Keeping it together [all the time] is overrated

After hearing my doctor confirm the Endo is growing back, I felt like crawling into a hole. I wanted to just have my breakdown in the office but I kept it together as she explained my few, not so good options. I kept it together as I squared away some billing issues. I kept it together as all of the pregnant women were checking in for their appointments. I kept it together in the elevator with a lady and her toddler.

I've always been really good at keeping it together, but I am slowly learning that I don't have to all the time. Hence my breakdown process from my drive back to work to now.

As soon as I got in my car, the tears were streaming. I grabbed my phone to call Dave. While the phone was ringing, I was asking God to help me. I told Him that He's the only one that can change this situation because I cannot. I have tried.

I did not keep it together when I talked to Dave. I told him, through much sobbing, “I know God is my father and I know He cares, but I don’t understand.” He prayed for me and my heart cried out to God again. I did not keep it together when I talked to my supervisor about my appointment. She asked if she could pray for me and I just received it because I needed to be weak. I did not keep it together when I told another co-worker about my appointment. She asked if she could give me a hug and I accepted the comfort because I needed it.

So, today I put on my usual strong face and kept it together when I wanted to crumble. BUT, I also cried.  I called my husband. I cried some more. I talked to others and welcomed their support.  Most importantly, I called out to God instead of just saying, “I’m okay because God is in control.” Instead of wrapping my hurt in clichés, I am asking God to wrap me in His unfailing love.  

This is one of those times I need His peace and I need Him to speak a fresh word that He's with me. I need to be reminded that, as I walk ahead into whatever outcome lies before me, He's going to work out the details. I know these things, but it's okay for me to need my Father to tell me again. And, I think God is okay with telling me again.

Waffles, sanchos & a hope chest

Last time I went to visit my mom; she made waffles for breakfast and her famous sanchos for dinner. It was like getting into a time machine and going back to my childhood. There's something amazing about how a certain food or smell can take you back to a sweet spot in your life. It's like being connected to those people and memories all over again.

 

The waffles were my grandma's recipe. She passed away about 19 years ago so I imagine it's a huge comfort to my mom every time she pulls out that recipe and brings those same ingredients together. As I watched my mom standing in her kitchen, I wondered if she was thinking of her mom and all the times she made these waffles.

The sanchos were my mom's invention. I believe she concocted this delicious meal out of her love for Mexican food and the necessity to feed a family of seven. As I was eating, I couldn't help but think of all the meals she prepared for us. We didn't know how much work went into feeding such a big family, and she never told us.

 

There was always so much love in everything my mom and grandma did for us. I think that’s because they both had a sincere love for life and those around them. It's inspiring and challenging. I want to be remembered for those kinds of qualities. I want those I love to look back on our memories and be surrounded by warmth.

Before we left, my mom offered me a hope chest she's had all these years. She wasn’t sure I'd want it because it has a little water damage. Let me just say, I love that chest for many reasons. The main reason is it was my mom's.  It's been a part of my memories for as long as I can remember. How could she even question if I'd want it? I don't know. Needless to say, I happily took it.

After I got home, I opened the chest and ran my fingers across it. I cannot explain the comfort and joy that I felt. It was like a cozy fire had been lit around my heart. I just stared inside the chest and pictured the different things I remember my mom had stored in it. I thought about what I would store in it. More importantly, I thought about how I’d have this piece of my mom near me.  

So what do waffles, sanchos and a hope chest have in common? They represent the gifts my mom gave me – a flood of memories that have made me who I am and remind me who I want to be. Waffles will always remind me to be kind and generous. Sanchos will always remind me to love and laugh. And, my hope chest will always remind me to treasure the past, enjoy today and have hope for the future.

I sometimes question my level of faith

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes question my level of faith. Do I have enough? By accepting what appears to be taking place in my life, am I giving up? Should/how do I believe for a miracle that may not be God's plan?

Yeah, tomorrow God could heal me and we could get pregnant but that's not what it looks like right now. Figuring out how to hope for something with a surrendered heart is HARD STUFF.

 

A couple of nights ago, Dave and I listened to a sermon by Stephen Kuert, An Atmosphere of Faith. We were challenged to examine our hearts and evaluate if we are cultivating an atmosphere of faith. A challenge we did need.

When going through a situation that only God can change, it's easy to pull back on faith. That's why it's important for me to continue to feed my spirit, to surround myself with those that believe with/for me, to focus on scriptures that swell with God's faithfulness and to keep regular communion with God.

After listening to the sermon, I had a lot of thoughts and a few tears. Has my faith decreased? I don't think so. Has my faith changed over the years? Yes, it has deepened. I have seen God perform miracles in my life and I have seen Him allow me to go through the undesired. Both have brought about wonderful blessings in ways I could not have foreseen. I would say my faith has evolved from a girl that believed God would do anything she asked to a woman that believes God will do what is best in His omniscient eyes.

 

For me, it comes back to where my faith truly is. I do believe God can perform any miracle, but my faith lies more strongly in the fact that God is sovereign and His will is best even if I don't understand. I trust that He will use my pain for His glory. I trust that He will use my brokenness for His purpose. I trust that He will bring beauty from my mess.

I also trust He will bring me joy in the morning. I trust He will carry me when I'm weak. I trust He will never leave me. I trust He will walk with me through the fire. I trust that He will work all things for my good. I trust that He is faithful to His word and He will not fail me.

As I think about my faith, I see that faith and trust are intertwined. If I believe, I can trust. If I trust, I can believe. And, that's where total peace is found. Peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace that reaches into my heart and calms the raging storm.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

So, here's my personalization of this verse, "Faith is the confidence that my hope for God's perfect will in my life will actually happen; it gives me assurance about things I cannot see." 

Donuts and cappuccinos

I've asked God to help me start processing the possibility of having a full hysterectomy because I tend to power through my storms and then I deal with an aftermath of emotion once it's all over. Powering through is good for getting life done but it's not good for living life now. It's also not a healthy way to cope. 

Recently I noticed that I allow myself to eat donuts and drink cappuccinos a lot more than I used to. My normal self would say that's not very disciplined and I haven't worked out enough to indulge. However, my learning to cope self has decided it's okay.

Now, eating donuts and drinking cappuccinos without regard is only good for a season so I couldn't do this the rest of my life. But, during this particular season, my heart is telling me to cut myself some slack and I'm listening to my heart a little more than my mind which is a huge change for me.

Another change for me is knowing and respecting my limitations. There are times that I leave a baby shower a little early. There are times that I strategically exit conversations about birthing stories. There are times that I get overwhelmed with emotion and go to the bathroom to cry. These are absolutely necessary for me to cope with where I am.

Along with those times that I have to guard against "baby void overload," there are also beautiful love notes from God that help soothe my aching heart. There are times I get letters and drawings from my nephews and it brings me to happy, satisfying tears. There are times my friends let me pick up their children from the nursery after church and their sweet little smiles bring me so much joy. There are times a little one picks me out of group to love on and I feel so special.

I’ve become more aware of how I’m feeling when I’m in a situation and, for the most part, I allow myself to fully feel it. This doesn’t give me a pass to be an emotional basket case or require others to tiptoe around me. I want my friends and family to be themselves. I want them tell me cute stories about their kids. I want to be invited to birthday parties and baby showers. I want to live life as it is but not stuff everything that I’m really going through on the inside.

So, I’m just living life and that might look like a lot of different things at different times but that is what tells me I’ve grown in the coping department. My former coping scenario looked a lot like this – Smile, keep moving and you’ll get through this. Now it’s more like – Smile if you can but cry if you need to, keep moving if you can but stop to regroup if you need to and you’ll get through this but enjoy life as it is now.

This change in my thinking hasn’t come simply through my own doing; God is teaching me. I'm trying to lean on Him for wisdom and let His grace carry me through this season. He lovingly sends me reminder after reminder that I’m not alone. Without Him, there would be no coping because there would be no hope.

If Ever I Saw Your Face

You saw the broken road before I did
You knew the heartache the was to come
You were always everything I needed
Giving me the strength to carry on

No this is not what I planned on

But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face

It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You've always been here for me
You've never walked away
You've never walked away

Now You're raising beauty from these ashes

And You're using my life to speak
So as I push through my fears and all this asking
I know You're guiding me

No this is not what I intended
But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face
It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You'll always be here for me
You'll never walk away
You'll never walk away

Though this path isn't always clear

I'm trusting in Your plan
I know You will draw me near
And hold me safely in Your hands

No this is not what I prayed for

But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face

It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You've always been here for me
You've never walked away
You'll always be here for me
You'll never walk away
You'll never walk away