I never meant for my colors to bleed
I never meant for me to leave
But here I stand
Oh here I stand
Broken for the world to see
Lost inside and still searching
Here I stand
Oh here I stand
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never thought this would be me somehow
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never through this would be me somehow
But here I stand
Oh here I stand
Grasping for my purpose
I need more than this surface
But here I stand
Here I stand
Sifting through my perfect mess
Nothing more that I want less
Here I stand
Oh here I stand
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never thought this would be me somehow
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never through this would be me somehow
But here I stand Oh here I stand
I'm not walkin' away
No, I'm not walkin' away
I'm not walkin' away
No, I'm not walkin' away
I never meant for my colors to bleed
I never meant for me to leave
But here I stand
Oh here I stand
Monday, January 2, 2012
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Waking Dreams
It's been so long
this dream has haunted.
I thought I knew
this desire it flaunted.
Head laden.
Shoulders tight.
Can't find rest.
Can't see light.
Dreams are waking
to life's importance.
Dreams are changing
to my reflections.
Head unchained.
Shoulders light.
I find rest.
I see light.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
I Dropped My Dream
Today I realized I dropped my dream. Now, I have more than one dream so I guess that's why I didn't notice the empty spot in my hand. That's kind of sad though.
I've carried the dream of songwriting since I was a teenager. I always thought one day one of my songs would "make it" and be heard by the world. That has not happened. That has not even remotely happened.
I stopped writing songs the way I used to. I'd spend hours writing and singing (I'm not a singer) while song after song would come to me. It brought me great fulfillment.
It still brings me fulfillment but I haven't been doing it. Why not? I think it's because I gave up the hope that it will become anything. That's not a good reason. If songwriting brings me fulfillment, I still need to be writing. How do I pick my dream back up with no certainty beyond my own fulfillment? I guess the same way I did when I was 15. Just write.
I've carried the dream of songwriting since I was a teenager. I always thought one day one of my songs would "make it" and be heard by the world. That has not happened. That has not even remotely happened.
I stopped writing songs the way I used to. I'd spend hours writing and singing (I'm not a singer) while song after song would come to me. It brought me great fulfillment.
It still brings me fulfillment but I haven't been doing it. Why not? I think it's because I gave up the hope that it will become anything. That's not a good reason. If songwriting brings me fulfillment, I still need to be writing. How do I pick my dream back up with no certainty beyond my own fulfillment? I guess the same way I did when I was 15. Just write.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
.../\.../\.../\...Emotions.../\.../\.../\...
I've heard some women say they wished they didn't have emotions. While I do have my moments, I believe our emotions are what allow us to truly enjoy the great joys of our lives. The other side of the coin is that we feel the depth of despair.
Why do we women have so many drastic dips and spikes in our emotions? Well, we know hormones play a huge role, but what can we do about it? I've found that when I am eating healthier, exercising and spending time with God - I deal with my emotions much better. So, why do I get off track if I know these help me? Discipline. That's the key to balance and it's not always easy.
Discipline requires the death of one desire so another, better desire can grow stronger. I want to discipline myself to choose fruit over a baked good. That's going to take me choosing an apple even when I just want to shove a cookie in my mouth. I want to discipline myself to choose to jog over walking. That's going to take me choosing to run even when I'm tired. I want to discipline myself to read and pray everyday. That's going to take me choosing to manage my time better (and turn the TV off). I know fruit, running and my devotions are better for me than the alternatives. WHY is it so hard to choose them though? The wonderful world of fighting for discipline. Paul said that he did the things he didn't want to and didn't do the things he wanted to. We are not alone in this struggle.
Maybe if we start one piece of fruit at a time. One run at a time. One devotional at a time. Maybe then we can develop the discipline. Over time, with each victory, gaining more momentum. Maybe asking God for help. Asking Him to teach us how to live out the discipline we need.
God, I need Your help. I'm completely lost on my own.
Why do we women have so many drastic dips and spikes in our emotions? Well, we know hormones play a huge role, but what can we do about it? I've found that when I am eating healthier, exercising and spending time with God - I deal with my emotions much better. So, why do I get off track if I know these help me? Discipline. That's the key to balance and it's not always easy.
Discipline requires the death of one desire so another, better desire can grow stronger. I want to discipline myself to choose fruit over a baked good. That's going to take me choosing an apple even when I just want to shove a cookie in my mouth. I want to discipline myself to choose to jog over walking. That's going to take me choosing to run even when I'm tired. I want to discipline myself to read and pray everyday. That's going to take me choosing to manage my time better (and turn the TV off). I know fruit, running and my devotions are better for me than the alternatives. WHY is it so hard to choose them though? The wonderful world of fighting for discipline. Paul said that he did the things he didn't want to and didn't do the things he wanted to. We are not alone in this struggle.
Maybe if we start one piece of fruit at a time. One run at a time. One devotional at a time. Maybe then we can develop the discipline. Over time, with each victory, gaining more momentum. Maybe asking God for help. Asking Him to teach us how to live out the discipline we need.
God, I need Your help. I'm completely lost on my own.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Candy Bowl
If you work in an office or anything close to it, you know the candy bowl is a big deal. Some candy bowls are just for looks, some candy bowls are filled with leftover Halloween goodies, but then...some candy bowls are the reason candy bowls exist.
Around my office, there is a lady that is well-known for her candy bowl. She puts out the good stuff and everyone finds a reason to meander by her desk. I have found a reason to walk by for the sole purpose of grabbing a Reese's peanut butter cup. I won't deny it. The thing is, this lady doesn't seem to care that people are taking her good stuff. It makes her happy. Her true motive for putting out such great candy is to give it to others.
Around my office, there's another lady that is well-known for her candy bowl. She puts out some yummy specialty chocolates, but once you've taken a candy...you are afraid to go back. She gives you a look that says, "Taking a piece of my valuable chocolate collection, are you? Well, didn't you take once last week?" You know what I mean - the kind of look that makes you want to run and hide. I tried to tell myself that I could still take a chocolate when I went by her desk, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She had "spoken" clearly and I think everyone knew it.
Around my office, there's me. I am not well-known for my candy bowl because I don't have one. Chalk it up to lack of motivation, time or just plain forgetfulness - I have yet to purchase or find a candy bowl to fill up with treats. I think about it from time to time but I haven't done squat. I have all of this potential and I REALLY want people to come by with the intent of taking from my candy bowl...but that won't happen until I get a stinking candy bowl. :-)
In life, which one are we? As believers, we are supposed to give off the beautiful aroma of Jesus Christ. Are we generous, loving and full of care for others. When someone really needs us, do we still have that same charm and spirit? Do we merely look like Christians offering the "good stuff" yet we don't extend ourselves beyond our comfort zone? Or, do we not reveal our Christianity to others because we are too tired, lack motivation or whatever or the reason?
I want to have the biggest candy bowl with the most amazing candy in it. I want my candy to be accessible to all and I want to have a gracious smile when someone takes from it. I also want my life to full of the "good stuff" ready to give to others so they can in turn do the same.
Now, I just need to find a candy bowl...
Around my office, there is a lady that is well-known for her candy bowl. She puts out the good stuff and everyone finds a reason to meander by her desk. I have found a reason to walk by for the sole purpose of grabbing a Reese's peanut butter cup. I won't deny it. The thing is, this lady doesn't seem to care that people are taking her good stuff. It makes her happy. Her true motive for putting out such great candy is to give it to others.
Around my office, there's another lady that is well-known for her candy bowl. She puts out some yummy specialty chocolates, but once you've taken a candy...you are afraid to go back. She gives you a look that says, "Taking a piece of my valuable chocolate collection, are you? Well, didn't you take once last week?" You know what I mean - the kind of look that makes you want to run and hide. I tried to tell myself that I could still take a chocolate when I went by her desk, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She had "spoken" clearly and I think everyone knew it.
Around my office, there's me. I am not well-known for my candy bowl because I don't have one. Chalk it up to lack of motivation, time or just plain forgetfulness - I have yet to purchase or find a candy bowl to fill up with treats. I think about it from time to time but I haven't done squat. I have all of this potential and I REALLY want people to come by with the intent of taking from my candy bowl...but that won't happen until I get a stinking candy bowl. :-)
In life, which one are we? As believers, we are supposed to give off the beautiful aroma of Jesus Christ. Are we generous, loving and full of care for others. When someone really needs us, do we still have that same charm and spirit? Do we merely look like Christians offering the "good stuff" yet we don't extend ourselves beyond our comfort zone? Or, do we not reveal our Christianity to others because we are too tired, lack motivation or whatever or the reason?
I want to have the biggest candy bowl with the most amazing candy in it. I want my candy to be accessible to all and I want to have a gracious smile when someone takes from it. I also want my life to full of the "good stuff" ready to give to others so they can in turn do the same.
Now, I just need to find a candy bowl...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Bathroom Stall Walls
Why do we (girls) write our hearts out on the bathroom stall walls?
I walked into a stall not too long ago and looked around at unashamed proclamations of love, among other phrases and a variety of nonsense. Why is that we feel so free to write our hearts so publicly? Why is that we can to tell our deepest thoughts and feelings to anyone who happens to read these walls?
Is it because we want to be heard? Is it because, on some level, we hope it will be more true when we write it. And, if it's written then it will be read. Are we so loose with our hearts and dreams that we share ourselves on dirty walls surrounding a toilet. If so, what does that mean?
Are we searching for validation? From whom? Only girls go into these stalls. Who are we speaking to? Other girls or ourselves? Are we such crazy-hearted girls that we must stake our claims in bathrooms - for our hearts to be read and reread by those who enter. What if what is written is never read? Is that where our thoughts and feelings die? What happens after the stall walls are full? Do we search to carve out our own space?
Through the madness of it all, there is something appealing about a crazy-hearted girl writing her love on the bathroom stall wall. It's not where I've chosen to tell the world my heart but it's something. What if we go through life and never express what we feel. Confession: I've never written on a bathroom stall wall but I've always wanted to. To be honest, I always thought those girls who did were brave (and a little foolish). More than anything, I was always afraid of what others might think. That's the point though. It's not about everyone else. In that moment of passion and craziness, it's about what's in the heart. What is dying to come out...out on the bathroom stall wall.
At some point, we leave that world behind. I wonder why? (Besides the fact that defacing public property is against the law.) Is that because we become ashamed of our hearts - insecure and unsure of ourselves? I believe we begin to censor ourselves as we mature and I don't think that's a bad thing. But, in our maturation, we can begin to filter parts of ourselves that were never meant to be filtered.
So, how do we liberate those places we've unnecessarily covered? We could start in the bathroom...
I walked into a stall not too long ago and looked around at unashamed proclamations of love, among other phrases and a variety of nonsense. Why is that we feel so free to write our hearts so publicly? Why is that we can to tell our deepest thoughts and feelings to anyone who happens to read these walls?
Is it because we want to be heard? Is it because, on some level, we hope it will be more true when we write it. And, if it's written then it will be read. Are we so loose with our hearts and dreams that we share ourselves on dirty walls surrounding a toilet. If so, what does that mean?
Are we searching for validation? From whom? Only girls go into these stalls. Who are we speaking to? Other girls or ourselves? Are we such crazy-hearted girls that we must stake our claims in bathrooms - for our hearts to be read and reread by those who enter. What if what is written is never read? Is that where our thoughts and feelings die? What happens after the stall walls are full? Do we search to carve out our own space?
Through the madness of it all, there is something appealing about a crazy-hearted girl writing her love on the bathroom stall wall. It's not where I've chosen to tell the world my heart but it's something. What if we go through life and never express what we feel. Confession: I've never written on a bathroom stall wall but I've always wanted to. To be honest, I always thought those girls who did were brave (and a little foolish). More than anything, I was always afraid of what others might think. That's the point though. It's not about everyone else. In that moment of passion and craziness, it's about what's in the heart. What is dying to come out...out on the bathroom stall wall.
At some point, we leave that world behind. I wonder why? (Besides the fact that defacing public property is against the law.) Is that because we become ashamed of our hearts - insecure and unsure of ourselves? I believe we begin to censor ourselves as we mature and I don't think that's a bad thing. But, in our maturation, we can begin to filter parts of ourselves that were never meant to be filtered.
So, how do we liberate those places we've unnecessarily covered? We could start in the bathroom...
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friendships
Small tends to be the ones you make somewhat insightful conversation with. These are the friends you are delighted to see, share a little of what's going on in your life. Usually there is an area of commonality or interest that you both can relate to. Fortunately, these friends do not demand too much emotional energy so you happily welcome them and easily say goodbye to them.
Medium is where the emotional energy begins to come into play. These require a little more depth in conversation which is normally encouraging. You talk about several levels of life and you can end up laughing or crying about the experiences that are so similar. Unlike the size small, these friends aren't quite as easy to say goodbye to so your time together can become lengthy by choice. However, you can go a few weeks at a time without meeting up while you still feel a certain closeness.
Large is when we start getting into the laughing until you cry, crying until you're snotting and a level of transparency that alleviates the fear of vulnerability we all feel. These are the friends you call when something great happens, something horrible happens or you just need to talk. These are the friends that understand when you can't always be there but also hold you accountable when you truly need to be there. These are your lifelong friends that you can count on all along as life happens. They challenge you, they encourage you, they help you see the good in yourself while highlighting where you can be better. You may only have a handful of these friends but their worth is priceless. You never have to say goodbye to these friends and it's a good feeling to know they'll be with you in life's journey.
There are also those who don't truly have a size because they're seasonal friends. These friendships can bring great joy but also great pain when the season comes to an end. Learn from these friendships, remember what these friendships produced in your life but do let go of of these friendships when it's time.
Final thoughts: Cherish your friends, don't cling to them. Love your friends, don't judge them. Have faith in your friends, don't limit them. Hope with your friends, don't doubt for them. Just be the size you're supposed to be, see how each friendship fits and enjoy it!
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