Two Stones Dance Upon the Water

A poem I wrote for Dave in honor of our 4^th wedding anniversary.

 

He will bring beauty from my brokenness

The date has been set; I will have my reproductive organs removed on January 30.

There is a sadness in saying goodbye to the possibility of biological children. There is a relief in closing this chapter. There is a peace in knowing God is in control of what I cannot fix. There is a confidence that He will be with me. There is an excitement for what He will accomplish in our lives through this.



I know this sadness will ebb and flow as I process loss over this next month and again after surgery. Even though we feel as though we have been grieving, there will be a different level after the finality of it all. I ask for your prayers as we journey down this road of unknown emotions.

The relief is a huge comfort in closing this chapter of my life. It has been a physically painful and emotionally exhausting road for so many years. It helps to think of a life without that pain and a new kind of hope for the future. I ask that you pray specifically for a smooth surgery with no complications, that my doctor will find and remove every bit of Endometriosis, a quick and easy recovery, that my body would respond well to the surgical menopause that will begin after surgery, that my body will balance out with no other treatment needed, and that no Endometriosis would grow back.

The peace I feel is from God because there’s no explaining how I can have it going into this. I can feel Him cradling my heart reassuring me that He has this in His capable hands. I still don’t have “answers” but I do have Him and that’s all I need. I ask that you pray His peace would continue to sustain our hearts and minds.

My confidence is in Him, and I know He will go before me, stand with me, watch over me, BE with me, walk with me, and carry me through this whole thing. It’s strange to say, but I’ve never felt closer to Jesus than I do right now. It’s precious – His presence and His understanding of what it’s like to go through the undesirable. He knows. I ask that you pray we would find our security and strength in Him as we look to Him for what we need.

The excitement I feel is knowing, without a doubt, He has a plan in all of this and will use it for HIS glory and HIS purpose. How else could I be excited at this time? If He is in control and I have His peace, I can hold on to Him knowing He will bring beauty from my brokenness. Maybe I can’t see the entire work, but I can trust it’s going to be better than my mind can conceive. I ask that you pray we would keep our eyes on Him and our hearts surrendered to Him.

In the meantime, we’ll still pray for a miracle and rest in knowing HE HAS THIS – whether my healing miraculously comes tomorrow, comes through surgery, or awaits me in Heaven, I will trust Him regardless.

Words of confirmation and healing

God used my dad, stepmom and brother to speak words of confirmation and healing yesterday. I am going to try to articulate what happened but I feel it will be inadequate compared to what truly took place in my heart.

The first call of the day was to thank my dad and stepmom for the awesome Christmas card they sent us. It is a ginormous card that opens up to a scene of penguins snowboarding everywhere with a button to press for “Wipeout” music. I laughed thinking of Dad and Cathie picking it out together.

Cathie answered the phone and before it went very far, she asked how I was feeling. I hated to give her the bad news, but the last couple of days have been very rough with pain and soreness. I told her it was likely I’d be calling my doctor after Christmas to schedule surgery.

She immediately began to encourage me and remind me of God’s plan being bigger than ours. She said they supported my decision and that, no matter what, they want me to be healthy. Dad got on the phone and reiterated what she had said. It was a real conversation with no fluff or opinion of what I should do, which is what I need these days.

The second call was to my brother, Scott. He had called the night before but we had some friends over so I said I’d call him back in the morning. We talked for a few minutes and then he said he had called last night because we’d been on his heart and he’s been doing a lot of thinking which led to a lot of praying. He wanted to reassure us:

No matter what happens, I don’t think you’re giving up on God.

You and are Dave are faithful; having surgery doesn’t mean you don’t have faith.

Without a doubt, I believe you’re going to be great parents, however that comes.

He said a few other things that are too private to share, but I can say that only God knew what my heart needed to hear. It confirmed what I felt God had already been speaking to me and brought healing to hurting places.

To be completely honest, Dave and I just sat there crying as Scott spoke. It was a special time as we felt God’s presence wash over us. I am at a loss for words even trying to describe it now, but God poured out His love on us through the words of others. 

When I've done all I can do

God has been showing me how to be weak so He can be my strength. He is calling me to come to Him for all I need. He is asking me to put down my attempts to do life in my own strength.

I've been working on this song from God's point of view.

You don't have to be so strong

It's okay to be weak
You don't have to be so strong
Come to Me

Bring your burdens

Let Me hold you
Bring all your fears
Let Me comfort you

Rest your weary head

On My shoulders
Lean upon Me now
I am all you need

You don't have to be so strong

It's okay to be weak
You don't have to be so strong
Come to Me

My child, come to Me

When I've done all I can do, He can do His greatest work.

Days without answers, months of deferred hope

That is where I stand today. This familiar pain brings with it questions for God and hurt to work through. All I can do is pray for a miracle and trust God whatever the outcome is. If you’ve ever prayed to God for something miraculous while trying to surrender your own desires, you know how difficult this can be.

Our desire to have a baby is two-fold. If I can get pregnant, we will have a biological baby AND the endometriosis will go into remission. Honestly, I can't even allow myself to mentally go there too long because I don't need any more craziness on this emotional rollercoaster.

With that in mind, there is a flipside. If I can't get pregnant, we will not have a biological baby AND the endometriosis will continue to grow thus a total hysterectomy will be needed.  I have allowed myself to mentally go there because I have to. That may sound pessimistic but I can promise you, I’m a highly optimistic person (unrealistically so, at times) but I know I cannot run from dealing with this possibility.

Each day I live with this physical pain, it's a reminder that my body is flawed, I will possibly not conceive a child and my reproductive organs will have to be taken out. These days without answers start to add up leaving months of deferred hope in their dust.

Yes, my hope is still in God. But, at what point do I let go of this particular hope so my heart can get better? If I stay in this cycle, my heart will stay sick.

Would you agree to be in prayer that the Lord would give me direction and wisdom? Right now, I'm scared when I think about having a hysterectomy. I'm overwhelmed with the thought of having surgery again. I desperately want to hear God’s voice so I can take the right steps at the right time. I know, I know – He will not leave me hanging. However, sometimes we just need an extra “oomph” of reassurance and that’s what I need today, more than anything.

She would take my place if she could

When my mom said she would take my place if she could, it gripped my heart. I know my mom is selfless and would do anything for her children, but hearing her say those words brought a deeper realization of her love for me.

Sometimes we need to know someone would take our place. Sometimes we need to hear the words.  I am facing the likelihood of a full hysterectomy in the coming months so THIS is one of those times.

The moment my mom took my hand and told me she wished she could take my place on the operating table will forever be etched in my mind. With tears streaming down her face, such love exuded from her. The sincere sympathy for my pain and the desire to walk this part of my path for me did more than give me “warm fuzzies.” It has changed the way I see a mother’s love and, in that, God’s love for me as my heavenly Father.

As I thought about God’s love for me, I was reminded there is someone that has already taken my place in the most important way. Jesus died so my soul could find freedom and my spirit an eternity with Him.

I close my eyes and I can see Jesus taking my hand, telling me that He has taken my place. He took my place on the cross and He will not leave my side for a second as I walk this road. What a powerful and sobering moment. I am humbled. I am grateful. I am encouraged.

Healing continues to pour over my heart as I work through fear, hurt and disappointment. God’s presence faithfully surrounds me when I feel as though this is beyond my strength (because it is!).

I will keep walking knowing He’s with me and, even though my mom cannot take my place, I know she wishes she could and somehow that brings my heart comfort.

Job questioned God

The book of Job is well-known for Job's faith being put to the test. His family died, he lost everything he owned, he was stricken with disease, and his closest friends berated him. Through all of this, Job did not sin against God, so I decided to take a closer look at his journey. I found five distinct phases that seemed to parallel with my own life.

This is not an attempt to compare myself to Job, but I can look to his life and his response to the pain and delusion he experienced. Job questioned God but he trusted through the darkest of times, he kept the communication open with God when he didn't understand and he found rest in knowing God was the author and finisher of his life.

Job has lost everything and everyone dear to him; he begins to question what he's done to bring this upon himself and then he goes right into asking God “What is going on?”

13 ²³ Tell me, what have I done wrong? Show me my rebellion and my sin.

²⁴ Why do you turn away from me? Why do you treat me as your enemy?

When something goes wrong, I usually try to figure out what I did to make it happen. When I find that I have no explanation, I go to God. Sometimes it's for comfort. Sometimes it's for strength. And, then there are those few times it's to ask "Why?" so I can understand. 

After not getting the answers to his questions and his situation not being any better, Job spirals into an abyss of hopeless brokenness.

17 ¹¹ My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken.

Most of the time, I don't need a concrete answer because I truly believe that God is sovereign and He is working out His plan. However, there are times that a situation draws out more questions and I dig deeper to find that I can still trust Him. With that deep search, comes a deep valley to walk (or crawl) through that takes my heart through the trenches of despair.

As Job continues to search his heart, he begins to process his grief by telling his friends off and keeping it real with God.

21 ⁴ “My complaint is with God, not with people. I have good reason to be so impatient.

⁵ Look at me and be stunned. Put your hand over your mouth in shock.
⁶ When I think about what I am saying, I shudder. My body trembles.
³⁴ “How can your empty clichés comfort me? All your explanations are lies!”

It's interesting that even the most well-meaning person can offer what they feel to be encouragement but it's really discouraging and, in some cases, completely wrong. In order for me stay surrendered to God, I've had to learn how to deal with my emotions and with other people's emotions. I've had to place my desires back in the melting pot to offer them to God for whatever He wants to shape them into. I've had to filter out other people's desires and systems for what they want or how they'd handle my situation. That hasn't been easy, but it's helped me cling to God and listen for His voice alone.

When Job realizes his place in God's plan, there is an undeniable change in his attitude – there's a sense of overwhelming peace with his surrender.

23 ¹⁰ “But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

¹¹ For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
¹² I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food.
¹³ But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind? Whatever he wants to do, he does.
¹⁴ So he will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny.
 

It's a beautiful and relieving feeling to remember who I am in the grand scheme. God is God and I am not. God is faithful. He is in control and I am not. God's ways are higher than mine, His thoughts are deeper than mine and I can trust His plan to be much better and much bigger than mine. Whew! Why do I waste so much time and energy trying to figure it all out when He clearly has it? Because… I'm human and He knows that.

 As the reader, I feel the freedom when Job completely relinquishes control of trying to figure out God.

 40 ³ Then Job replied to the Lord,

⁴ “I am nothing—how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand.
⁵ I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.”

When I live in that place of peace and surrender, there's calm trust that steadies my heart. I let go of the reigns and allow God to guide. I let go of my own ideas and allow God to work His plan. Letting go is the hardest part, but it's also the most freeing part.