Donuts and cappuccinos

I've asked God to help me start processing the possibility of having a full hysterectomy because I tend to power through my storms and then I deal with an aftermath of emotion once it's all over. Powering through is good for getting life done but it's not good for living life now. It's also not a healthy way to cope. 

Recently I noticed that I allow myself to eat donuts and drink cappuccinos a lot more than I used to. My normal self would say that's not very disciplined and I haven't worked out enough to indulge. However, my learning to cope self has decided it's okay.

Now, eating donuts and drinking cappuccinos without regard is only good for a season so I couldn't do this the rest of my life. But, during this particular season, my heart is telling me to cut myself some slack and I'm listening to my heart a little more than my mind which is a huge change for me.

Another change for me is knowing and respecting my limitations. There are times that I leave a baby shower a little early. There are times that I strategically exit conversations about birthing stories. There are times that I get overwhelmed with emotion and go to the bathroom to cry. These are absolutely necessary for me to cope with where I am.

Along with those times that I have to guard against "baby void overload," there are also beautiful love notes from God that help soothe my aching heart. There are times I get letters and drawings from my nephews and it brings me to happy, satisfying tears. There are times my friends let me pick up their children from the nursery after church and their sweet little smiles bring me so much joy. There are times a little one picks me out of group to love on and I feel so special.

I’ve become more aware of how I’m feeling when I’m in a situation and, for the most part, I allow myself to fully feel it. This doesn’t give me a pass to be an emotional basket case or require others to tiptoe around me. I want my friends and family to be themselves. I want them tell me cute stories about their kids. I want to be invited to birthday parties and baby showers. I want to live life as it is but not stuff everything that I’m really going through on the inside.

So, I’m just living life and that might look like a lot of different things at different times but that is what tells me I’ve grown in the coping department. My former coping scenario looked a lot like this – Smile, keep moving and you’ll get through this. Now it’s more like – Smile if you can but cry if you need to, keep moving if you can but stop to regroup if you need to and you’ll get through this but enjoy life as it is now.

This change in my thinking hasn’t come simply through my own doing; God is teaching me. I'm trying to lean on Him for wisdom and let His grace carry me through this season. He lovingly sends me reminder after reminder that I’m not alone. Without Him, there would be no coping because there would be no hope.