5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

This month marks four years since my hysterectomy. I've been settling some thoughts in my heart and want to share them.

5 Common Misconceptions About Women Who Can't Have Children [Me]

1] When I hold your babies or play with your children, I wish they were mine. Your children are precious and I enjoy them, but it doesn’t cross my mind. The closest thought I have is I wonder what our child would have been like? Thank you to all of our friends and family who share your sweet kiddos with us!

2] I avoid Mother’s Day services because I cannot handle it. That might be the case for some but I steer clear for your sake. I don’t want others to have to worry about consoling me. Instead, we go to Silver Dollar City where no one knows and we just have fun.

3] I have a hole in my heart and feel my life is incomplete. While it takes time to heal from the disappointment [maybe forever], my heart is whole and my life is full. There’s not a day that I wake up and think something is missing. I’m grateful to God for that.
4] Fostering or adoption is the next step. Not always and that’s okay. We know these are huge, life-changing decisions built around following God’s plan for us. We still don’t know what is ahead of us but it can, and likely will, look different from anyone else we know.
5] I feel like less of a woman. This is another area where God has graciously protected me. My identity and self-worth are not tied to reproduction. I may not be able to share in the birthing or breastfeeding conversations, but I’m still a woman with a lot of other conversations yearning to be had.

I share these pieces of my heart to let you know I'm okay. Even though it still hurts, at times, I'm happy and look forward to the future. I look forward to seeing God's plans for us continually unfold, as we trust Him. I look forward to Him using our story to help others.

I saw my husband before I knew he existed

A few months ago, our small group talked about how God speaks to us through visions and dreams. I was reminded of my most memorable vision.

It was the summer before I moved to Springfield. I was in a worship service with my eyes closed when I saw a dim glimpse of a man. I only saw features - blue eyes, blonde hair with a little curl to it and a big smile.

I felt God speak to me, "This is the man I have for you. He will love and appreciate the things that I have placed inside you, not just your outward beauty. He is smiling because he is happy but also because He loves Me."

I knew it was a vision from God. I knew it was a piece of hope to my heart. I knew it was direction for the future.

I moved to Springfield a few weeks later. I met Dave on a Sunday night at Central Assembly of God. However, I didn't connect the vision to him. I truly believe God blocked it from my memory so I would not overthink building a foundational friendship with Dave.

A couple of months later, I was standing in my bedroom and the vision came back to me. I looked up at God and said, "Is this him? Really? This soon?"

I called my mom and my brother asking them what I asked God. They both said the exact same thing, "Why not? You've been faithful to God."

God speaks to us every single day in so many different ways. Be listening. Be watching. Be expecting

Colors of Love

Written for Dave, in honor or our sixth wedding anniversary.

When Truth Has No Voice

A sea of whispers

melts down my back

searing scars form

clear waters become black.

Rearranging words, exchanging stories.

Lies linger longer

when truth has no voice.

A sea of tears

melts down my face

writhing scars scream

the depth of my disgrace.

Rearranging words, exchanging stories.

Lies linger longer

when truth has no voice.

A sea of peace

melts into my soul

healing scars remind

truth will be known.

The lie that I can handle it [alone]

A couple of weeks ago I decided I would buy some peanut butter. I hadn't bought any in about a year because I found out I have a slight allergy to peanuts (all legumes). It makes my tongue itchy, tingly and gives me sores almost instantly.

Well, I decided I was doing so well that I could handle it. So, I bought a big jar for $4 compared to the little jar of almond butter for $7. I told myself that I was saving money and it was going to be fine. It wasn't. I made a huge peanut butter sandwich with banana slices. I thoroughly enjoyed it…for about two minutes. Then came the itchy tongue. Then the tingly tongue. Then the sore on the tip of my tongue.

I was frustrated that I couldn't just eat something I have eaten my whole life but I was more frustrated with myself. My track record told me what would happen but since I hadn’t had any issues, I just thought I could start eating peanut butter again. Wrong. I wasn’t having issues because I wasn't eating peanut butter – DUH! :-)

I started to think about how often I subconsciously believe the lie that I can handle it [alone]. It = any part of my life that I try to do in my own strength. I do well and my reliance on God starts dropping off. I don't notice right away but then there's a moment when I realize how very, very tired I am – just flat out weary from running on my human, exhaustible strength.

The truth is I can't handle life alone and I'm not made to handle it alone. Whether it’s thoughts, planning the future, showing love to others, eating healthy, exercising, working – WHATEVER "it" may be – I'm not built to do life without Christ's strength. Why? Because I am weak. And, in my surrendered weakness, His strength is perfect.

If I’m not relying on the Lord, I'm not making room for Him to work in my life.

If I’m not making room for Him to work in my life, I’m doing life alone.

If I’m doing life alone, I'm not fully surrendered to Christ.

It seems harsh, but it's true. At the heart of my relationship with Jesus, is giving Him my weak moments, my strong moments and everything in between. It must be continuous dependence on Him or else I'll lose myself in myself. I don't want that. Besides, there's so much more peace, rest and joy when I rely on Him and not myself.

Here are a few verses that remind me where to find my strength and how God honors a dependence on Him:

Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. 1 Chronicles 16:11

Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; His understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might He increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Corinthians 12:9

Sharing my story

I was honored to share my story at Hysterectomy.org for Hysterectomy Awareness Month. When pain finds purpose, there’s a level of comfort and assurance that also brings healing and hope. To read my story, visit the link below http://www.hysterectomy.org/christys-hysterectomy-story/ 

Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]

I load up all of my emotions and give them to Jesus. Sometimes I think I'm rid of them but end up taking them back, unpacking them and wearing them all over again.

I think, for the most part, it's a process. I wish I could always pack them up, give them to Jesus and never see them again. I love those rare times when they are gone for good, but that's just not what real life looks like because I'm human.

It's pretty wonderful how Jesus is always willing to carry my baggage. He lovingly takes it from me, even when it's the same stuff over and over. I never sense frustration or judgment. That's because He truly knows what it's like to live in our world.

While I’m not an outwardly emotional person, I am a thinker which can lead me through many thoughts and emotions that can easily drain the life out of me. What can I do to consistently give Jesus my emotional baggage, but also allow Him to change what my baggage looks like?

Be aware of what I'm carrying. I consider myself to be a "strong" person and I tend to bear burdens that Jesus didn't intend for me to carry – for myself or for others. It's important for me to evaluate what I'm carrying because I can easily find myself under a heaping load, trying to carry it all by myself.

I can’t carry all these people by myself! The load is far too heavy! Numbers 11:14

This scripture is when Moses was leading the people out of Egypt. He was weary from being the sole person in charge. His awareness of carrying the overwhelming load led to his vocalization to God for help. In that instant, God gave Him the wisdom to deal with the situation and relief came.

It is the same for me...when I finally see I’m carrying too much and ask God for help, He provides some form of an answer that brings relief. Routinely checking myself can save me a lot of wasted energy.

Hand it all over. The moment I recognize I'm dealing with emotions that only Jesus can touch or heal, I must surrender them to Him. It’s a place of total submission – no longer wanting to control and knowing I truly can’t control.

Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. I Peter 6:7

I love it when I see something I have never seen before. I’ve quoted the second part of this verse many times but what an impact the first has. Humbling myself under the mighty hand of God comes before casting all my cares on Him.

Why is that? Because that’s an act of surrender and it’s the only way I can fully surrender my cares. An amazing thing happens when I do this, I feel a peace and a lightness that allows me to rest in Him.

Realize I don't have to take it back, or at least not all of it. I don’t always see this when it’s happening because it usually happens over time, piece by piece I take back all of the junk. For me, this occurs in the mental realm and I’m learning to not only sift through my thoughts/emotions but also refuse the ones I identify as untruths.

For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. II Corinthians 10:4-6

God has given us weapons of warfare directly connected to our thoughts and this is confirmation that many of the biggest battles are within the mind. The only way to counter the attacks of lies from the enemy and self is to rely on God’s word – the absolute truth that breathes life and hope into weary despair.

I’m not always successful when it comes to using scripture to fight the mental battle of emotions, but when I do, there’s a shift in my spirit and my perspective becomes clearer. I begin to see things for what they truly are and stop holding on to baggage that just isn’t true or healthy – this is when I see the transformation take place and Jesus helps me redefine what I allow to stay.

Yes. Jesus is my emotional bellhop [and so much more]. If I left it at bellhop, what kind of relationship would that be? "Here, take my baggage. I'll tip you for a good job done but give it back to me in the same condition you found it." 

No. If I let Him, Jesus not only takes my baggage, but He helps me to release what I'm not meant to carry, to discard the things that hold me down and He sets me free from bondage. In Him, I find true freedom – freedom to live and be who He has called me to be. 

Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

No relationship can take the place of Jesus

Lately, I've been searching for deeper friendships.

I started a women's small group. It has been fun and I've gotten closer to some women, but the void in my heart is still there.

I have tried to get to know a few friends better. It has been successful on some fronts but the void in my heart is still there.

In my attempts to foster deeper friendships, I realized I was trying to fill a void that only Jesus can. His friendship is the only one that will truly satisfy my soul. Cultivating deeper relationships is a good thing, but no relationship can take the place of Jesus. Why is that?

No one can love like Jesus. His love is unconditional. I am already funny enough, smart enough and pretty enough for Jesus. Just as I am, He loves me like crazy. Through that unconditional love, He gave His life for me with no guarantee I would return His love. That's a love I really can't comprehend but I receive it because I need that kind of love.

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. John 15:13

No one can understand like Jesus. He gets me – every part of me. You see, I'm still hurting. I'm still grieving the loss of my womb. No person can truly understand what’s going on in my heart. As much as I try to explain or connect, no person can fill that place and heal me – only Jesus can.

This High Priest of ours understands our weaknesses, for He faced all of the same testings we do, yet He did not sin. So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive His mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most. Hebrews 4:15-16

No one can be there all time like Jesus. I cannot wear Jesus out. He is always ready and willing to spend time with me - anytime, anywhere. What a huge comfort to know I can call out to Him and He's never too tired to listen to me...He's never too busy to stop and sit with me. It blows my mind because I'm human with human capabilities. 

And be sure of this: I am will you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20

While my friendships play an important role in my life, they are not designed to take the place of Jesus. So, I breathe a sigh of relief and keep taking my heart to Jesus.

A bike, roses & new tennis shoes

What do they have in common? They are the real life places where love, romance and friendship flourish.

A bike. I've wanted a cruiser bike for a couple of years now and I finally got one last week for my birthday. Dave has been looking on Craigslist for the perfect one. He knew I wanted one with a retro look and a wide, comfy seat.

I’ve never met a man who listens the way he does. He picks up on the things that are important to me and makes them his priority. His love for me shines through and captures my heart again and again. Not that it’s not his for the taking, but he seldom allows it a chance to be anywhere else.

Roses. October 31 – some know it as Halloween. Some know it as a stressful day to get the kids all decked out in costumes. Some know it as just another day. I will forever know it as the anniversary of our first date. I don't expect Dave to remember, but he does. I definitely don't expect any romantic gestures because he is romantic all year long.

This year, however, he enamored me with a dozen roses and beautiful words. The roses were stunning and they made me feel really special, but it was his words that brought thankful tears to my eyes. He tells me God helps him to write the right stuff…and I believe that, but I also believe it’s in his desire to romance me that these ideas unfold.

The greatest part about those words is that I don’t need them to believe them. He already makes me feel that way and when I read the words, it’s like my heart says, “he lives this out each day.” So, while I soak up the flowers and words, it’s the daily actions that surround them to give them so much meaning.

New tennis shoes. I'm getting into my running groove again and I needed a new pair of tennis shoes. Dave spent Saturday morning helping me try on shoes and pick the perfect balance of cute and cushy. This meant multiple pairs of shoes and multiple stores. And, a little Chick-fil-A break in between. 

Shopping is not for the faint of heart and most guys, including Dave, don’t have a huge tolerance for it. But, our friendship is deep and it's out of that firm foundation we built years ago that he honors me by going with me, bringing me shoes and being a part of the process. Now, he certainly doesn’t go on every shopping excursion, but he knew I needed/wanted his input and that's when it really counts.

I love the quote, “love is friendship set on fire.” If I could add one little thing to that it would be, “love is friendship set on fire, fueled by romance.” I know it takes a lot more than those three things to make marriage work, but they sure make it fun. 

Perfect vessels in glass cases

While praying for a friend going through a rough season, God showed me a powerful illustration.

I saw a clear, glass case with a pristine ship inside of it. I then saw hands take it out and put it in stormy waters. I watched the ship as the waves beat upon it. Although it was being whipped by the wind and waves, it never capsized or fell apart.

I felt God say, "I've taken this perfect vessel out of its glass case so I can show the world My master craftsmanship. It is of no use to Me unless I take it out and show what it’s made of.”

Like my friend, many faithful followers of Christ go through unexpected storms in life. I don’t have the answers for this suffering, but I can say a few things that I know for sure:

A life surrendered to God is used to speak to others in their own storm. Living in a place of surrender brings about a true reliance on God and it’s that dependence on Him that carries us through the rough waters. Watching others faithfully walk through their storms encourages me to keep walking and challenges me to keep my heart in a place of surrender.

Serving God through the storm brings Him glory. By staying on the ship during the storm, we point to God as the ultimate shipbuilder. Even as the ship is being tossed around, God’s favor and protection surrounds us. God built the ship to withstand the storm so, if I can just stand firm, He’ll bring me through and it will glorify His name.

Faith is strengthened in preparation for the future. As God upholds the vessel, a deep trust is formed – a trust that no force on earth can shatter. This is the kind of heart posture God looks for in His servants and it is what will take us to the places and hearts He has prepared for us. Learning to live in that deep trust will always strengthen my faith and lead me to the next steps God has for me.

Perfect vessels in glass cases are pretty to look at, but they haven’t truly been used by the One who made them. They haven’t really seen or tasted life. They serve only to be admired for their appearance not their strength and endurance. 

It’s the scraped and scarred vessels who have faced the raging storms and survived that are the most beautiful. In their darkest hour, they courageously find strength and peace in the palm of their Master’s hand. That’s the kind of vessel I want to be. At the risk of never seeing the glass case until Heaven, I pray God continues to place me where He can use me…even if that be a stormy sea.

God doesn't waste pain

Photo by There Is Grace

I was privileged to guest post for my friend, Nancy, who is recovering from surgery. To read a piece of my story that many may not know, visit There Is Grace.

A rogue eyelash from Hades

Ever had a rogue eyelash? I had one for several years and didn't know it was the mystery thing I was constantly trying to get out of my eye.

I spent a lot of time searching for whatever was scratching my eye only to end up frustrated when I found nothing. It may sound silly but it was a huge nuisance that afflicted me daily.

This was the saga of my right eye until last year when I had the great idea of using my super-magnifying mirror at an angle. To my amazement, it was an eyelash growing towards my eye. I was so excited to finally have an answer.

I remembered hearing somewhere that eyelashes never grow back if you pluck them. I figured I had plenty of eyelashes and I was done with how this tiny eyelash messed with me. I confidently took my tweezers and plucked that baby. The relief was immediate and the freedom my eye felt was a confirmation of my decision.

Until this week, I had been free from that rogue eyelash from Hades. To my dismay it has grown back!! Someone out there is wrong...eyelashes do grow back. They grow back and they repeat the same offense. Not cool. Thankfully, I already have the answer and I have a date with my magnifying mirror to pluck it again.

My point, you ask? Dealing with a rogue eyelash can be a lot like dealing with life.

Sometimes the most natural reaction isn’t right. In my search for the source of my discomfort, I never thought it was my own eyelash growing towards my eye. It was natural to think it was something that had fallen in my eye and not that my own eye was causing the problem. When I evaluate situations to see what went wrong and I can’t say I start with myself first because, let’s face it, that’s not fun. I’m learning to kick pride out which means I have to force myself to look at me first. This isn’t a natural response; it’s actually quite painful. But, every single time I humble myself in this way, it brings such growth and peace.

Sometimes it just takes a different angle to truly see the situation. It wasn’t until I flipped the mirror sideways that the light shined on that eyelash. It wasn’t a one dimensional kind of situation and life’s situations aren’t either. There’s always more going on than what I can conceive and when I take the time to see all sides, I gain insight which brings understanding. Many times, understanding is the pathway to resolution – when I validate someone by acknowledging where they’re coming from, I see and deal with them through eyes of grace.

Sometimes the same issue has to be dealt with more than once (maybe repeatedly) but that doesn’t mean defeat. Dealing with my eyelash is symbolic of all the places I have to continually confront and uproot from my life. It may be a small matter that can easily be “plucked” once a year or it may be a huge matter that takes some serious thought, prayer and energy several times a year. It can be so discouraging to face the same thing over and over, but the key is to keep walking with consistency. If I remind myself I have battled this before and that I know how to win, I will win again. 

God told me to get over myself

Standing in the worship service, I was struggling to keep my thoughts at rest – thinking of how I felt frumpy in my outfit, my hair looking all crazy and…the list goes on. My mind was not focused on God because I was consumed with what I thought of myself and what others might be thinking of me.

In that moment, I felt God say, "Get over yourself. There is so much more going on if you would take your focus off yourself and place it on Me."

I was convicted. I asked God to forgive me. My mind became clear and my heart began to soar. Conviction led to repentance which led to such a freedom.

Not thinking about myself frees me to be who God has created me to be. The real me that isn’t concerned with what anyone else might think. The real me that is confident in my uniqueness. The real me that is free to be me.

Since I'm an introvert, I'm naturally extra self-aware. So, what do I do when I realize I need to get over myself?

Focus on God. Sounds simple, right? It takes intentional effort and discipline but it’s so necessary for me. Especially when I can sense that I'm over analyzing something I've done or said. The fastest way to nip it is to start thinking about all that I know to be true – God and His word. That’s where I renew my mind and begin to find peace in who He has made me to be. It’s like my mind is released from a prison where crazy fairies torturously rule. 

Focus on others. Once I’ve recalibrated my perspective from myself to God, I can see others with a clear lens. In fact, the plaguing self-magnifying glass is removed and I am freed to think of others. Thinking of others leads to praying for them which also leads to looking for a way to meet their needs. And, that’s so much more rewarding.

Focus on what matters. Focusing on God and others takes my eyes off the details that have no eternal bearing. I am reminded that the true heart of life is love, joy and peace which supersede the little details that can entangle my mind. Whew, what a relief! It’s a relief to release myself from the dead-end thoughts and mental exhaustion of what DOESN’T even matter. With that new-found energy and focus, I can contribute to what I know matters.

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that getting over myself is more than worth it. 

I used to be Michael Bublé's "Lost" girl

Last week I was listening to Pandora when “Lost” by Michael Bublé came on. I was reminded of the first time I ever heard it and how I was so taken with the lyrics. At that time, I felt like it was my life's story. I played it many times, seeing myself in the lines yearning for a different season.

Summer turned to winter

And the snow had turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognize the girl you are today

My sunny days had disappeared and all I could see was rain. I had been in a marriage that had scarred my heart by continuous deception and betrayal. I was living a life I never expected for myself.

The last verse of the song resonated in my heart: Baby, you’re not lost. I really wanted that to be true, but it just wasn't. I was so lost. Lost in my pain. Lost in my broken dreams. Lost in a hole that I wasn’t sure I’d come out of.

Over the next year, I felt released to walk away from that marriage. God began a work of emotional healing in me that only He could do. The deep parts of my heart were being restored and I was becoming whole again.

The process was difficult because it was a process not an event. It happened over time and the Lord used many people to encourage and help rebuild the broken places in my life. God had graciously given me a wonderful support group that walked with me as I started this new path alone.

When I moved to Springfield, I was still in that process of healing. A couple of months later I was in a service when I felt God show me that my heart was whole again. It was a beautiful moment of realization. I cried happy tears of complete wholeness for the first time in years.

I used to be that “lost” girl, but I'm not anymore. I thank God I'm not anymore. God redeems the lost – people, hearts, dreams – all of it. God restores the broken and makes it whole again.

Today, I face a different struggle but I face it with a whole heart and with my best friend. Dave loves me in a way I’ve never known before and it gives me courage, strength and joy for this unknown journey. That season of being lost was hard, but it makes where I am that much more incredible and I'm grateful for that.

What do you do when everyone's having babies around you?

Facebook is full of life announcements. Whether it's what someone ate for lunch, who they ran into at the mall or what color of toe nail polish they chose for the day – it’s all the latest and greatest news. That's one thing I love about Facebook because I enjoy feeling caught up with the everyday stuff of my FB friends.

Well, it seems most everyone is about to give birth or getting pregnant. I'm happy for all of them but it forces me to face my situation. It forces me to face my hurt and disappointment. It also forces me to ask God what He has in store for me.

When you've had a life-altering surgery that has removed your womb, it can be difficult to see pregnancy and birth announcements day after day. Not that I don’t feel sincere joy and happiness for those people, it's just that I am still hurting.

So, what do you do when everyone's having babies around you? I can only speak for myself but some days I cry. Some days I call Dave and tell him how hard it is to know God didn't allow me to conceive. Some days I tell God I still don’t understand.

But, then some days I sit in amazement of how blessed I am to be with my soul mate and that my life is complete. Some days I thank God for healing me through surgery so I don't have to live with the pain of Endometriosis. Some days I think about how BIG God is and how much GREATER His plans are.

I need to have those days of crying and questioning to truly process this grief. I need to ask God the tough questions – even if I don't get the answers, my heart needs to rid itself of them. I need to breathe those days in but also exhale them so they don't turn into a toxic mindset.

I also need to have those days when I see my many blessings and His hands at work in my life. I need to thank Him for everything – I could be in such a different place had it not been for His saving grace. I need to breathe those days in and exhale them to others walking a similar path.

I believe we aren't meant to get stuck in our pain, but I also believe we aren’t meant to hold our stories with a vice grip so that no one else can share in the faithfulness of God.

As an introvert, it can be hard for me to share what God is doing in my heart but it’s so important to allow others in so He can use my situation to encourage someone else.

Writing is free therapy that allows me to do both. It’s where I can find a home for my deepest thoughts and emotions while using it as an outlet for expression. I cannot just write to write – it has to be real and it has to mean something.

Which brings me back to where I am. I am living out this disappointment in front of the world (or so it seems). It’s not something I can hide from. I am in a vulnerable place but a place maybe someone else can relate to. 

So, I write and I share where I am. Where I truly am. Because, if I don’t share where I truly am, I’ll never truly connect with the soul of another. I'm not willing to risk that, not for a facade of perfection or a masked seclusion.

When God's plan A is my plan B [or plan Never]

Dave and I have been talking about where we are and how we envisioned life differently than what it actually is. At times, it is overwhelming and discouraging.

Please don't misunderstand me – we have so much to be thankful for, but there's still a level of disappointment to work through. It's in that disappointment that we have to accept this different route. We have been rerouted and we don’t even know what those directions look like nor the destination.

This got me thinking about what my response is when God's plan A is my plan B (or plan Never).

I know many people in situations they didn't plan for that have brought difficult challenges and heartache. Dear friends that have lost babies. Family members with special needs children. Loved ones with debilitating diseases. So much unplanned suffering.

As heavy as that weighs upon my heart, I cannot negate the fact that along with those times of suffering, comes a deeper experience of God’s love and a greater dependence on Him. 

How else can I know the warmth of God’s comfort unless I feel sorrow? How else can I know the power of God’s strength unless I am weak? How else can I know the firmness of God’s foundation unless mine is shaken?

In my darkest of times, I have found God to be closest to me. In my deepest despair, I have found God’s hand holding me. God uses these times to draw me into Him where I find true rest and peace.

So, what is my response when God’s plan A is not mine? Here’s my honest answer:

1.       Say it’s all going to work out.

2.       When I can’t see how it’s working out, have a pity party.

3.       Cry some more.

4.       Feel very lost.

5.       Begin to turn my heart and mind to God to gain His perspective.

6.       Feel trust and faith build as I sense He’s in control.

7.       Rest in knowing it’s already taken care of so I just keep walking where I can see He’s leading me.

8.       Probably repeat 1-7 a few times until it sinks DEEP into my core.

9.       When I’ve come through the other side – celebrate and share my experience to help someone else.

I realize this process is different for everyone, but I think the key is not getting stuck in the early steps for too long. I keep moving towards God, even if that means I have to go around the block a few extra times to get that He’s for me not against me.

Our plan A was to have biological children. Our plan A was for me to not have a hysterectomy. Against our very will and prayers, that has not happened. What does that mean? God has another, better plan A that will blow ours away and fulfill God’s purpose. And, that’s what we want – completely – God’s plan and purpose in EVERY area of our lives even if it hurts right now.

Sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank

Ask me what I picture ahead in the future and I can’t give anything definitive. I’ve always been able to picture something (school, work, kids) but I can’t see anything right now.

Does this mean that I’m lost? It might seem that way but I believe sometimes God wants my canvas to be completely blank so He can paint the picture for me. I believe this is one of those times I will look back and see how much more beautiful this season of my life turns out simply because I let Him.

It's so tempting to just start doing something on that blank canvas because I have a need to see progress. In fact, my natural tendency is to plan out details of the future. My human mind likes to analyze and get it all figured out. To be honest, many times I’ve found myself ahead of God which ultimately wasted a lot of my mental and emotional energy.

I can only plan so far then I have to step away and trust.

That’s not always easy for a natural born planner (me!). But, I know this is a time God is asking me to take my hands off of the paintbrush and give it to Him. As hard as it is for my flesh, I do it and I will likely have to keep doing it many more times. That’s another natural tendency of mine – taking back something I’ve surrendered to God because I see how I could make it work or control the situation.

Again, it all comes back to a transfer of trust.

It’s letting go of my need to know and taking hold of the hand of the One who is truly in control and will lead me through the unknown future. There isn’t a better place to be. There isn’t a better guide to have. There isn’t a better artist to paint my blank canvas.

Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most

Sitting in my office thinking about life and all that has happened over the last few months, it's easy to get discouraged.  It's easy to let my thoughts and emotions run wild.

That's the most important time for me to turn to God. To tune out those thoughts, I need God's truth to overcome them. Focusing on Him and His presence quickly drowns out the cares of this world. Not that they don't still exist, but the power of God's presence puts them in their place.

My cares are at God's disposal and as His daughter; I can rest in knowing He will always show up in my life. That doesn't mean every situation will be turned around the way I want, but it does mean my heart and mind can be turned around to see HIM as author and finisher of my life.

I can't find what I need in doing more for God. I can't find what I need in making more plans for my life. I can't find what I need in another person. I can't find what I need listening to nothing but Christian music. I can't find what I need unless I spend time with the One who is everything I need.

The power of God's presence is greater than any earthly power I can conjure up. In His presence, I find wisdom, strength, joy, peace, comfort, direction, provision – I find everything I can’t do for myself.

The only place to find true rest is in God's presence. The only way to live in that rest is a continual, ongoing relationship with God. When I feel Him calling me to sit with Him awhile, may my answer be yes. Of all the things I say yes to, this one matters the most.

Finding ourselves in an unexpected place

Neither of us expected to find ourselves childless in our late 30s. Neither of us expected that I would endure several surgeries and procedures only to have it all culminate with a hysterectomy. So what do we do now that we are finding ourselves in an unexpected place?

With this completely unpaved road in front of us, it seems like we can and should do whatever we want! Maybe go on some crazy awesome vacations. Maybe move to Costa Rica and learn Spanish. Maybe move to Hawaii and surf the big waves.

All of that is exciting to think about and we will do some fun things, but we are not in this unexpected place by accident. If we truly believe God is sovereign, then we also believe He has plans for us even if it’s not what we thought.

We’ve been asking God what those plans are. We don’t have any concrete answers but we want to stay yielded to God. It would be easy to just do our own thing to satisfy our flesh but that’s such a fleeting satisfaction. We know that lasting satisfaction is only found in being a part of what’s eternal – God’s Kingdom.

So what do we think we know about our plans for the future? We’re going to keep hanging out with each other and having fun because we don’t want to miss out on now. Adoption is likely but we have no definite plans. We do see giving more of ourselves and serving in ways we never thought of before. Oh, yes, and some crazy awesome vacations. J

When I moved to Springfield, I had NO IDEA what my future held and I was definitely in an unexpected place – divorced, moving away from my family and friends, finishing my degree – starting a new life at 30. The driving force that helped me take the leap was God’s peace and direction. It was scary but exciting. It was painful to leave my family but I had God’s assurance He was leading me.

I am reminded of how much God has done in my life since that move. I met and married my best friend. Even when I met Dave at church on that Sunday night, I didn’t know God had just introduced me to my future husband. I could not have planned that or known the beautiful heart Dave has. Through knowing Dave, I have been blessed with an amazing group of friends that have loved me and accepted me from day one.

Those were not coincidences; they were love notes from my loving God. Just as God knew what was ahead of me then, He knows now. I can hold on to that hope and trust Him. If I continue to stay yielded to Him and His leading, I know I will look back on this time and see the miraculous.

I have nothing to prove to Jesus

Feeling understood is really important to me. When I don't feel understood, I try to think of ways to make others truly understand. When that doesn't work, it's frustrating but I just have to walk away knowing some things cannot be explained or understood.

With all that has gone on with my hysterectomy, there have been times I've felt misunderstood. There have been times I've felt like I have to prove I'm okay but I'm in a process that just takes time. Because of that, I've felt exhausted just thinking about telling people how I’m doing.

Physically, I still have a little swelling and tenderness. I get sore after sitting for too long because some muscles have been on vacation. I’m still in the process of gaining my energy back but I am feeling more like myself each week! It's wonderful to be on this side of things yet I still don't have a date that I know I'll be fully 100%. Am I ready to run a 5k? No. It takes months to completely heal after this surgery. I’m taking it easy and recovering the right way. On the outside, I look fine but my body isn't there yet and that’s okay.

Emotionally, I'm doing well. Specifically, I'd like to publicly answer the most asked question, “Are you depressed?” No, thank the Lord! I've spent a lot of time reflecting and praying and folks, I'm just plain old grieving. I’m still hurting but it’s a natural part of the process.

Before and after surgery, we prayed that God would keep me from emotional crazytown and He has. I continue to talk to God about how I'm feeling and ask Him to show me emotions I need to deal with but to not let me get stuck in a hole. He's been faithful to answer that prayer. I frequently talk to Dave and tell him how I'm feeling. We both have our moments but we continue to move forward, allowing each other time and grace to grieve.

The other day a good friend of ours called Dave to tell him that he and his wife know my hysterectomy wasn't an event that took care of everything and that it’s all over now. He made sure we know that they realize it's something we're still dealing with and they are still praying for us. My first thought was, “Thank you for getting it!!”

Not everyone does get it and I have to accept that. I have to accept it could be people I love dearly that mean well but think it's all or nothing – that I'm either totally fine or totally a wreck. One huge comfort is that Jesus always gets it. Always.

Through all of this, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove to Jesus. He knows. He knows my thoughts, my motives and my desires. He knows the depths of my heart. I don't have to explain to make Him understand. There are times I cannot utter the words and He's there to comfort me. There are times I tell Him "all about it" and I’m thankful it doesn't have to be a long conversation that leaves me feeling frustrated because I KNOW He understands. What other person in my life can I say that about? As much as others may try, they are still human. Jesus is the only one who can always understand me. And, that's why I want to keep pouring my heart out Him – so the one who knows me best can be at work in me.

During my time in prayer this week, I started with, "Lord, this hurts to know I'll never carry a baby…" but after many tears and confessions of raw emotions, I felt His loving arms around me and my prayer ended with, "Lord, I believe You will do something spectacular through this and You will use Dave and I to bring You glory." My heart swelled with faith and anticipation for what He is going to do. 

Although we're hurting, we're running to Jesus and we're seeing Him change our hearts in ways that could never have happened before. Through our brokenness, He is working in us. Yes, it's painful but it's beautiful and powerful because it's HIM not US.