Our desire to have a baby is two-fold. If I
can get pregnant, we will have a biological baby AND the endometriosis will go
into remission. Honestly, I can't even allow myself to mentally go there too
long because I don't need any more craziness on this emotional rollercoaster.
With that in mind, there is a flipside. If
I can't get pregnant, we will not have a biological baby AND the endometriosis
will continue to grow thus a total hysterectomy will be needed. I have allowed myself to mentally go there
because I have to. That may sound pessimistic but I can promise you, I’m a
highly optimistic person (unrealistically so, at times) but I know I cannot run
from dealing with this possibility.
Each day I live with this physical pain,
it's a reminder that my body is flawed, I will possibly not conceive a child
and my reproductive organs will have to be taken out. These days without
answers start to add up leaving months of deferred hope in their dust.
Yes, my hope is still in God. But, at what
point do I let go of this particular hope so my heart can get better? If I stay
in this cycle, my heart will stay sick.
Would you agree to be in prayer that the
Lord would give me direction and wisdom? Right now, I'm scared when I think
about having a hysterectomy. I'm overwhelmed with the thought of having surgery
again. I desperately want to hear God’s voice so I can take the right steps
at the right time. I know, I know – He will not leave me hanging. However,
sometimes we just need an extra “oomph” of reassurance and that’s what I need today, more than
anything.
Praying with you, friend and I can relate 100%. I've concluded a baby isn't in the cards for Steve and I. I still mourn that. I told my therapist that while I'm coming to grips with some of our decisions, I'm not sure when I will stop mourning the maternal loss that I feel. I am also faced with deciding on the next steps with my endometriosis as well. It's a horrible reminder of the decisions we face and the dreams we may not see fulfilled. I will pray with you, both. May you feel a perfect peace as you face these trying times -- but know that you are loved and not alone. HUGS!!!
ReplyDeleteKelly, thank you so much for sharing. I know you truly understand. I have thought of you often as I've journeyed down this road. While I don't have answers, I know God is doing something through this. I appreciate your love and prayers. Love you my dear friend and I'll be praying for you as well.
DeleteYour heart's desire - I will pray for God's direction in those desires. You may not feel like it, but you are an encouragement and a strong example of living out a daily walk of faith through it all.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Debby. I am so grateful for your friendship. Love you!
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