Letters from my mom

The world of written letters lives on through those that continue to put their pen to paper and create something personal that can be treasured. My mom is one of those people. I have several letters from her that I've saved over the years. I go back to these letters and see the remarkable love and encouragement she's always given to me. I hold those letters and feel a comfort that cannot be described.

She came to stay with us after my surgery in July. It was not a normal visit because I was still recovering and didn't have my typical energy. Also, I cannot lie – I was/still am battling disappointment.

 

As soon as she got to my house, we sat together and cried. Well, I did most of the crying and she held me and prayed for me. After that cry fest, we spent the rest of our time together talking, drinking coffee and watching movies. 

 

Towards the end of the week, she asked me to read her some of my blog posts. No doubt about it – she is my biggest fan.  As soon as I finished one she asked me to read another. As a writer, there's fulfillment in finding an eager listening ear. As a daughter, there's fulfillment in having my mom's undivided attention. 

 

My mom has always taken a genuine interest in anything I do or attempt to do. She's special like that. :-) She has always encouraged me and sees more potential than I see in myself. She is my mom so, naturally, I tend to think that she would love anything I write but that's not completely true or bad. 

 

While at our house, she wrote two defining letters to me. With the first sentence, I was brought to tears. That is what happens when someone who knows you so well writes words of love and encouragement. Healing covered my heart and I began to dream again. I began to yearn for God to use me and believed that he would.

When I read those letters from my mom, something inside me said that she was speaking the truth and it motivated me to keep walking. God's words are meant to do the same thing but with greater purpose. Letters from God sit on my nightstand filled with tremendous love and encouragement. He wrote those to me knowing I'd need them to help me through this life and all it brings.

Today I choose to take my letters from God and hold them close to my heart. Whatever that means, however it turns out - I will trust him and believe his words to be true.

Why morning is one of my heroes

Around 3am, I woke up from a terrible dream. Even though I had realized it was just a dream, fear was still in my heart. I looked around and told myself everything was okay. Yet, in the darkness, vivid images from my dream were floating around in my head while mysterious noises and shadows danced around the room. It took some time and prayer, but I was finally able to fall back asleep.

I woke up a few times and checked the clock. I knew the closer it got to 5am, the sun would begin to rise and bring me total peace of mind. When morning finally came, the fear disappeared and everything looked completely different in the light. My fear seemed so silly in the daylight…but it was so real in the darkness.
 

I started to think about how light breaks the power of darkness and how darkness can hide and distort the truth. The mysterious noises were now exposed as regular old house noises that wouldn’t give me a second thought during the day. The shadows of the moving tree branches were fading along with the ones my mind made up. I could see so clearly with the sun shining through my windows – banishing fear and the imaginations that accompanied it.

Many bible verses about light and morning came to mind:

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. His mercies are new every morning. Psalm 30:5b

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Romans 4:12

Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” Luke 1:78-9

When walking through a dark time, it’s easy to fear and doubt. It’s hard to see what’s really going on and it’s even harder not to dwell on the unknown. In John 14:6, Jesus gives the key to coping with and overcoming our shadow seasons, "I am the way, the truth and the life." He is the way = look to him. He is the truth = rely upon his word. He is the life = allow him to revive my spirit.

Although I know this, I don't always do a good job of practicing it. There are times in life that I "pull the covers over my head or lie paralyzed by fear until morning." However, there are those wonderful times I "rest with the peace of knowing that morning is coming soon." I believe this is where I am really supposed to live – at rest with peace because that equals trust.

Just like morning is my hero to rescue me from the darkness surrounding a bad dream, Jesus is my hero for the dark times I go through. For the darkest of times, this may mean holding on for dear life knowing Jesus is coming to break through like the morning sun to bring me truth and freedom.  

I needed to remember I need him

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. I had been trying to haul this load around, but I didn't realize it until I was on a phone call at work. (Side note: If this has ever happened to you, you know work is a really “great” place to have a breakdown.)

It hit me all at once: surgery, cost of surgery, the future, our dreams, will I ever be healed, children – everything all jumbled around with emotions attached to each thought. As I became aware of my tears trying to break through, I called Dave and explained what I was feeling. He said two keys things:

"God healed you of a lot of deep hurt and pain that we didn’t have to work through in our marriage so this physical need is just what we have to bear."

 

"This is not that big in the scheme of how big our God is."

As the tears flowed, release and relief came. I needed that reminder to renew my hope for tomorrow. I needed to think about how much God has already done and his limitless ability to take care of me. More than anything, I needed to remember I need him.

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. This time, I realized my great need for him and I reached out. He took my hand and placed my burden upon his shoulders. What rest that brought my heart and mind.

Later that day, I figured out that I had my "awesome" breakdown at work because I hadn't been allowing myself time to process my emotions and I wasn't allowing God to help me deal with everything. How many times must I learn this lesson of not trying to be so strong? I don’t know. I can say that God does not walk away when I'm trying to do life in my own strength – he sticks around like no other and is always faithful to answer when I do finally ask for help.

 

Lord, let me not forget,

not take another step
without your strength
without your rest.

God spoke to me during a Super Bowl party

The game was almost over and it had been a fun, relaxing evening. However, in the back of my mind, I was exhausted from trying to figure EVERYthing out ALL of the time.

I have been fighting Stage 4 Endometriosis (Endo) for several years. It is a nasty disease that can warp the reproductive system, render a woman immobile due to the pain and even lead to infertility. Between my diagnosis in 2009 and today, I have had three surgeries to "clean me up." In that time, I have also been trying to fight this disease with every piece of knowledge I could find. I have spent hours researching and reading about Endo and any possible way to control it or, better yet, cure it.

The main theme I found was a very restricted diet: no caffeine, red meat, sugar, eggs, dairy or wheat. I had already eliminated dairy as I am lactose intolerant so I cut out caffeine. Sadly, I ended up having surgery within a year and a half. Next, I greatly reduced red meat, eggs and sugar but had another surgery just a year and two months later. Since then, I've tried to cut out wheat but here I sit having that familiar pain and discomfort.

Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I doing everything that I learned to do? Mostly. Have I made mistakes in my restricted diet? Some. Is it really in my control to change the rate at which it grows back? No.

I had just recently been thinking about my diet pre-diagnosis. I had little dairy and just simply listened to my body. I didn't have all of these insane restrictions and I also wasn't feeling worse or better than I do today. I have been asking God to help me not to overthink this matter but I hadn't been successful because I felt like I needed a solid answer.

Enters Dianne, my wonderful mother-in-law. As the last few minutes of the game played out, we sat in our comfy oversized chair and right away our conversation somehow (God-directed) quickly turned to my mental struggle. Every word that came out of her mouth was an answer to prayer. It was exactly what I was questioning.

As we sat there talking, I could feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders. Simple truth was breaking through all the confusion that had been filling up my mind. It all clicked: This was not in my power to control and God wants me to let Him take care of it.

As soon as everyone left, I took out my journal and wrote everything down. It's key for me to do this so I can go back to it and remind myself that God brought me peace through these answers. While I cannot share everything we talked about because some is very personal, I can share a few things:

*Just be me – pre-diagnosis Christy.

*Renew my mind with life-giving scriptures like 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."
*Allow God to handle this and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom.

I've applied these simple truths to other areas in my life yet my hyper sense of responsibility led me to think I should do/try all I can in this one area, but that's just not true. This is not my responsibility – it is God’s. All I can do is consistently take care of myself and trust God. That’s it.

I’ll never forget Super Bowl 2013 – God cares so much about me that He spoke to me during the final minutes of the biggest football game of the year. He’s a pretty amazing Father to do that.

He was sure of me

The more I get to know Dave, the more I see what a beautiful and meaningful act it was for him to tell me he loved me.

We’ve been married for three years and I’ve learned a lot about his decision making process. If we're making a major purchase, he researches it for months. Big decisions are made after much prayer, thought and analysis. He's a careful person – careful to choose the right steps and careful to move at the right time. I now know Dave saying "I love you" held so much more meaning than three words could possibly convey.

Four years ago on Christmas day, he took me to a special place on his parent's land and he told me he loved me. Before he was certain I would reciprocate, he made the decision to not only love me, but to express his love. He encouraged me to receive it without feeling that I had to respond. He allowed me to take his love in without any conditions. He was sure of me and he wanted me to know it.

That moment was powerful for me. And, over time, that moment has become more than a sweet memory. It has become a strong foundation that I lean upon when life gets rough. It has become a simple but elevating equation to recalibrate my perspective:

knowing how Dave's brain operates + his decision to love me = an overwhelming gratefulness for his love

From this gratefulness, I find a deeper understanding of God's love. Just as Dave offered his love to me before I uttered a word of my love for him, God was sure of me before I ever even knew of Him.

Thankfully and unbelievably, God's sureness of me doesn’t change. He is sure of me now with all of my flaws and mistakes. He is sure of me tomorrow and all that it may bring.

1 John 4:10, 19

¹⁰ This is real love...that He loved us and sent His son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
¹⁹We love each other because He loved us first.

These are the things I would say to you

I have been thinking of my family - my dad, mom(s), brothers and my sister a lot today. Thinking of what one thing I would say to them if I had them here with me...

If I knew you'd believe me
allow my words to take root.
If I knew you'd hear me
really see the truth.

Mom: You make my world a better place with your unconditional love and support.
Dad: You inspire me to be more positive and thankful for what I have.
Cathie: Your creativity reminds me of life's endless possibilities.
Jamy: You have so much to offer, I miss you and I want us to be closer.
Scott: You've become more than my brother - you're my friend, protector and comic relief.
Lisa: You're beautiful, I know I can always count on you and I love you exactly as you are.
Jarod: Your laugh is contagious and I know you will find the right path.

I love you all and I wouldn't choose any other person to take the place you hold in my life. These are the things I would say to you.

I'll never outgrow my mom's love

On Friday, my mom said she had mailed me a birthday package. From that moment on, I was filled with expectancy and excitement. I checked Saturday - no. I checked Monday - no. I checked last night - YES!
 

Before I tell you about the contents of my package, let me just fill you in on my mom. She is the queen of making others feel special and loved. She's the ultimate gift-giver because she puts a lot of thought into what you would really like. And, so often she'll get you something you've wanted but you've never told her. It's freaky but awesome. If my mom has ever given you something, you know what I mean.
 

Growing up, I loved the anticipation of certain holidays. "What will Mom give us this year?" Through Easter baskets filled with fun goodies, Christmas stockings plump with surprises and homemade birthday cards, my mom gave us the gift of thoughtfulness and love.

 

Okay, back to present day... I got home last night to find THE package on my back deck.
 

I started squealing since I knew it was the birthday package from my mom. Dave was just looking at me as I entered the house taking off my shoes and coat, giving him a kiss and hug with a huge smile and a high-pitched "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" coming out of my mouth. I barely got out "My package is here!" and then back to "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He said, "Oh." He knows how I am. He knows how my mom is. He just knows.
 

I walked to the back door, picked up the box and brought it inside to the table. (Continuation of "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!") Dave pointed out that I needed to open it at a specific end. So, I did. What happened next? MUSIC!
 

My mom had rigged a musical birthday card to play as soon as I opened it. Now, who does that? MY MOM does. :-) As birthday tunes filled the air, I pulled out the birthday bag which had a high-heel shoe on it - TOTALLY me. What was in the bag, you ask?...
 

I pulled out my birthday card. It brought tears to my eyes and reinforced all of the love and encouragement she's given throughout my life. If you know me, expression in the written word means a lot.
 

On to the gifts: I pulled out a super cute black jacket/vest that is trending right now. How did she even know I was thinking of buying one? She didn't, but she somehow gets it right every time.
 

Next, I pulled out a gorgeous metallic necklace which I have been trying to find for a couple of months. HOW DOES SHE KNOW when I haven't even told her?
 

Then, I pulled out a beaded chain for my reading glasses. She did know I wanted this but it's perfect and I love that I didn't have to pick it out myself. My mom seems to always come through on items that I over-contemplate (i.e. purses, jackets, etc.).
 

Last, I pulled out the most adorable little cappuccino cup that is also a candle. It smells like coffee and I love that it's so petite.

 

 

My mom rocks the free world when it comes to giving gifts. Not because she spends a lot of money (because she doesn't) - it's because she gives with a level of thoughtfulness that only comes through a generous and loving heart. She holds her hands open ready to give. You can ask anyone that knows her; they will tell you the same thing. Wouldn't it be great if we all had that kind of reputation?
 

I love you, Mom, and I'll never outgrow your love.