plan in the best way possible no matter what. He’s my loving Father and what loving father wouldn’t want the best for his child? 

The Chronicles of HysterNarnia: The Surgery, the Recovery and the Future

The Surgery

We arrived at the hospital @ 6:15am, checked in and I was able to change into my glamorous surgery wardrobe. If you’ve ever had surgery, you know how exciting it is to wear a backless gown with people coming in and out of the room. J So, I just hung out in my breezy gown, no-slip socks and awesome blue “hat” while I was asked about twenty times if I knew my name and birthdate.

Our pastor came to see us about 7am and prayed with us. I am a very visual person so metaphors are powerful to me. When pastor prayed that angels would surround me with their wings and protect me, it was a beautiful moment picturing their wings and feeling God’s precious peace.

Soon after I was wheeled off to surgery waiting where I was given the good stuff and pretty much didn’t care about anything else. I had been looking forward to the good stuff all morning. J I remember saying goodbye to Dave and then the next thing I know I was waking up from surgery.

Waking up is the first step in recovery but it’s an important one. Many people who have surgery fear there will be a complication with the anesthesia and will not wake up. God faithfully watched over me and I made it through.

Upon waking up, I was really nauseous which tends to happen to me after anesthesia. They gave me everything they could but I still had severe nausea. On top of that, I was having quite a bit of pain and pressure where I had internal stitches. I started to get concerned that this surgery would be harder than my other ones. About thirty minutes later the nurses took out some packing and that was a TRIP. It was the packing/gauze that never ended….like a clown trick she kept pulling and it kept coming. But, once they pulled that out, the severe pain and pressure went away along with the nausea. The pain level was more like what I was used to and that was a relief to know I could handle it.

I can’t tell you how comforting it was to have our friend (who works at the hospital) there the next time I woke up in my room. He just held my hand and I felt so blessed to have such a great friend.

Next was Dave. Seeing him was the ultimate comfort. He came to my side and reassured me. He told me surgery had lasted four hours because the Endometriosis was so bad again – it had grown all over my colon. He told me my doctor had called in other surgeons to help her with the colon and then she finished the hysterectomy. I was surprised but not surprised. I had been in a lot of pain but didn’t really know it would be that bad so soon. It was yet again another confirmation of the Lord’s leading and our decision to have the surgery.

Dave traded with my mom so she could come and see me. I know it was hard on her to see me like that but having her with me made all the difference. Before surgery we sat on my couch and I cried on her shoulder. After surgery she was there to give me drinks and feed me crackers. She has a way of helping that never makes me feel like a burden. She’s one of the best earthly examples of God’s love. Not to mention the fact that she stayed with me in the hospital that night – she had to sleep on a cot in the middle of the room with another patient just a few feet away and nurses running around all night. J I guess any mom might do that but I still believe my mom is exceptional.

The Recovery

After proving I was a good patient (being able to empty my bladder and pass *ahem* wind), I was released from the hospital. I was really glad to be going home but the ride home was uncomfortable. I had a pillow clenched to my stomach the entire time because every little bump in the road is felt when you’re sore and swollen. Over the years, Dave has learned to become an expert bump averter when driving me after surgery.

I went straight from the car to the couch where we had prepared a lovely spot to park myself several hours during the day. Let’s just say there’s a permanent indention there as I type. J The one good thing about having several other surgeries is that we have become somewhat pros at preparing and preventing when it comes to postop problems or issues.

Between Dave and my mom, they made every meal, helped me up and down, helped me get dressed/undressed and did all of the housework. My mom even went the extra mile and helped me with some “stuff” in the bathroom. Yeah, she might actually be an angelic being.

The first two weeks were a challenge but what amazing friends and family we have! We received flowers from our church, Dave’s co-workers and my dad & stepmom. This is the first time to receive flowers after a surgery and I really didn’t think it would be a big deal but they were so uplifting to our spirits. To add to the beauty, my mom gave me bright and cheery balloons but they have since retired so I wasn't able to get a good photo of them.

  

 

My co-workers gave us a sweet card containing gift cards to our favorite restaurants. This was no small thing and it truly touched our hearts. The notes in my card made me smile, brought me to tears and simply made my day. Dave and I just sat there overwhelmed with their love.

One of our dear friends set up a Meal Train and we have meals covered until February 25 which is a HUGE blessing since Dave is taking care of everything and back to work now. The same friend and her husband came over with their cutie pie kids to bring us a meal and they also gave us two amazing care baskets full of our favorite treats, soda and coffee. It was so incredibly thoughtful of them and humbling for us to be loved in such a lavish manner.

 

 

To sum it all up, we have been absolutely blown away by the love and generosity of our community around us. The support we have felt has been healing balm to our hearts and we are so grateful.

The Future

In the words of the wise (Arnold Schwarzenegger accent), “Da futcha is now!” LOL. Sorry, that’s really the first thing I think of when I hear or say the word future. J

I had my 2 week checkup last week and it was very positive. I’m healing well and on my way to full recovery. The best news of all is that my doctor said I would have had menopause symptoms by now if I was going to. Other than feeling a little warm at night, which I attribute to my three layers of clothing, I haven’t had one single negative symptom. I feel great and that means no hormone replacement therapy! Praise the Lord!!

I have 3 weeks left of recovery and am still very limited on what I can do. I forgot how lame daytime TV is – who really watches all of the court shows?? We don’t have cable so now that I’m able to maneuver the laptop, I’ll be writing and scouring the web for movies and documentaries that Dave would never want to watch. J

Maybe next week I’ll try to drive. My doctor said that I should wait until I know I can stomp on the brake and not be in pain…yeah, next week I might try that. I still can’t lift or carry anything over 5-10 lbs so there goes hoisting Dave on my shoulders while shouting “He’s #1!” I can fold laundry so I see a lot of that in my days ahead. I’m trying to focus on what I can do AND reminding myself this is a short season overall.

As for what our plans are for children. Honestly, we are not sure what the next step will be. I do ask you would be praying for us in this area. We are looking to the Lord and relying on Him to direct our steps. Our desire is for the Lord to use us and to bring purpose from our pain. He is the best Redeemer.

Keeping my conversations with God open

The other day I was talking with my mom about surgery. She was telling me that she's looking forward to the relief I'll have being pain-free. She was being as positive as she could.

When I got off the phone I had a sense that she was still processing a lot of sadness but maybe felt she had to be “pumped up” for me. I knew I needed to call her back and tell her it's okay to be sad and that she can talk about it with me.

I called her a couple of nights later. I told her exactly what I felt I should and she began to cry. She said she was sad. She said she didn’t want her baby girl to have to go through this. She said she couldn't believe the Endo had already grown back and that she truly believed I would be pregnant by now. She said she's still praying for God to heal me.

I could relate to 100% of what she said because I am still mourning and processing myself. I let her know that I've been keeping my conversations with God open because I don't want to get stuck. He can handle my questions, He can handle my emotions, He can handle me not understanding – He can handle it all.

So many times we go through dark times thinking just have faith. While that is true, there also has to be a deeper level of communion with God. If I don’t keep my conversations with God real, I could end up in a permanent state of disillusionment. I don’t want that for myself and I don’t want that for my mom.

For me, keeping it real means inviting God into every part of my life and acknowledging His sovereignty in the tough places. It’s about giving Him my best and my worst days, letting Him shape my perspective, trusting Him when I can’t see, and talking to Him about what’s going on in my heart.

Two Stones Dance Upon the Water

A poem I wrote for Dave in honor of our 4^th wedding anniversary.

 

He will bring beauty from my brokenness

The date has been set; I will have my reproductive organs removed on January 30.

There is a sadness in saying goodbye to the possibility of biological children. There is a relief in closing this chapter. There is a peace in knowing God is in control of what I cannot fix. There is a confidence that He will be with me. There is an excitement for what He will accomplish in our lives through this.



I know this sadness will ebb and flow as I process loss over this next month and again after surgery. Even though we feel as though we have been grieving, there will be a different level after the finality of it all. I ask for your prayers as we journey down this road of unknown emotions.

The relief is a huge comfort in closing this chapter of my life. It has been a physically painful and emotionally exhausting road for so many years. It helps to think of a life without that pain and a new kind of hope for the future. I ask that you pray specifically for a smooth surgery with no complications, that my doctor will find and remove every bit of Endometriosis, a quick and easy recovery, that my body would respond well to the surgical menopause that will begin after surgery, that my body will balance out with no other treatment needed, and that no Endometriosis would grow back.

The peace I feel is from God because there’s no explaining how I can have it going into this. I can feel Him cradling my heart reassuring me that He has this in His capable hands. I still don’t have “answers” but I do have Him and that’s all I need. I ask that you pray His peace would continue to sustain our hearts and minds.

My confidence is in Him, and I know He will go before me, stand with me, watch over me, BE with me, walk with me, and carry me through this whole thing. It’s strange to say, but I’ve never felt closer to Jesus than I do right now. It’s precious – His presence and His understanding of what it’s like to go through the undesirable. He knows. I ask that you pray we would find our security and strength in Him as we look to Him for what we need.

The excitement I feel is knowing, without a doubt, He has a plan in all of this and will use it for HIS glory and HIS purpose. How else could I be excited at this time? If He is in control and I have His peace, I can hold on to Him knowing He will bring beauty from my brokenness. Maybe I can’t see the entire work, but I can trust it’s going to be better than my mind can conceive. I ask that you pray we would keep our eyes on Him and our hearts surrendered to Him.

In the meantime, we’ll still pray for a miracle and rest in knowing HE HAS THIS – whether my healing miraculously comes tomorrow, comes through surgery, or awaits me in Heaven, I will trust Him regardless.