I needed to remember I need him

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. I had been trying to haul this load around, but I didn't realize it until I was on a phone call at work. (Side note: If this has ever happened to you, you know work is a really “great” place to have a breakdown.)

It hit me all at once: surgery, cost of surgery, the future, our dreams, will I ever be healed, children – everything all jumbled around with emotions attached to each thought. As I became aware of my tears trying to break through, I called Dave and explained what I was feeling. He said two keys things:

"God healed you of a lot of deep hurt and pain that we didn’t have to work through in our marriage so this physical need is just what we have to bear."

 

"This is not that big in the scheme of how big our God is."

As the tears flowed, release and relief came. I needed that reminder to renew my hope for tomorrow. I needed to think about how much God has already done and his limitless ability to take care of me. More than anything, I needed to remember I need him.

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. This time, I realized my great need for him and I reached out. He took my hand and placed my burden upon his shoulders. What rest that brought my heart and mind.

Later that day, I figured out that I had my "awesome" breakdown at work because I hadn't been allowing myself time to process my emotions and I wasn't allowing God to help me deal with everything. How many times must I learn this lesson of not trying to be so strong? I don’t know. I can say that God does not walk away when I'm trying to do life in my own strength – he sticks around like no other and is always faithful to answer when I do finally ask for help.

 

Lord, let me not forget,

not take another step
without your strength
without your rest.

God spoke to me during a Super Bowl party

The game was almost over and it had been a fun, relaxing evening. However, in the back of my mind, I was exhausted from trying to figure EVERYthing out ALL of the time.

I have been fighting Stage 4 Endometriosis (Endo) for several years. It is a nasty disease that can warp the reproductive system, render a woman immobile due to the pain and even lead to infertility. Between my diagnosis in 2009 and today, I have had three surgeries to "clean me up." In that time, I have also been trying to fight this disease with every piece of knowledge I could find. I have spent hours researching and reading about Endo and any possible way to control it or, better yet, cure it.

The main theme I found was a very restricted diet: no caffeine, red meat, sugar, eggs, dairy or wheat. I had already eliminated dairy as I am lactose intolerant so I cut out caffeine. Sadly, I ended up having surgery within a year and a half. Next, I greatly reduced red meat, eggs and sugar but had another surgery just a year and two months later. Since then, I've tried to cut out wheat but here I sit having that familiar pain and discomfort.

Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I doing everything that I learned to do? Mostly. Have I made mistakes in my restricted diet? Some. Is it really in my control to change the rate at which it grows back? No.

I had just recently been thinking about my diet pre-diagnosis. I had little dairy and just simply listened to my body. I didn't have all of these insane restrictions and I also wasn't feeling worse or better than I do today. I have been asking God to help me not to overthink this matter but I hadn't been successful because I felt like I needed a solid answer.

Enters Dianne, my wonderful mother-in-law. As the last few minutes of the game played out, we sat in our comfy oversized chair and right away our conversation somehow (God-directed) quickly turned to my mental struggle. Every word that came out of her mouth was an answer to prayer. It was exactly what I was questioning.

As we sat there talking, I could feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders. Simple truth was breaking through all the confusion that had been filling up my mind. It all clicked: This was not in my power to control and God wants me to let Him take care of it.

As soon as everyone left, I took out my journal and wrote everything down. It's key for me to do this so I can go back to it and remind myself that God brought me peace through these answers. While I cannot share everything we talked about because some is very personal, I can share a few things:

*Just be me – pre-diagnosis Christy.

*Renew my mind with life-giving scriptures like 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."
*Allow God to handle this and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom.

I've applied these simple truths to other areas in my life yet my hyper sense of responsibility led me to think I should do/try all I can in this one area, but that's just not true. This is not my responsibility – it is God’s. All I can do is consistently take care of myself and trust God. That’s it.

I’ll never forget Super Bowl 2013 – God cares so much about me that He spoke to me during the final minutes of the biggest football game of the year. He’s a pretty amazing Father to do that.

He was sure of me

The more I get to know Dave, the more I see what a beautiful and meaningful act it was for him to tell me he loved me.

We’ve been married for three years and I’ve learned a lot about his decision making process. If we're making a major purchase, he researches it for months. Big decisions are made after much prayer, thought and analysis. He's a careful person – careful to choose the right steps and careful to move at the right time. I now know Dave saying "I love you" held so much more meaning than three words could possibly convey.

Four years ago on Christmas day, he took me to a special place on his parent's land and he told me he loved me. Before he was certain I would reciprocate, he made the decision to not only love me, but to express his love. He encouraged me to receive it without feeling that I had to respond. He allowed me to take his love in without any conditions. He was sure of me and he wanted me to know it.

That moment was powerful for me. And, over time, that moment has become more than a sweet memory. It has become a strong foundation that I lean upon when life gets rough. It has become a simple but elevating equation to recalibrate my perspective:

knowing how Dave's brain operates + his decision to love me = an overwhelming gratefulness for his love

From this gratefulness, I find a deeper understanding of God's love. Just as Dave offered his love to me before I uttered a word of my love for him, God was sure of me before I ever even knew of Him.

Thankfully and unbelievably, God's sureness of me doesn’t change. He is sure of me now with all of my flaws and mistakes. He is sure of me tomorrow and all that it may bring.

1 John 4:10, 19

¹⁰ This is real love...that He loved us and sent His son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
¹⁹We love each other because He loved us first.

These are the things I would say to you

I have been thinking of my family - my dad, mom(s), brothers and my sister a lot today. Thinking of what one thing I would say to them if I had them here with me...

If I knew you'd believe me
allow my words to take root.
If I knew you'd hear me
really see the truth.

Mom: You make my world a better place with your unconditional love and support.
Dad: You inspire me to be more positive and thankful for what I have.
Cathie: Your creativity reminds me of life's endless possibilities.
Jamy: You have so much to offer, I miss you and I want us to be closer.
Scott: You've become more than my brother - you're my friend, protector and comic relief.
Lisa: You're beautiful, I know I can always count on you and I love you exactly as you are.
Jarod: Your laugh is contagious and I know you will find the right path.

I love you all and I wouldn't choose any other person to take the place you hold in my life. These are the things I would say to you.

I'll never outgrow my mom's love

On Friday, my mom said she had mailed me a birthday package. From that moment on, I was filled with expectancy and excitement. I checked Saturday - no. I checked Monday - no. I checked last night - YES!
 

Before I tell you about the contents of my package, let me just fill you in on my mom. She is the queen of making others feel special and loved. She's the ultimate gift-giver because she puts a lot of thought into what you would really like. And, so often she'll get you something you've wanted but you've never told her. It's freaky but awesome. If my mom has ever given you something, you know what I mean.
 

Growing up, I loved the anticipation of certain holidays. "What will Mom give us this year?" Through Easter baskets filled with fun goodies, Christmas stockings plump with surprises and homemade birthday cards, my mom gave us the gift of thoughtfulness and love.

 

Okay, back to present day... I got home last night to find THE package on my back deck.
 

I started squealing since I knew it was the birthday package from my mom. Dave was just looking at me as I entered the house taking off my shoes and coat, giving him a kiss and hug with a huge smile and a high-pitched "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" coming out of my mouth. I barely got out "My package is here!" and then back to "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He said, "Oh." He knows how I am. He knows how my mom is. He just knows.
 

I walked to the back door, picked up the box and brought it inside to the table. (Continuation of "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!") Dave pointed out that I needed to open it at a specific end. So, I did. What happened next? MUSIC!
 

My mom had rigged a musical birthday card to play as soon as I opened it. Now, who does that? MY MOM does. :-) As birthday tunes filled the air, I pulled out the birthday bag which had a high-heel shoe on it - TOTALLY me. What was in the bag, you ask?...
 

I pulled out my birthday card. It brought tears to my eyes and reinforced all of the love and encouragement she's given throughout my life. If you know me, expression in the written word means a lot.
 

On to the gifts: I pulled out a super cute black jacket/vest that is trending right now. How did she even know I was thinking of buying one? She didn't, but she somehow gets it right every time.
 

Next, I pulled out a gorgeous metallic necklace which I have been trying to find for a couple of months. HOW DOES SHE KNOW when I haven't even told her?
 

Then, I pulled out a beaded chain for my reading glasses. She did know I wanted this but it's perfect and I love that I didn't have to pick it out myself. My mom seems to always come through on items that I over-contemplate (i.e. purses, jackets, etc.).
 

Last, I pulled out the most adorable little cappuccino cup that is also a candle. It smells like coffee and I love that it's so petite.

 

 

My mom rocks the free world when it comes to giving gifts. Not because she spends a lot of money (because she doesn't) - it's because she gives with a level of thoughtfulness that only comes through a generous and loving heart. She holds her hands open ready to give. You can ask anyone that knows her; they will tell you the same thing. Wouldn't it be great if we all had that kind of reputation?
 

I love you, Mom, and I'll never outgrow your love.

Clint Eastwood is like comfort food to me

With Clint Eastwood's new movie Trouble with the Curve coming out, I can't help but think of all of my childhood memories and long for the times when it seemed like life was simpler. It probably really wasn't as carefree as I remember, but time has a way of fogging the windows of memory.

Who knew that growing up watching Eastwood movies would not only seal my complete adoration for a man I'll never meet, but it would also conjure up the most wonderful comfort at the sight of him or his movies? My dad loved his movies and my mom loved him, so he was a frequent visitor in our living room.

I think of times when my whole family would be laughing until we were crying while watching Every Which Way But Loose. Everything was right in the world. Those movies brought us together and that is something I can now see and appreciate for what it truly was.

My favorite Eastwood movies:  Pale Rider, the aforementioned Every Which Way But Loose, Dirty Harry, Outlaw Josey Wales, Heartbreak Ridge and Absolute Power. I do have a feeling I will be adding Trouble with the Curve to my list.

Words of wisdom from Dirty Harry:
"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum - the most powerful hand gun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question--Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk!"

You're worth it

Recently my dad and stepmom surprised me with a visit. Between my dad and Dave, they planned the whole thing and had the timing for us to be at the same place at the time when they pulled into town. What an exciting moment that was!!!

When I jumped out of our truck to give my dad a hug, the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted you to know you're worth it." On the drive back to our house, I sobbed tears of joy, healing and gratefulness.

You have to understand that I have lived in Springfield for four years and they hadn't ever made it this way. I got married and circumstances prevented them from coming to the wedding. I graduated from college and they were unable to attend the graduation. So, this was more than just a visit to me, it was a huge love note from my dad.

We spent the weekend chatting on our deck, sipping coffee, my dad even went to the Skinny Improv with us and our closest friends, I was able to cook and bake for them, we spent real time together – I was able to share "my world" with them. We made some wonderful memories that I will not forget.

Me & Daddeo @ the Skinny Improv

Never underestimate the power of a father's love, the genuine interest a father shows in his child, the care a father gives when he sees a need. My dad did more than come visit me; he filled a place in my heart that is reserved for him.

And, I would be completely ridiculous if I didn't thank the driver who made the trip possible – my stepmom, Cathie! I cannot thank her enough for what she did.