Keeping it together [all the time] is overrated

After hearing my doctor confirm the Endo is growing back, I felt like crawling into a hole. I wanted to just have my breakdown in the office but I kept it together as she explained my few, not so good options. I kept it together as I squared away some billing issues. I kept it together as all of the pregnant women were checking in for their appointments. I kept it together in the elevator with a lady and her toddler.

I've always been really good at keeping it together, but I am slowly learning that I don't have to all the time. Hence my breakdown process from my drive back to work to now.

As soon as I got in my car, the tears were streaming. I grabbed my phone to call Dave. While the phone was ringing, I was asking God to help me. I told Him that He's the only one that can change this situation because I cannot. I have tried.

I did not keep it together when I talked to Dave. I told him, through much sobbing, “I know God is my father and I know He cares, but I don’t understand.” He prayed for me and my heart cried out to God again. I did not keep it together when I talked to my supervisor about my appointment. She asked if she could pray for me and I just received it because I needed to be weak. I did not keep it together when I told another co-worker about my appointment. She asked if she could give me a hug and I accepted the comfort because I needed it.

So, today I put on my usual strong face and kept it together when I wanted to crumble. BUT, I also cried.  I called my husband. I cried some more. I talked to others and welcomed their support.  Most importantly, I called out to God instead of just saying, “I’m okay because God is in control.” Instead of wrapping my hurt in clichés, I am asking God to wrap me in His unfailing love.  

This is one of those times I need His peace and I need Him to speak a fresh word that He's with me. I need to be reminded that, as I walk ahead into whatever outcome lies before me, He's going to work out the details. I know these things, but it's okay for me to need my Father to tell me again. And, I think God is okay with telling me again.