I'll never outgrow my mom's love

On Friday, my mom said she had mailed me a birthday package. From that moment on, I was filled with expectancy and excitement. I checked Saturday - no. I checked Monday - no. I checked last night - YES!
 

Before I tell you about the contents of my package, let me just fill you in on my mom. She is the queen of making others feel special and loved. She's the ultimate gift-giver because she puts a lot of thought into what you would really like. And, so often she'll get you something you've wanted but you've never told her. It's freaky but awesome. If my mom has ever given you something, you know what I mean.
 

Growing up, I loved the anticipation of certain holidays. "What will Mom give us this year?" Through Easter baskets filled with fun goodies, Christmas stockings plump with surprises and homemade birthday cards, my mom gave us the gift of thoughtfulness and love.

 

Okay, back to present day... I got home last night to find THE package on my back deck.
 

I started squealing since I knew it was the birthday package from my mom. Dave was just looking at me as I entered the house taking off my shoes and coat, giving him a kiss and hug with a huge smile and a high-pitched "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" coming out of my mouth. I barely got out "My package is here!" and then back to "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" He said, "Oh." He knows how I am. He knows how my mom is. He just knows.
 

I walked to the back door, picked up the box and brought it inside to the table. (Continuation of "Eeeeeeeeeeeee!") Dave pointed out that I needed to open it at a specific end. So, I did. What happened next? MUSIC!
 

My mom had rigged a musical birthday card to play as soon as I opened it. Now, who does that? MY MOM does. :-) As birthday tunes filled the air, I pulled out the birthday bag which had a high-heel shoe on it - TOTALLY me. What was in the bag, you ask?...
 

I pulled out my birthday card. It brought tears to my eyes and reinforced all of the love and encouragement she's given throughout my life. If you know me, expression in the written word means a lot.
 

On to the gifts: I pulled out a super cute black jacket/vest that is trending right now. How did she even know I was thinking of buying one? She didn't, but she somehow gets it right every time.
 

Next, I pulled out a gorgeous metallic necklace which I have been trying to find for a couple of months. HOW DOES SHE KNOW when I haven't even told her?
 

Then, I pulled out a beaded chain for my reading glasses. She did know I wanted this but it's perfect and I love that I didn't have to pick it out myself. My mom seems to always come through on items that I over-contemplate (i.e. purses, jackets, etc.).
 

Last, I pulled out the most adorable little cappuccino cup that is also a candle. It smells like coffee and I love that it's so petite.

 

 

My mom rocks the free world when it comes to giving gifts. Not because she spends a lot of money (because she doesn't) - it's because she gives with a level of thoughtfulness that only comes through a generous and loving heart. She holds her hands open ready to give. You can ask anyone that knows her; they will tell you the same thing. Wouldn't it be great if we all had that kind of reputation?
 

I love you, Mom, and I'll never outgrow your love.

Clint Eastwood is like comfort food to me

With Clint Eastwood's new movie Trouble with the Curve coming out, I can't help but think of all of my childhood memories and long for the times when it seemed like life was simpler. It probably really wasn't as carefree as I remember, but time has a way of fogging the windows of memory.

Who knew that growing up watching Eastwood movies would not only seal my complete adoration for a man I'll never meet, but it would also conjure up the most wonderful comfort at the sight of him or his movies? My dad loved his movies and my mom loved him, so he was a frequent visitor in our living room.

I think of times when my whole family would be laughing until we were crying while watching Every Which Way But Loose. Everything was right in the world. Those movies brought us together and that is something I can now see and appreciate for what it truly was.

My favorite Eastwood movies:  Pale Rider, the aforementioned Every Which Way But Loose, Dirty Harry, Outlaw Josey Wales, Heartbreak Ridge and Absolute Power. I do have a feeling I will be adding Trouble with the Curve to my list.

Words of wisdom from Dirty Harry:
"I know what you're thinking. Did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth in all this excitement I've kinda lost track myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum - the most powerful hand gun in the world and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question--Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya punk!"

You're worth it

Recently my dad and stepmom surprised me with a visit. Between my dad and Dave, they planned the whole thing and had the timing for us to be at the same place at the time when they pulled into town. What an exciting moment that was!!!

When I jumped out of our truck to give my dad a hug, the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted you to know you're worth it." On the drive back to our house, I sobbed tears of joy, healing and gratefulness.

You have to understand that I have lived in Springfield for four years and they hadn't ever made it this way. I got married and circumstances prevented them from coming to the wedding. I graduated from college and they were unable to attend the graduation. So, this was more than just a visit to me, it was a huge love note from my dad.

We spent the weekend chatting on our deck, sipping coffee, my dad even went to the Skinny Improv with us and our closest friends, I was able to cook and bake for them, we spent real time together – I was able to share "my world" with them. We made some wonderful memories that I will not forget.

Me & Daddeo @ the Skinny Improv

Never underestimate the power of a father's love, the genuine interest a father shows in his child, the care a father gives when he sees a need. My dad did more than come visit me; he filled a place in my heart that is reserved for him.

And, I would be completely ridiculous if I didn't thank the driver who made the trip possible – my stepmom, Cathie! I cannot thank her enough for what she did. 

If it's not real, it will fade

Day one: I had just gotten a glorious airbrush tan. Walking around with my freshly bronzed skin, I felt like a sun goddess. It was so nice to finally have some color - halfway through summer and I had been longing for that glow.

Day two: I went swimming with some friends. Putting on a swimsuit was an exciting event because I had a tan and everyone knows that tanned cellulite looks much better than pasty cellulite. :-) I looked down at my arms and legs and sighed with contentment at my brown skin.

Day three: I noticed that being in the pool the day before made my tan start to disappear. Still, I had my summer glow so I planned to enjoy it while I could. I lathered on the cocoa butter to make sure my skin was staying moisturized. I went to a pool party feeling so good about being in a swimsuit yet again.

Day four: Sadness. I could really start to see my tan fading. Two consecutive nights of swimming had accelerated the demise of my beautiful airbrush tan. I had a little glow but it was fading. I just kept lathering that cocoa butter lotion!

Day five: My tan was almost gone - fading fast and there was not enough cocoa butter out there to keep it alive.

Day six: It's pretty much gone. All of that "feeling good" about myself is pretty much gone, too. Why did I tie my tan to my self esteem? I blame Victoria's Secret. :-)

Moral of the Story: If it's not real, it will fade. My airbrush tan was a temporary illusion that made me feel good about myself and there’s nothing wrong with that. But, how many times do we allow something counterfeit to make us feel better for a few minutes, hours or days only to end up in the same place we started? (In some cases worse.) And, how many times do we allow the swimming pool of life to tarnish our spirit? Probably more often than we’d like to admit.

I want to live a life that that is real, a life that will not fade while I'm here or after I'm gone. I want a "glow" that doesn't disappear after a couple of days of "swimming." That kind of glow comes from within - from the best part of me - Him.

We all go through trials, pain, disappointment - struggles that have the potential to erode the beauty that should be emanating. The only way to keep that from happening is to lather ourselves with God. Talk to Him. Spend time with Him. Allow Him to fill us up with the REAL, good stuff from His word.

Tip: If you want a glow that doesn't fade, ask the Holy Spirit - He's the best in the business.

Take Me Back

A little song I wrote...it keeps running through my head today.

Take Me Back

Oh Lord, 

please take me back

to the place

of child-like faith

 

Take me back

to where I was once was

when I

believed You

for anything

 

Oh Lord, 

take me back

please take me back

Notes from my heart

The other day I was driving and started singing my deepest thoughts and feelings. What came out was completely unexpected. I actually felt bad for saying it out loud. I won't go into the details, but to sum it up:

I have been disappointed by those closest to me.

I have been hurt by those that I hold dear.

I have felt forgotten by those whom I should feel the most important to.

It was then that I realized I was wounded. My heart had been hurting and I had been moving right along in an effort to not stop long enough to think about it. A coping mechanism I learned long ago - something I have been trying to unlearn for a few years.

I didn’t talk to anyone about this epiphany for a few days. Finally, when I felt it was time to disclose this self-discovery, I chose the most sound, unbiased person I know - my husband. He is able to see all sides of a situation and he will tell me if I am way off. I appreciate that about him.

I sat there in the car, thinking about why I felt so bad for feeling the way I did. I came to the conclusion that it's because I've taught myself that you aren't supposed to be mad at those you love. I know this is not true, but it's what I've engrained in myself and it's a hard thought process to break. Also, I have great empathy for others so I give them a lot of room for mistakes and flaws. I am not saying this is a good/bad thing, but I think I need to find a better balance. Also, I hate conflict. I would rather live with hurt than cause someone to be upset at me or think I am upset at them. Yeah, I have issues. :-)

Later on that evening, I was reminded of how Jesus has never disappointed me, hurt me, lied to me, forgotten me, neglected me, shunned me, ignored me, made me feel unimportant, left me alone - He has never let me down. Somehow, this brought me great comfort. I know I can always count on Him to visit me at my house, to be ready to spend time with me whenever I want, to invite me to hang out with Him, to love on me when I feel alone, to know exactly where I am and how I am feeling.

What an unbelievable relationship that is. I don't know how He can love us the way He does, fill in the holes of our lives so perfectly, care for us in a way that makes us feel so special - but He does. I don't deserve this relationship, but He's always there for me.

Through this, I realized I have more to express. A lot is going on in this girl. I need to let the notes from my heart out more often - that's how I heal and move on. That's how I reflect and grow in my relationship with Jesus. I know this may sound really strange to people, but it's a big part of who I am. A part of me that I allow to lie dormant too often. 

I lost it in Oklahoma and found it in Missouri

About four years ago, when I was taking off my earrings, one dropped out of my hands. I knelt down to find it, but it wasn't anywhere on the floor. Over the next few weeks, I checked the closet floor in hopes that I would find it. It was my favorite pair of stud earrings and I just couldn't stand the thought that I lost one in my own closet. It had to be somewhere.

Summer passed by and I didn't find it. Fall came and it was time for me make my move to Missouri. As I moved everything out of my closet, I looked around. When I vacuumed the closet one last time, I looked in every possible place...but never found it.

So, I moved to Missouri with only one earring. I kept it in hopes that I would still find the lost one. Sounds funny now, but I just couldn't give up. I moved all of my clothes into my new closet but no sign of my earring. To be honest, I wasn’t really thinking about it so when I stepped on something hard and it hurt my foot, I had no idea it would be my lost earring.

There it was. Sitting on the carpet. I lost it in Oklahoma and found it in Missouri. Seriously?! I rejoiced. I jumped up and down. I thanked God for sending me a little love note. He knew how much I liked those earrings. But, it wasn't just about something I liked. God taught me about hope and how something that appears lost may only be hidden for a season.

I've had my share of pain and heartache. There were times in my life that I thought I had lost the fun-loving girl I used to be. There were times in my life that I questioned what was happening to my life as it unfolded nothing like I thought it would. There were times in my life that I thought I had lost my dreams and didn't see how God would use me.

During those times of things "lost," God was still there. Though I felt I had lost parts of myself, what was dear to me, what I had envisioned for me life, God was still working in the unseen. He had it all in His capable hands. While I never gave up hope that He would sustain me and use my brokenness for His glory, I could not see the big picture of where my lost met His found.

With God, nothing is lost. He sees all, knows all and He cares about all. My tears weren't lost. My pain wasn't lost. My fears weren't lost. He was there in the darkest and most difficult times. The fun-loving girl He created me to be wasn't lost. The life I had envisioned wasn’t lost. The dreams He placed inside of me weren't lost. He was there, molding me into the person He could use.

Today, I stand on the other side of those times and I see how God took care of me. I see where His hand provided for me, guided my way and healed me. I also see where He has helped me find what I once thought was lost. Joy and laughter have returned. My life is so much richer than I had ever thought possible. My dreams are still coming to pass and He's giving me new ones.

Be encouraged. What may seem lost is still there - it may be hidden for a season and it may look a little different when you find it. When I found my earring, it sure shined brighter than it ever did before.

You Who Serve at Night

Recently I was recovering from surgery and had a lot of time to think, read, pray and become unbearably bored with daytime TV. During this time of recovery, I was bombarded with emotions, doubts, fears, hopes, dreams and everything in between. My mind tends to be a place of struggle. I needed to allow God in to help me win the battles that rage so I decided to take time each day to find some key verses that I could meditate on and rely on when I felt a mental storm brewing. One of those days, I came across these verses:

Psalm 134
Oh, praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord,
you who serve at night in the house of the Lord.
Lift up holy hands in prayer,and praise the Lord.
May the Lord, who made heaven and earth,
bless you from Jerusalem.

I had probably read it several times not seeing it the way I did this particular time. I felt like I was reading about myself. I have served the Lord since I was fifteen. My life has gone down some pretty tough roads and I've had some pretty dark nights. So, this verse is about me and it's probably about you, too.

When I look around my world, I see...A tired mother trying to provide for her children while their father is in prison. A broken-hearted husband holding out hope that his wife will come back to him and God will restore their marriage. A single woman trusting God to bring her a mate while her friends and family marry and move on. A man who feels trapped in his job but he's waiting on God to open the right door. A wife who feels alone in her parenting and household responsibilities. A father praying for his prodigal children to find their way back to God. A woman who desires a child but month after month, it hasn't happened yet. And so many more devoted Christians going through their own personal "night" while they faithfully serve the Lord.

These verses are meant to encourage us during the dark nights - to reach out to Him. What a beautiful picture of praise through pain. Healing through brokenness. Trust through the unknown. My own personal "night" looks a lot like this:

I will praise the Lord,
even through the dark nights of sickness and heartache will I serve Him.
I will lift up my hands in prayer and I will praise the Lord.
I will count on Him, the maker of heaven and earth,
to heal me, make me whole and full of His joy as I journey on.

You who serve at night, joy and peace are yours in His presence.

For my friend, who perseveres with Hope

One day
Not too far away
You will be free
Completely.

So near
His love denies fear
Capturing you
Making you new.

Secure
With vision so clear
Walking ahead
Hand in hand.

Constant
More than emotion
Joy abounding
Peace surrounding.

One day
Not too far away
You will be free
Completely.

Crisp

Reaching into my pocket
I pull out your heart
Crisp and cold
My icy fingers burn.

Handing it back to you
I know it isn't right
Soft and warm
My broken tongue lies still.

Red letters fall from my eyes
I watch them disappear
Frigid and alone
My forgotten love gone.

Dreaming of yesterday
I drift into that world
Crisp and cold
My icy fingers burn.

My Husband's Heart

After revealing my fears and hurt, my husband did his best to encourage me. I spent the rest of my lunch hour reminding myself of God's faithfulness and perfect timing. Still, I wasn't feeling complete peace. Then I got an email from him:

Babe I love you
Jesus bring Your peace to my wife’s heart
Please help her know Your peace continually in her mind
We give our desire for beautiful babies to You
We will continue to give it to You as oft as we need to
As oft as we need to
As oft as we need to we will run to Your arms
As husband I give You my desire to make everything “right”
As friend I give You my desire to heal with words
Only Your words heal

As I was reading, tears were flowing freely - with healing in each drop. To see his desire to love on me, encourage me, protect me, help me...be whatever I need, I was able to see through the stuff we've been facing and see my husband's heart - the beauty, humility and surrender to Jesus.

Thank you, babes, for loving me. Thank You, Lord, for bringing us together to walk this life alongside one another. Thank You, Lord, for always holding us close to Your heart - even though we need reminding.

My Version of the Daniel Fast

Our church is doing a Daniel Fast right now and pastor has asked everyone to think about something they can fast. I've decided to fast sugar in the form of baked goods, candy and drinks. It always seems easy at first. It even sounds alluring...maybe I will lose a vanity pound or conquer the sugar cravings. But then real life begins.

My flesh hits me in the face when I walk into the break room where coffee and creamer are calling my name. I start questioning if God really wants me to do this. I mean, I didn't really pray too much about it so maybe I shouldn't do it. In the afternoon, I see the left-over candy bars from a work event. What if I just have one bite-size snickers and start over tomorrow? God will understand. Right? It's interesting how soon we try to justify something when our flesh is weak yet in control.

I've done fine today but I can't say I am taking the opportunities to ask God to fill me and draw me closer to Him in those moments that I am abstaining. Isn't that part of the process - the whole idea? Why else am I doing this?

I think I've tried to make fasting convenient for my own life. I choose to fast sugar because it is a healthy choice. Should I fast TV? Nope - that would be highly inconvenient. Should I fast Facebook? Well, I did that once and it was hard. I think I remember having more time to do other things.

I am committed to my sugar fast, but I hope and pray there's an inner transformation to take place. More than anything, I want to know I am progressing on this journey and in my relationship with God. I can't say that I've seen much of that over the last year. I need more of Him and much less of me.

Lord, I ask You to help me seek You and draw close to You when I denying myself. I ask You to renew my spirit and help me to grow in You. I need You. I ask You for help. In the name of Jesus, amen.

New Life

I had been trying to nurse a peace lily into full bloom for a couple of years. I followed instructions for indirect sunlight and watered it once a week. No blooming. I waited patiently and sometimes not so patiently. No blooming. When I moved into another apartment, I brought it with me. When I moved to another state, I brought it with me.

I must mention that this particular peace lily was given to me after my cousin's funeral. He had tragically taken his life and it was a heartbreaking service. When it was offered to me, I questioned if I truly wanted it. It didn't represent peace to me and I wasn't even sure I could keep it alive. However, I saw the potential of what joy it could bring me and the challenge to nurture something so I adopted it for what I hoped it would become.

Three years later, on Easter morning, I walked into my living room to see it had a budding flower. I could not believe it! I was so excited I took a picture with my phone and sent it to my mom. Overjoyed, I stared at it with a sense of fulfillment.

As I sat there, I began to think about new life. God has called us to live this new life and He promises to be with us along the way. How many times has He taken care of me even though I wasn't "blooming" with beauty. I've had a bad attitude, I've held on to fears, I've allowed complacency to get between He and I - I've been a potted plant with no visible signs of bloom. Yet, He never gives up on me because He knows my potential for beauty. He sees beyond my stagnant growth.

New life is a promise. I pray that I share this promise with those who aren't showing the signs of bloom, with those who are in need of soulcare, with those who need it most. Lord, give me eyes to see through the rough, unkempt and fruitless exteriors.

Here I Stand

I never meant for my colors to bleed
I never meant for me to leave
But here I stand
Oh here I stand

Broken for the world to see
Lost inside and still searching
Here I stand
Oh here I stand

I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never thought this would be me somehow
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never through this would be me somehow
But here I stand
Oh here I stand

Grasping for my purpose
I need more than this surface
But here I stand
Here I stand

Sifting through my perfect mess
Nothing more that I want less
Here I stand
Oh here I stand

I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never thought this would be me somehow
I never thought I'd be here now
No, I never through this would be me somehow
But here I stand Oh here I stand


I'm not walkin' away
No, I'm not walkin' away
I'm not walkin' away
No, I'm not walkin' away

I never meant for my colors to bleed
I never meant for me to leave
But here I stand
Oh here I stand