No relationship can take the place of Jesus

Lately, I've been searching for deeper friendships.

I started a women's small group. It has been fun and I've gotten closer to some women, but the void in my heart is still there.

I have tried to get to know a few friends better. It has been successful on some fronts but the void in my heart is still there.

In my attempts to foster deeper friendships, I realized I was trying to fill a void that only Jesus can. His friendship is the only one that will truly satisfy my soul. Cultivating deeper relationships is a good thing, but no relationship can take the place of Jesus. Why is that?

No one can love like Jesus. His love is unconditional. I am already funny enough, smart enough and pretty enough for Jesus. Just as I am, He loves me like crazy. Through that unconditional love, He gave His life for me with no guarantee I would return His love. That's a love I really can't comprehend but I receive it because I need that kind of love.

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

No one can understand like Jesus. He gets me – every part of me. You see, I'm still hurting. I'm still grieving the loss of my womb. No person can truly understand what’s going on in my heart. As much as I try to explain or connect, no person can fill that place and heal me – only Jesus can.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:15-16

No one can be there all time like Jesus. I cannot wear Jesus out. He is always ready and willing to spend time with me - anytime, anywhere. What a huge comfort to know I can call out to Him and He's never too tired to listen to me...He's never too busy to stop and sit with me. It blows my mind because I'm human with human capabilities. 

And be sure of this: I am will you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20

While my friendships play an important role in my life, they are not designed to take the place of Jesus. So, I breathe a sigh of relief and keep taking my heart to Jesus.

A bike, roses & new tennis shoes

What do they have in common? They are the real life places where love, romance and friendship flourish.

A bike. I've wanted a cruiser bike for a couple of years now and I finally got one last week for my birthday. Dave has been looking on Craigslist for the perfect one. He knew I wanted one with a retro look and a wide, comfy seat.

I’ve never met a man who listens the way he does. He picks up on the things that are important to me and makes them his priority. His love for me shines through and captures my heart again and again. Not that it’s not his for the taking, but he seldom allows it a chance to be anywhere else.

Roses. October 31 – some know it as Halloween. Some know it as a stressful day to get the kids all decked out in costumes. Some know it as just another day. I will forever know it as the anniversary of our first date. I don't expect Dave to remember, but he does. I definitely don't expect any romantic gestures because he is romantic all year long.

This year, however, he enamored me with a dozen roses and beautiful words. The roses were stunning and they made me feel really special, but it was his words that brought thankful tears to my eyes. He tells me God helps him to write the right stuff…and I believe that, but I also believe it’s in his desire to romance me that these ideas unfold.

The greatest part about those words is that I don’t need them to believe them. He already makes me feel that way and when I read the words, it’s like my heart says, “he lives this out each day.” So, while I soak up the flowers and words, it’s the daily actions that surround them to give them so much meaning.

New tennis shoes. I'm getting into my running groove again and I needed a new pair of tennis shoes. Dave spent Saturday morning helping me try on shoes and pick the perfect balance of cute and cushy. This meant multiple pairs of shoes and multiple stores. And, a little Chick-fil-A break in between. 

Shopping is not for the faint of heart and most guys, including Dave, don’t have a huge tolerance for it. But, our friendship is deep and it's out of that firm foundation we built years ago that he honors me by going with me, bringing me shoes and being a part of the process. Now, he certainly doesn’t go on every shopping excursion, but he knew I needed/wanted his input and that's when it really counts.

I love the quote, “love is friendship set on fire.” If I could add one little thing to that it would be, “love is friendship set on fire, fueled by romance.” I know it takes a lot more than those three things to make marriage work, but they sure make it fun. 

Perfect vessels in glass cases

While praying for a friend going through a rough season, God showed me a powerful illustration.

I saw a clear, glass case with a pristine ship inside of it. I then saw hands take it out and put it in stormy waters. I watched the ship as the waves beat upon it. Although it was being whipped by the wind and waves, it never capsized or fell apart.

I felt God say, "I've taken this perfect vessel out of its glass case so I can show the world My master craftsmanship. It is of no use to Me unless I take it out and show what it’s made of.”

Like my friend, many faithful followers of Christ go through unexpected storms in life. I don’t have the answers for this suffering, but I can say a few things that I know for sure:

A life surrendered to God is used to speak to others in their own storm. Living in a place of surrender brings about a true reliance on God and it’s that dependence on Him that carries us through the rough waters. Watching others faithfully walk through their storms encourages me to keep walking and challenges me to keep my heart in a place of surrender.

Serving God through the storm brings Him glory. By staying on the ship during the storm, we point to God as the ultimate shipbuilder. Even as the ship is being tossed around, God’s favor and protection surrounds us. God built the ship to withstand the storm so, if I can just stand firm, He’ll bring me through and it will glorify His name.

Faith is strengthened in preparation for the future. As God upholds the vessel, a deep trust is formed – a trust that no force on earth can shatter. This is the kind of heart posture God looks for in His servants and it is what will take us to the places and hearts He has prepared for us. Learning to live in that deep trust will always strengthen my faith and lead me to the next steps God has for me.

Perfect vessels in glass cases are pretty to look at, but they haven’t truly been used by the One who made them. They haven’t really seen or tasted life. They serve only to be admired for their appearance not their strength and endurance. 

It’s the scraped and scarred vessels who have faced the raging storms and survived that are the most beautiful. In their darkest hour, they courageously find strength and peace in the palm of their Master’s hand. That’s the kind of vessel I want to be. At the risk of never seeing the glass case until Heaven, I pray God continues to place me where He can use me…even if that be a stormy sea.

God doesn't waste pain

Photo by There Is Grace

I was privileged to guest post for my friend, Nancy, who is recovering from surgery. To read a piece of my story that many may not know, visit There Is Grace.

A rogue eyelash from Hades

Ever had a rogue eyelash? I had one for several years and didn't know it was the mystery thing I was constantly trying to get out of my eye.

I spent a lot of time searching for whatever was scratching my eye only to end up frustrated when I found nothing. It may sound silly but it was a huge nuisance that afflicted me daily.

This was the saga of my right eye until last year when I had the great idea of using my super-magnifying mirror at an angle. To my amazement, it was an eyelash growing towards my eye. I was so excited to finally have an answer.

I remembered hearing somewhere that eyelashes never grow back if you pluck them. I figured I had plenty of eyelashes and I was done with how this tiny eyelash messed with me. I confidently took my tweezers and plucked that baby. The relief was immediate and the freedom my eye felt was a confirmation of my decision.

Until this week, I had been free from that rogue eyelash from Hades. To my dismay it has grown back!! Someone out there is wrong...eyelashes do grow back. They grow back and they repeat the same offense. Not cool. Thankfully, I already have the answer and I have a date with my magnifying mirror to pluck it again.

My point, you ask? Dealing with a rogue eyelash can be a lot like dealing with life.

Sometimes the most natural reaction isn’t right. In my search for the source of my discomfort, I never thought it was my own eyelash growing towards my eye. It was natural to think it was something that had fallen in my eye and not that my own eye was causing the problem. When I evaluate situations to see what went wrong and I can’t say I start with myself first because, let’s face it, that’s not fun. I’m learning to kick pride out which means I have to force myself to look at me first. This isn’t a natural response; it’s actually quite painful. But, every single time I humble myself in this way, it brings such growth and peace.

Sometimes it just takes a different angle to truly see the situation. It wasn’t until I flipped the mirror sideways that the light shined on that eyelash. It wasn’t a one dimensional kind of situation and life’s situations aren’t either. There’s always more going on than what I can conceive and when I take the time to see all sides, I gain insight which brings understanding. Many times, understanding is the pathway to resolution – when I validate someone by acknowledging where they’re coming from, I see and deal with them through eyes of grace.

Sometimes the same issue has to be dealt with more than once (maybe repeatedly) but that doesn’t mean defeat. Dealing with my eyelash is symbolic of all the places I have to continually confront and uproot from my life. It may be a small matter that can easily be “plucked” once a year or it may be a huge matter that takes some serious thought, prayer and energy several times a year. It can be so discouraging to face the same thing over and over, but the key is to keep walking with consistency. If I remind myself I have battled this before and that I know how to win, I will win again. 

God told me to get over myself

Standing in the worship service, I was struggling to keep my thoughts at rest – thinking of how I felt frumpy in my outfit, my hair looking all crazy and…the list goes on. My mind was not focused on God because I was consumed with what I thought of myself and what others might be thinking of me.

In that moment, I felt God say, "Get over yourself. There is so much more going on if you would take your focus off yourself and place it on Me."

I was convicted. I asked God to forgive me. My mind became clear and my heart began to soar. Conviction led to repentance which led to such a freedom.

Not thinking about myself frees me to be who God has created me to be. The real me that isn’t concerned with what anyone else might think. The real me that is confident in my uniqueness. The real me that is free to be me.

Since I'm an introvert, I'm naturally extra self-aware. So, what do I do when I realize I need to get over myself?

Focus on God. Sounds simple, right? It takes intentional effort and discipline but it’s so necessary for me. Especially when I can sense that I'm over analyzing something I've done or said. The fastest way to nip it is to start thinking about all that I know to be true – God and His word. That’s where I renew my mind and begin to find peace in who He has made me to be. It’s like my mind is released from a prison where crazy fairies torturously rule. 

Focus on others. Once I’ve recalibrated my perspective from myself to God, I can see others with a clear lens. In fact, the plaguing self-magnifying glass is removed and I am freed to think of others. Thinking of others leads to praying for them which also leads to looking for a way to meet their needs. And, that’s so much more rewarding.

Focus on what matters. Focusing on God and others takes my eyes off the details that have no eternal bearing. I am reminded that the true heart of life is love, joy and peace which supersede the little details that can entangle my mind. Whew, what a relief! It’s a relief to release myself from the dead-end thoughts and mental exhaustion of what DOESN’T even matter. With that new-found energy and focus, I can contribute to what I know matters.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting over myself is more than worth it. 

I used to be Michael Bublé's "Lost" girl

Last week I was listening to Pandora when “Lost” by Michael Bublé came on. I was reminded of the first time I ever heard it and how I was so taken with the lyrics. At that time, I felt like it was my life's story. I played it many times, seeing myself in the lines yearning for a different season.

Summer turned to winter

And the snow had turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the girl you are today

My sunny days had disappeared and all I could see was rain. I had been in a marriage that had scarred my heart by continuous deception and betrayal. I was living a life I never expected for myself.

The last verse of the song resonated in my heart: Baby, you’re not lost. I really wanted that to be true, but it just wasn't. I was so lost. Lost in my pain. Lost in my broken dreams. Lost in a hole that I wasn’t sure I’d come out of.

Over the next year, I felt released to walk away from that marriage. God began a work of emotional healing in me that only He could do. The deep parts of my heart were being restored and I was becoming whole again.

The process was difficult because it was a process not an event. It happened over time and the Lord used many people to encourage and help rebuild the broken places in my life. God had graciously given me a wonderful support group that walked with me as I started this new path alone.

When I moved to Springfield, I was still in that process of healing. A couple of months later I was in a service when I felt God show me that my heart was whole again. It was a beautiful moment of realization. I cried happy tears of complete wholeness for the first time in years.

I used to be that “lost” girl, but I'm not anymore. I thank God I'm not anymore. God redeems the lost – people, hearts, dreams – all of it. God restores the broken and makes it whole again.

Today, I face a different struggle but I face it with a whole heart and with my best friend. Dave loves me in a way I’ve never known before and it gives me courage, strength and joy for this unknown journey. That season of being lost was hard, but it makes where I am that much more incredible and I'm grateful for that.

What do you do when everyone's having babies around you?

Facebook is full of life announcements. Whether it's what someone ate for lunch, who they ran into at the mall or what color of toe nail polish they chose for the day – it’s all the latest and greatest news. That's one thing I love about Facebook because I enjoy feeling caught up with the everyday stuff of my FB friends.

Well, it seems most everyone is about to give birth or getting pregnant. I'm happy for all of them but it forces me to face my situation. It forces me to face my hurt and disappointment. It also forces me to ask God what He has in store for me.

When you've had a life-altering surgery that has removed your womb, it can be difficult to see pregnancy and birth announcements day after day. Not that I don’t feel sincere joy and happiness for those people, it's just that I am still hurting.

So, what do you do when everyone's having babies around you? I can only speak for myself but some days I cry. Some days I call Dave and tell him how hard it is to know God didn't allow me to conceive. Some days I tell God I still don’t understand.

But, then some days I sit in amazement of how blessed I am to be with my soul mate and that my life is complete. Some days I thank God for healing me through surgery so I don't have to live with the pain of Endometriosis. Some days I think about how BIG God is and how much GREATER His plans are.

I need to have those days of crying and questioning to truly process this grief. I need to ask God the tough questions – even if I don't get the answers, my heart needs to rid itself of them. I need to breathe those days in but also exhale them so they don't turn into a toxic mindset.

I also need to have those days when I see my many blessings and His hands at work in my life. I need to thank Him for everything – I could be in such a different place had it not been for His saving grace. I need to breathe those days in and exhale them to others walking a similar path.

I believe we aren't meant to get stuck in our pain, but I also believe we aren’t meant to hold our stories with a vice grip so that no one else can share in the faithfulness of God.

As an introvert, it can be hard for me to share what God is doing in my heart but it’s so important to allow others in so He can use my situation to encourage someone else.

Writing is free therapy that allows me to do both. It’s where I can find a home for my deepest thoughts and emotions while using it as an outlet for expression. I cannot just write to write – it has to be real and it has to mean something.

Which brings me back to where I am. I am living out this disappointment in front of the world (or so it seems). It’s not something I can hide from. I am in a vulnerable place but a place maybe someone else can relate to. 

So, I write and I share where I am. Where I truly am. Because, if I don’t share where I truly am, I’ll never truly connect with the soul of another. I'm not willing to risk that, not for a facade of perfection or a masked seclusion.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

Sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank

Ask me what I picture ahead in the future and I can’t give anything definitive. I’ve always been able to picture something (school, work, kids) but I can’t see anything right now.

Does this mean that I’m lost? It might seem that way but I believe sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank so He can paint the picture for me. I believe this is one of those times I will look back and see how much more beautiful this season of my life turns out simply because I let Him.

It's so tempting to just start doing something on that blank canvas because I have a need to see progress. In fact, my natural tendency is to plan out details of the future. My human mind likes to analyze and get it all figured out. To be honest, many times I’ve found myself ahead of God which ultimately wasted a lot of my mental and emotional energy.

I can only plan so far then I have to step away and trust.

That’s not always easy for a natural born planner (me!). But, I know this is a time God is asking me to take my hands off of the paintbrush and give it to Him. As hard as it is for my flesh, I do it and I will likely have to keep doing it many more times. That’s another natural tendency of mine – taking back something I’ve surrendered to God because I see how I could make it work or control the situation.

Again, it all comes back to a transfer of trust.

It’s letting go of my need to know and taking hold of the hand of the One who is truly in control and will lead me through the unknown future. There isn’t a better place to be. There isn’t a better guide to have. There isn’t a better artist to paint my blank canvas.

Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most

Sitting in my office thinking about life and all that has happened over the last few months, it's easy to get discouraged.  It's easy to let my thoughts and emotions run wild.

That's the most important time for me to turn to God. To tune out those thoughts, I need God's truth to overcome them. Focusing on Him and His presence quickly drowns out the cares of this world. Not that they don't still exist, but the power of God's presence puts them in their place.

My cares are at God's disposal and as His daughter; I can rest in knowing He will always show up in my life. That doesn't mean every situation will be turned around the way I want, but it does mean my heart and mind can be turned around to see HIM as author and finisher of my life.

I can't find what I need in doing more for God. I can't find what I need in making more plans for my life. I can't find what I need in another person. I can't find what I need listening to nothing but Christian music. I can't find what I need unless I spend time with the One who is everything I need.

The power of God's presence is greater than any earthly power I can conjure up. In His presence, I find wisdom, strength, joy, peace, comfort, direction, provision – I find everything I can’t do for myself.

The only place to find true rest is in God's presence. The only way to live in that rest is a continual, ongoing relationship with God. When I feel Him calling me to sit with Him awhile, may my answer be yes. Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most.

Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

I have nothing to prove to Jesus

Feeling understood is really important to me. When I don't feel understood, I try to think of ways to make others truly understand. When that doesn't work, it's frustrating but I just have to walk away knowing some things cannot be explained or understood.

With all that has gone on with my hysterectomy, there have been times I've felt misunderstood. There have been times I've felt like I have to prove I'm okay but I'm in a process that just takes time. Because of that, I've felt exhausted just thinking about telling people how I’m doing.

Physically, I still have a little swelling and tenderness. I get sore after sitting for too long because some muscles have been on vacation. I’m still in the process of gaining my energy back but I am feeling more like myself each week! It's wonderful to be on this side of things yet I still don't have a date that I know I'll be fully 100%. Am I ready to run a 5k? No. It takes months to completely heal after this surgery. I’m taking it easy and recovering the right way. On the outside, I look fine but my body isn't there yet and that’s okay.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. Specifically, I'd like to publicly answer the most asked question, “Are you depressed?” No, thank the Lord! I've spent a lot of time reflecting and praying and folks, I'm just plain old grieving. I’m still hurting but it’s a natural part of the process.

Before and after surgery, we prayed that God would keep me from emotional crazytown and He has. I continue to talk to God about how I'm feeling and ask Him to show me emotions I need to deal with but to not let me get stuck in a hole. He's been faithful to answer that prayer. I frequently talk to Dave and tell him how I'm feeling. We both have our moments but we continue to move forward, allowing each other time and grace to grieve.

The other day a good friend of ours called Dave to tell him that he and his wife know my hysterectomy wasn't an event that took care of everything and that it’s all over now. He made sure we know that they realize it's something we're still dealing with and they are still praying for us. My first thought was, “Thank you for getting it!!”

Not everyone does get it and I have to accept that. I have to accept it could be people I love dearly that mean well but think it's all or nothing – that I'm either totally fine or totally a wreck. One huge comfort is that Jesus always gets it. Always.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove to Jesus. He knows. He knows my thoughts, my motives and my desires. He knows the depths of my heart. I don't have to explain to make Him understand. There are times I cannot utter the words and He's there to comfort me. There are times I tell Him "all about it" and I’m thankful it doesn't have to be a long conversation that leaves me feeling frustrated because I KNOW He understands. What other person in my life can I say that about? As much as others may try, they are still human. Jesus is the only one who can always understand me. And, that's why I want to keep pouring my heart out Him – so the one who knows me best can be at work in me.

During my time in prayer this week, I started with, "Lord, this hurts to know I'll never carry a baby…" but after many tears and confessions of raw emotions, I felt His loving arms around me and my prayer ended with, "Lord, I believe You will do something spectacular through this and You will use Dave and I to bring You glory." My heart swelled with faith and anticipation for what He is going to do. 

Although we're hurting, we're running to Jesus and we're seeing Him change our hearts in ways that could never have happened before. Through our brokenness, He is working in us. Yes, it's painful but it's beautiful and powerful because it's HIM not US.

How to expect great things from God after bad things happen

After experiencing loss or tragedy, it’s easy to lose sight of God’s goodness and His plan. I’ve found that the junk of life can somber my spirit and my expectancy for what God has for me. I’m very self-aware, almost too much at times, so I have been evaluating my heart and I know I need God’s help to refresh my hope for the future.

My infertility and hysterectomy aren’t the first times I’ve suffered great heartache. Before God brought Dave into my life, I was in a ten year marriage to a man I met in bible college. Within the first year of marriage, he spiraled into a life of addiction. It took many years full of pain, heartbreak and disappointment before I felt a release to walk away.

I look back on those years and see how I clung to God and how He faithfully covered me. Even when it felt like my life was so broken and I didn’t understand what was going on, God saw ahead to where I am now. Of all that happened during that time, my relationship with God ran deep, I knew He would bring me through it all.

Since then, I’ve met and married my soul mate – a term I never fully understood until Dave. My heart is whole and my life is so full. I cannot thank God enough for where I am today and all He’s given me. Because of what I went through before, these blessings remain fresh and that’s a tremendous gift.

In light of feeling so blessed, I have been fighting discouragement about the future and wondering if my life will be filled with a series of bad things. I know this is not a healthy or biblical mindset. Even if bad things were destined to happen, God doesn’t want me to focus on these thoughts because they conjure up fear, worry and doubt which not only contradict His word but deteriorate peace, joy and hope.

For me, the best way to dispel discouragement and lies is to rely on God’s word. I don’t mean just read some verses and say a little prayer. I mean, search out the verses that speak to me and meditate on them until they sink deep into my heart and soul – until my mind is transformed.

I’m retraining myself how to expect great things from God after bad things happen and God’s word is removing the untruths that try to entangle my heart and mind.

Remember who God is. I’m reading about how God loves and takes care of His children that serve Him. Here are some verses that remind me who God is:

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. Psalm 103:1-5

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Remember God’s plan. I’m relying on scriptures that reassure me that God works His plan regardless of the circumstance. Here are some key verses that I’m meditating on to keep my mind in check about God’s plan for me:

You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people. Genesis 50:20

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember what God’s already done. I’m recounting times in my life that God faithfully worked in and through a situation. As I do this, thankfulness overflows and faith begins to rise. Here are some verses that remind me what God has already done for me:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; He rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Psalm 34:18

Even though the fig trees have no blossoms, and there are no grapes on the vines; even though the olive crop fails, and the fields lie empty and barren; even though the flocks die in the fields, and the cattle barns are empty, yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights. Habakkuk 3:17-19

For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

Yes, bad things have happened and there are days I find myself still grieving the loss of my womb, but I can also still believe God for the best in my life. That doesn’t mean I blindly believe for anything no matter what; it means I believe for the best and trust that God will work out His plan in the best way possible no matter what. He’s my loving Father and what loving father wouldn’t want the best for his child? 

The Chronicles of HysterNarnia: The Surgery, the Recovery and the Future

The Surgery

We arrived at the hospital @ 6:15am, checked in and I was able to change into my glamorous surgery wardrobe. If you’ve ever had surgery, you know how exciting it is to wear a backless gown with people coming in and out of the room. J So, I just hung out in my breezy gown, no-slip socks and awesome blue “hat” while I was asked about twenty times if I knew my name and birthdate.

Our pastor came to see us about 7am and prayed with us. I am a very visual person so metaphors are powerful to me. When pastor prayed that angels would surround me with their wings and protect me, it was a beautiful moment picturing their wings and feeling God’s precious peace.

Soon after I was wheeled off to surgery waiting where I was given the good stuff and pretty much didn’t care about anything else. I had been looking forward to the good stuff all morning. J I remember saying goodbye to Dave and then the next thing I know I was waking up from surgery.

Waking up is the first step in recovery but it’s an important one. Many people who have surgery fear there will be a complication with the anesthesia and will not wake up. God faithfully watched over me and I made it through.

Upon waking up, I was really nauseous which tends to happen to me after anesthesia. They gave me everything they could but I still had severe nausea. On top of that, I was having quite a bit of pain and pressure where I had internal stitches. I started to get concerned that this surgery would be harder than my other ones. About thirty minutes later the nurses took out some packing and that was a TRIP. It was the packing/gauze that never ended….like a clown trick she kept pulling and it kept coming. But, once they pulled that out, the severe pain and pressure went away along with the nausea. The pain level was more like what I was used to and that was a relief to know I could handle it.

I can’t tell you how comforting it was to have our friend (who works at the hospital) there the next time I woke up in my room. He just held my hand and I felt so blessed to have such a great friend.

Next was Dave. Seeing him was the ultimate comfort. He came to my side and reassured me. He told me surgery had lasted four hours because the Endometriosis was so bad again – it had grown all over my colon. He told me my doctor had called in other surgeons to help her with the colon and then she finished the hysterectomy. I was surprised but not surprised. I had been in a lot of pain but didn’t really know it would be that bad so soon. It was yet again another confirmation of the Lord’s leading and our decision to have the surgery.

Dave traded with my mom so she could come and see me. I know it was hard on her to see me like that but having her with me made all the difference. Before surgery we sat on my couch and I cried on her shoulder. After surgery she was there to give me drinks and feed me crackers. She has a way of helping that never makes me feel like a burden. She’s one of the best earthly examples of God’s love. Not to mention the fact that she stayed with me in the hospital that night – she had to sleep on a cot in the middle of the room with another patient just a few feet away and nurses running around all night. J I guess any mom might do that but I still believe my mom is exceptional.

The Recovery

After proving I was a good patient (being able to empty my bladder and pass *ahem* wind), I was released from the hospital. I was really glad to be going home but the ride home was uncomfortable. I had a pillow clenched to my stomach the entire time because every little bump in the road is felt when you’re sore and swollen. Over the years, Dave has learned to become an expert bump averter when driving me after surgery.

I went straight from the car to the couch where we had prepared a lovely spot to park myself several hours during the day. Let’s just say there’s a permanent indention there as I type. J The one good thing about having several other surgeries is that we have become somewhat pros at preparing and preventing when it comes to postop problems or issues.

Between Dave and my mom, they made every meal, helped me up and down, helped me get dressed/undressed and did all of the housework. My mom even went the extra mile and helped me with some “stuff” in the bathroom. Yeah, she might actually be an angelic being.

The first two weeks were a challenge but what amazing friends and family we have! We received flowers from our church, Dave’s co-workers and my dad & stepmom. This is the first time to receive flowers after a surgery and I really didn’t think it would be a big deal but they were so uplifting to our spirits. To add to the beauty, my mom gave me bright and cheery balloons but they have since retired so I wasn't able to get a good photo of them.

  

 

My co-workers gave us a sweet card containing gift cards to our favorite restaurants. This was no small thing and it truly touched our hearts. The notes in my card made me smile, brought me to tears and simply made my day. Dave and I just sat there overwhelmed with their love.

One of our dear friends set up a Meal Train and we have meals covered until February 25 which is a HUGE blessing since Dave is taking care of everything and back to work now. The same friend and her husband came over with their cutie pie kids to bring us a meal and they also gave us two amazing care baskets full of our favorite treats, soda and coffee. It was so incredibly thoughtful of them and humbling for us to be loved in such a lavish manner.

 

 

To sum it all up, we have been absolutely blown away by the love and generosity of our community around us. The support we have felt has been healing balm to our hearts and we are so grateful.

The Future

In the words of the wise (Arnold Schwarzenegger accent), “Da futcha is now!” LOL. Sorry, that’s really the first thing I think of when I hear or say the word future. J

I had my 2 week checkup last week and it was very positive. I’m healing well and on my way to full recovery. The best news of all is that my doctor said I would have had menopause symptoms by now if I was going to. Other than feeling a little warm at night, which I attribute to my three layers of clothing, I haven’t had one single negative symptom. I feel great and that means no hormone replacement therapy! Praise the Lord!!

I have 3 weeks left of recovery and am still very limited on what I can do. I forgot how lame daytime TV is – who really watches all of the court shows?? We don’t have cable so now that I’m able to maneuver the laptop, I’ll be writing and scouring the web for movies and documentaries that Dave would never want to watch. J

Maybe next week I’ll try to drive. My doctor said that I should wait until I know I can stomp on the brake and not be in pain…yeah, next week I might try that. I still can’t lift or carry anything over 5-10 lbs so there goes hoisting Dave on my shoulders while shouting “He’s #1!” I can fold laundry so I see a lot of that in my days ahead. I’m trying to focus on what I can do AND reminding myself this is a short season overall.

As for what our plans are for children. Honestly, we are not sure what the next step will be. I do ask you would be praying for us in this area. We are looking to the Lord and relying on Him to direct our steps. Our desire is for the Lord to use us and to bring purpose from our pain. He is the best Redeemer.

Keeping my conversations with God open

The other day I was talking with my mom about surgery. She was telling me that she's looking forward to the relief I'll have being pain-free. She was being as positive as she could.

When I got off the phone I had a sense that she was still processing a lot of sadness but maybe felt she had to be “pumped up” for me. I knew I needed to call her back and tell her it's okay to be sad and that she can talk about it with me.

I called her a couple of nights later. I told her exactly what I felt I should and she began to cry. She said she was sad. She said she didn’t want her baby girl to have to go through this. She said she couldn't believe the Endo had already grown back and that she truly believed I would be pregnant by now. She said she's still praying for God to heal me.

I could relate to 100% of what she said because I am still mourning and processing myself. I let her know that I've been keeping my conversations with God open because I don't want to get stuck. He can handle my questions, He can handle my emotions, He can handle me not understanding – He can handle it all.

So many times we go through dark times thinking just have faith. While that is true, there also has to be a deeper level of communion with God. If I don’t keep my conversations with God real, I could end up in a permanent state of disillusionment. I don’t want that for myself and I don’t want that for my mom.

For me, keeping it real means inviting God into every part of my life and acknowledging His sovereignty in the tough places. It’s about giving Him my best and my worst days, letting Him shape my perspective, trusting Him when I can’t see, and talking to Him about what’s going on in my heart.

Two Stones Dance Upon the Water

A poem I wrote for Dave in honor of our 4^th wedding anniversary.