He will bring beauty from my brokenness

The date has been set; I will have my reproductive organs removed on January 30.

There is a sadness in saying goodbye to the possibility of biological children. There is a relief in closing this chapter. There is a peace in knowing God is in control of what I cannot fix. There is a confidence that He will be with me. There is an excitement for what He will accomplish in our lives through this.



I know this sadness will ebb and flow as I process loss over this next month and again after surgery. Even though we feel as though we have been grieving, there will be a different level after the finality of it all. I ask for your prayers as we journey down this road of unknown emotions.

The relief is a huge comfort in closing this chapter of my life. It has been a physically painful and emotionally exhausting road for so many years. It helps to think of a life without that pain and a new kind of hope for the future. I ask that you pray specifically for a smooth surgery with no complications, that my doctor will find and remove every bit of Endometriosis, a quick and easy recovery, that my body would respond well to the surgical menopause that will begin after surgery, that my body will balance out with no other treatment needed, and that no Endometriosis would grow back.

The peace I feel is from God because there’s no explaining how I can have it going into this. I can feel Him cradling my heart reassuring me that He has this in His capable hands. I still don’t have “answers” but I do have Him and that’s all I need. I ask that you pray His peace would continue to sustain our hearts and minds.

My confidence is in Him, and I know He will go before me, stand with me, watch over me, BE with me, walk with me, and carry me through this whole thing. It’s strange to say, but I’ve never felt closer to Jesus than I do right now. It’s precious – His presence and His understanding of what it’s like to go through the undesirable. He knows. I ask that you pray we would find our security and strength in Him as we look to Him for what we need.

The excitement I feel is knowing, without a doubt, He has a plan in all of this and will use it for HIS glory and HIS purpose. How else could I be excited at this time? If He is in control and I have His peace, I can hold on to Him knowing He will bring beauty from my brokenness. Maybe I can’t see the entire work, but I can trust it’s going to be better than my mind can conceive. I ask that you pray we would keep our eyes on Him and our hearts surrendered to Him.

In the meantime, we’ll still pray for a miracle and rest in knowing HE HAS THIS – whether my healing miraculously comes tomorrow, comes through surgery, or awaits me in Heaven, I will trust Him regardless.

Words of confirmation and healing

God used my dad, stepmom and brother to speak words of confirmation and healing yesterday. I am going to try to articulate what happened but I feel it will be inadequate compared to what truly took place in my heart.

The first call of the day was to thank my dad and stepmom for the awesome Christmas card they sent us. It is a ginormous card that opens up to a scene of penguins snowboarding everywhere with a button to press for “Wipeout” music. I laughed thinking of Dad and Cathie picking it out together.

Cathie answered the phone and before it went very far, she asked how I was feeling. I hated to give her the bad news, but the last couple of days have been very rough with pain and soreness. I told her it was likely I’d be calling my doctor after Christmas to schedule surgery.

She immediately began to encourage me and remind me of God’s plan being bigger than ours. She said they supported my decision and that, no matter what, they want me to be healthy. Dad got on the phone and reiterated what she had said. It was a real conversation with no fluff or opinion of what I should do, which is what I need these days.

The second call was to my brother, Scott. He had called the night before but we had some friends over so I said I’d call him back in the morning. We talked for a few minutes and then he said he had called last night because we’d been on his heart and he’s been doing a lot of thinking which led to a lot of praying. He wanted to reassure us:

No matter what happens, I don’t think you’re giving up on God.

You and are Dave are faithful; having surgery doesn’t mean you don’t have faith.

Without a doubt, I believe you’re going to be great parents, however that comes.

He said a few other things that are too private to share, but I can say that only God knew what my heart needed to hear. It confirmed what I felt God had already been speaking to me and brought healing to hurting places.

To be completely honest, Dave and I just sat there crying as Scott spoke. It was a special time as we felt God’s presence wash over us. I am at a loss for words even trying to describe it now, but God poured out His love on us through the words of others. 

When I've done all I can do

God has been showing me how to be weak so He can be my strength. He is calling me to come to Him for all I need. He is asking me to put down my attempts to do life in my own strength.

I've been working on this song from God's point of view.

You don't have to be so strong

It's okay to be weak
You don't have to be so strong
Come to Me

Bring your burdens

Let Me hold you
Bring all your fears
Let Me comfort you

Rest your weary head

On My shoulders
Lean upon Me now
I am all you need

You don't have to be so strong

It's okay to be weak
You don't have to be so strong
Come to Me

My child, come to Me

When I've done all I can do, He can do His greatest work.

Days without answers, months of deferred hope

That is where I stand today. This familiar pain brings with it questions for God and hurt to work through. All I can do is pray for a miracle and trust God whatever the outcome is. If you’ve ever prayed to God for something miraculous while trying to surrender your own desires, you know how difficult this can be.

Our desire to have a baby is two-fold. If I can get pregnant, we will have a biological baby AND the endometriosis will go into remission. Honestly, I can't even allow myself to mentally go there too long because I don't need any more craziness on this emotional rollercoaster.

With that in mind, there is a flipside. If I can't get pregnant, we will not have a biological baby AND the endometriosis will continue to grow thus a total hysterectomy will be needed.  I have allowed myself to mentally go there because I have to. That may sound pessimistic but I can promise you, I’m a highly optimistic person (unrealistically so, at times) but I know I cannot run from dealing with this possibility.

Each day I live with this physical pain, it's a reminder that my body is flawed, I will possibly not conceive a child and my reproductive organs will have to be taken out. These days without answers start to add up leaving months of deferred hope in their dust.

Yes, my hope is still in God. But, at what point do I let go of this particular hope so my heart can get better? If I stay in this cycle, my heart will stay sick.

Would you agree to be in prayer that the Lord would give me direction and wisdom? Right now, I'm scared when I think about having a hysterectomy. I'm overwhelmed with the thought of having surgery again. I desperately want to hear God’s voice so I can take the right steps at the right time. I know, I know – He will not leave me hanging. However, sometimes we just need an extra “oomph” of reassurance and that’s what I need today, more than anything.

She would take my place if she could

When my mom said she would take my place if she could, it gripped my heart. I know my mom is selfless and would do anything for her children, but hearing her say those words brought a deeper realization of her love for me.

Sometimes we need to know someone would take our place. Sometimes we need to hear the words.  I am facing the likelihood of a full hysterectomy in the coming months so THIS is one of those times.

The moment my mom took my hand and told me she wished she could take my place on the operating table will forever be etched in my mind. With tears streaming down her face, such love exuded from her. The sincere sympathy for my pain and the desire to walk this part of my path for me did more than give me “warm fuzzies.” It has changed the way I see a mother’s love and, in that, God’s love for me as my heavenly Father.

As I thought about God’s love for me, I was reminded there is someone that has already taken my place in the most important way. Jesus died so my soul could find freedom and my spirit an eternity with Him.

I close my eyes and I can see Jesus taking my hand, telling me that He has taken my place. He took my place on the cross and He will not leave my side for a second as I walk this road. What a powerful and sobering moment. I am humbled. I am grateful. I am encouraged.

Healing continues to pour over my heart as I work through fear, hurt and disappointment. God’s presence faithfully surrounds me when I feel as though this is beyond my strength (because it is!).

I will keep walking knowing He’s with me and, even though my mom cannot take my place, I know she wishes she could and somehow that brings my heart comfort.

Job questioned God

The book of Job is well-known for Job's faith being put to the test. His family died, he lost everything he owned, he was stricken with disease, and his closest friends berated him. Through all of this, Job did not sin against God, so I decided to take a closer look at his journey. I found five distinct phases that seemed to parallel with my own life.

This is not an attempt to compare myself to Job, but I can look to his life and his response to the pain and delusion he experienced. Job questioned God but he trusted through the darkest of times, he kept the communication open with God when he didn't understand and he found rest in knowing God was the author and finisher of his life.

Job has lost everything and everyone dear to him; he begins to question what he's done to bring this upon himself and then he goes right into asking God “What is going on?”

13 ²³ Tell me, what have I done wrong? Show me my rebellion and my sin.

²⁴ Why do you turn away from me? Why do you treat me as your enemy?

When something goes wrong, I usually try to figure out what I did to make it happen. When I find that I have no explanation, I go to God. Sometimes it's for comfort. Sometimes it's for strength. And, then there are those few times it's to ask "Why?" so I can understand. 

After not getting the answers to his questions and his situation not being any better, Job spirals into an abyss of hopeless brokenness.

17 ¹¹ My days are over. My hopes have disappeared. My heart’s desires are broken.

Most of the time, I don't need a concrete answer because I truly believe that God is sovereign and He is working out His plan. However, there are times that a situation draws out more questions and I dig deeper to find that I can still trust Him. With that deep search, comes a deep valley to walk (or crawl) through that takes my heart through the trenches of despair.

As Job continues to search his heart, he begins to process his grief by telling his friends off and keeping it real with God.

21 ⁴ “My complaint is with God, not with people. I have good reason to be so impatient.

⁵ Look at me and be stunned. Put your hand over your mouth in shock.
⁶ When I think about what I am saying, I shudder. My body trembles.
³⁴ “How can your empty clichés comfort me? All your explanations are lies!”

It's interesting that even the most well-meaning person can offer what they feel to be encouragement but it's really discouraging and, in some cases, completely wrong. In order for me stay surrendered to God, I've had to learn how to deal with my emotions and with other people's emotions. I've had to place my desires back in the melting pot to offer them to God for whatever He wants to shape them into. I've had to filter out other people's desires and systems for what they want or how they'd handle my situation. That hasn't been easy, but it's helped me cling to God and listen for His voice alone.

When Job realizes his place in God's plan, there is an undeniable change in his attitude – there's a sense of overwhelming peace with his surrender.

23 ¹⁰ “But he knows where I am going. And when he tests me, I will come out as pure as gold.

¹¹ For I have stayed on God’s paths; I have followed his ways and not turned aside.
¹² I have not departed from his commands, but have treasured his words more than daily food.
¹³ But once he has made his decision, who can change his mind? Whatever he wants to do, he does.
¹⁴ So he will do to me whatever he has planned. He controls my destiny.
 

It's a beautiful and relieving feeling to remember who I am in the grand scheme. God is God and I am not. God is faithful. He is in control and I am not. God's ways are higher than mine, His thoughts are deeper than mine and I can trust His plan to be much better and much bigger than mine. Whew! Why do I waste so much time and energy trying to figure it all out when He clearly has it? Because… I'm human and He knows that.

 As the reader, I feel the freedom when Job completely relinquishes control of trying to figure out God.

 40 ³ Then Job replied to the Lord,

⁴ “I am nothing—how could I ever find the answers? I will cover my mouth with my hand.
⁵ I have said too much already. I have nothing more to say.”

When I live in that place of peace and surrender, there's calm trust that steadies my heart. I let go of the reigns and allow God to guide. I let go of my own ideas and allow God to work His plan. Letting go is the hardest part, but it's also the most freeing part.

Keeping it together [all the time] is overrated

After hearing my doctor confirm the Endo is growing back, I felt like crawling into a hole. I wanted to just have my breakdown in the office but I kept it together as she explained my few, not so good options. I kept it together as I squared away some billing issues. I kept it together as all of the pregnant women were checking in for their appointments. I kept it together in the elevator with a lady and her toddler.

I've always been really good at keeping it together, but I am slowly learning that I don't have to all the time. Hence my breakdown process from my drive back to work to now.

As soon as I got in my car, the tears were streaming. I grabbed my phone to call Dave. While the phone was ringing, I was asking God to help me. I told Him that He's the only one that can change this situation because I cannot. I have tried.

I did not keep it together when I talked to Dave. I told him, through much sobbing, “I know God is my father and I know He cares, but I don’t understand.” He prayed for me and my heart cried out to God again. I did not keep it together when I talked to my supervisor about my appointment. She asked if she could pray for me and I just received it because I needed to be weak. I did not keep it together when I told another co-worker about my appointment. She asked if she could give me a hug and I accepted the comfort because I needed it.

So, today I put on my usual strong face and kept it together when I wanted to crumble. BUT, I also cried.  I called my husband. I cried some more. I talked to others and welcomed their support.  Most importantly, I called out to God instead of just saying, “I’m okay because God is in control.” Instead of wrapping my hurt in clichés, I am asking God to wrap me in His unfailing love.  

This is one of those times I need His peace and I need Him to speak a fresh word that He's with me. I need to be reminded that, as I walk ahead into whatever outcome lies before me, He's going to work out the details. I know these things, but it's okay for me to need my Father to tell me again. And, I think God is okay with telling me again.

Waffles, sanchos & a hope chest

Last time I went to visit my mom; she made waffles for breakfast and her famous sanchos for dinner. It was like getting into a time machine and going back to my childhood. There's something amazing about how a certain food or smell can take you back to a sweet spot in your life. It's like being connected to those people and memories all over again.

 

The waffles were my grandma's recipe. She passed away about 19 years ago so I imagine it's a huge comfort to my mom every time she pulls out that recipe and brings those same ingredients together. As I watched my mom standing in her kitchen, I wondered if she was thinking of her mom and all the times she made these waffles.

The sanchos were my mom's invention. I believe she concocted this delicious meal out of her love for Mexican food and the necessity to feed a family of seven. As I was eating, I couldn't help but think of all the meals she prepared for us. We didn't know how much work went into feeding such a big family, and she never told us.

 

There was always so much love in everything my mom and grandma did for us. I think that’s because they both had a sincere love for life and those around them. It's inspiring and challenging. I want to be remembered for those kinds of qualities. I want those I love to look back on our memories and be surrounded by warmth.

Before we left, my mom offered me a hope chest she's had all these years. She wasn’t sure I'd want it because it has a little water damage. Let me just say, I love that chest for many reasons. The main reason is it was my mom's.  It's been a part of my memories for as long as I can remember. How could she even question if I'd want it? I don't know. Needless to say, I happily took it.

After I got home, I opened the chest and ran my fingers across it. I cannot explain the comfort and joy that I felt. It was like a cozy fire had been lit around my heart. I just stared inside the chest and pictured the different things I remember my mom had stored in it. I thought about what I would store in it. More importantly, I thought about how I’d have this piece of my mom near me.  

So what do waffles, sanchos and a hope chest have in common? They represent the gifts my mom gave me – a flood of memories that have made me who I am and remind me who I want to be. Waffles will always remind me to be kind and generous. Sanchos will always remind me to love and laugh. And, my hope chest will always remind me to treasure the past, enjoy today and have hope for the future.

I sometimes question my level of faith

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes question my level of faith. Do I have enough? By accepting what appears to be taking place in my life, am I giving up? Should/how do I believe for a miracle that may not be God's plan?

Yeah, tomorrow God could heal me and we could get pregnant but that's not what it looks like right now. Figuring out how to hope for something with a surrendered heart is HARD STUFF.

 

A couple of nights ago, Dave and I listened to a sermon by Stephen Kuert, An Atmosphere of Faith. We were challenged to examine our hearts and evaluate if we are cultivating an atmosphere of faith. A challenge we did need.

When going through a situation that only God can change, it's easy to pull back on faith. That's why it's important for me to continue to feed my spirit, to surround myself with those that believe with/for me, to focus on scriptures that swell with God's faithfulness and to keep regular communion with God.

After listening to the sermon, I had a lot of thoughts and a few tears. Has my faith decreased? I don't think so. Has my faith changed over the years? Yes, it has deepened. I have seen God perform miracles in my life and I have seen Him allow me to go through the undesired. Both have brought about wonderful blessings in ways I could not have foreseen. I would say my faith has evolved from a girl that believed God would do anything she asked to a woman that believes God will do what is best in His omniscient eyes.

 

For me, it comes back to where my faith truly is. I do believe God can perform any miracle, but my faith lies more strongly in the fact that God is sovereign and His will is best even if I don't understand. I trust that He will use my pain for His glory. I trust that He will use my brokenness for His purpose. I trust that He will bring beauty from my mess.

I also trust He will bring me joy in the morning. I trust He will carry me when I'm weak. I trust He will never leave me. I trust He will walk with me through the fire. I trust that He will work all things for my good. I trust that He is faithful to His word and He will not fail me.

As I think about my faith, I see that faith and trust are intertwined. If I believe, I can trust. If I trust, I can believe. And, that's where total peace is found. Peace that surpasses all understanding. Peace that reaches into my heart and calms the raging storm.

Hebrews 11:1 says, "Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

So, here's my personalization of this verse, "Faith is the confidence that my hope for God's perfect will in my life will actually happen; it gives me assurance about things I cannot see." 

Donuts and cappuccinos

I've asked God to help me start processing the possibility of having a full hysterectomy because I tend to power through my storms and then I deal with an aftermath of emotion once it's all over. Powering through is good for getting life done but it's not good for living life now. It's also not a healthy way to cope. 

Recently I noticed that I allow myself to eat donuts and drink cappuccinos a lot more than I used to. My normal self would say that's not very disciplined and I haven't worked out enough to indulge. However, my learning to cope self has decided it's okay.

Now, eating donuts and drinking cappuccinos without regard is only good for a season so I couldn't do this the rest of my life. But, during this particular season, my heart is telling me to cut myself some slack and I'm listening to my heart a little more than my mind which is a huge change for me.

Another change for me is knowing and respecting my limitations. There are times that I leave a baby shower a little early. There are times that I strategically exit conversations about birthing stories. There are times that I get overwhelmed with emotion and go to the bathroom to cry. These are absolutely necessary for me to cope with where I am.

Along with those times that I have to guard against "baby void overload," there are also beautiful love notes from God that help soothe my aching heart. There are times I get letters and drawings from my nephews and it brings me to happy, satisfying tears. There are times my friends let me pick up their children from the nursery after church and their sweet little smiles bring me so much joy. There are times a little one picks me out of group to love on and I feel so special.

I’ve become more aware of how I’m feeling when I’m in a situation and, for the most part, I allow myself to fully feel it. This doesn’t give me a pass to be an emotional basket case or require others to tiptoe around me. I want my friends and family to be themselves. I want them tell me cute stories about their kids. I want to be invited to birthday parties and baby showers. I want to live life as it is but not stuff everything that I’m really going through on the inside.

So, I’m just living life and that might look like a lot of different things at different times but that is what tells me I’ve grown in the coping department. My former coping scenario looked a lot like this – Smile, keep moving and you’ll get through this. Now it’s more like – Smile if you can but cry if you need to, keep moving if you can but stop to regroup if you need to and you’ll get through this but enjoy life as it is now.

This change in my thinking hasn’t come simply through my own doing; God is teaching me. I'm trying to lean on Him for wisdom and let His grace carry me through this season. He lovingly sends me reminder after reminder that I’m not alone. Without Him, there would be no coping because there would be no hope.

If Ever I Saw Your Face

You saw the broken road before I did
You knew the heartache the was to come
You were always everything I needed
Giving me the strength to carry on

No this is not what I planned on

But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face

It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You've always been here for me
You've never walked away
You've never walked away

Now You're raising beauty from these ashes

And You're using my life to speak
So as I push through my fears and all this asking
I know You're guiding me

No this is not what I intended
But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face
It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You'll always be here for me
You'll never walk away
You'll never walk away

Though this path isn't always clear

I'm trusting in Your plan
I know You will draw me near
And hold me safely in Your hands

No this is not what I prayed for

But if there's one thing that I wouldn't change
It's knowing You more through my pain

If ever I saw Your face

It was the night that was so long
If ever I heard Your voice
It was the day that I was so alone
You've always been here for me
You've never walked away
You'll always be here for me
You'll never walk away
You'll never walk away

Wounded by the will of God

After almost three years of trying, we haven't been able to conceive. I've had several surgeries to remove Endometriosis and yet it aggressively grows back. We've done IUI (Intrauterine insemination) a few times but it hasn't been successful. What is God doing?

As I process where we are, I have many questions and emotions. I've been fumbling through moments of grief, disappointment and hurt but also peace, joy and trust. Fleshing out believing for a miracle while trying to surrender my desires to God is difficult.

In the beginning of this journey, I fully believed God would give us a biological baby. Month after month of no baby, my plans have been undone.  I cannot make MY plans happen. I’ve had to face the reality of where God appears to be leading us – whatever that looks like.

Most days I teeter between I still believe God CAN but I am not sure he WILL. So, where does that leave me? In limbo. I am finding that this place of uncertainty requires trust and continual surrender. It’s not an easy place to live yet I am constantly reminded to turn to the cross for what I need.

While singing these verses during worship this past Sunday, I had a deeper realization of the cross:

Where can I go
But to the cross to the cross
For there You gave
Up Your life for me
You gave Your life for me

You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior
You stretched Your arms out wide
I lift my hands up high to my Savior

So Lord I run
To the cross to the cross
Surrender all to my Savior King
Be my everything

Jesus knows what it's like to be asked to sacrifice. He knows what it's like to give something up. He knows what it's like to be wounded by the will of God. He said yes and God did the most incredible miracle – salvation for all came from Jesus surrendering his life.

This brings me so much comfort. Not just because a miracle is in the making, but because Jesus knows what it's like to feel loss and hurt and still choose to say yes to whatever God would ask. I can run to the cross and find that I am not alone in my suffering. I am not alone in my pain and fear.

If God is asking me to surrender my ability to have children, I am saying yes. I am saying yes to His will and to whatever incredible miracle He has waiting on the other side.

Only One Bridge

A poem I wrote in the midst of waiting.

I'm still in that waiting season and needed this reminder.

Letters from my mom

The world of written letters lives on through those that continue to put their pen to paper and create something personal that can be treasured. My mom is one of those people. I have several letters from her that I've saved over the years. I go back to these letters and see the remarkable love and encouragement she's always given to me. I hold those letters and feel a comfort that cannot be described.

She came to stay with us after my surgery in July. It was not a normal visit because I was still recovering and didn't have my typical energy. Also, I cannot lie – I was/still am battling disappointment.

 

As soon as she got to my house, we sat together and cried. Well, I did most of the crying and she held me and prayed for me. After that cry fest, we spent the rest of our time together talking, drinking coffee and watching movies. 

 

Towards the end of the week, she asked me to read her some of my blog posts. No doubt about it – she is my biggest fan.  As soon as I finished one she asked me to read another. As a writer, there's fulfillment in finding an eager listening ear. As a daughter, there's fulfillment in having my mom's undivided attention. 

 

My mom has always taken a genuine interest in anything I do or attempt to do. She's special like that. :-) She has always encouraged me and sees more potential than I see in myself. She is my mom so, naturally, I tend to think that she would love anything I write but that's not completely true or bad. 

 

While at our house, she wrote two defining letters to me. With the first sentence, I was brought to tears. That is what happens when someone who knows you so well writes words of love and encouragement. Healing covered my heart and I began to dream again. I began to yearn for God to use me and believed that he would.

When I read those letters from my mom, something inside me said that she was speaking the truth and it motivated me to keep walking. God's words are meant to do the same thing but with greater purpose. Letters from God sit on my nightstand filled with tremendous love and encouragement. He wrote those to me knowing I'd need them to help me through this life and all it brings.

Today I choose to take my letters from God and hold them close to my heart. Whatever that means, however it turns out - I will trust him and believe his words to be true.

Why morning is one of my heroes

Around 3am, I woke up from a terrible dream. Even though I had realized it was just a dream, fear was still in my heart. I looked around and told myself everything was okay. Yet, in the darkness, vivid images from my dream were floating around in my head while mysterious noises and shadows danced around the room. It took some time and prayer, but I was finally able to fall back asleep.

I woke up a few times and checked the clock. I knew the closer it got to 5am, the sun would begin to rise and bring me total peace of mind. When morning finally came, the fear disappeared and everything looked completely different in the light. My fear seemed so silly in the daylight…but it was so real in the darkness.
 

I started to think about how light breaks the power of darkness and how darkness can hide and distort the truth. The mysterious noises were now exposed as regular old house noises that wouldn’t give me a second thought during the day. The shadows of the moving tree branches were fading along with the ones my mind made up. I could see so clearly with the sun shining through my windows – banishing fear and the imaginations that accompanied it.

Many bible verses about light and morning came to mind:

Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning. His mercies are new every morning. Psalm 30:5b

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. John 1:5

The night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let us cast off the works of darkness and put on the armor of light. Romans 4:12

Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” Luke 1:78-9

When walking through a dark time, it’s easy to fear and doubt. It’s hard to see what’s really going on and it’s even harder not to dwell on the unknown. In John 14:6, Jesus gives the key to coping with and overcoming our shadow seasons, "I am the way, the truth and the life." He is the way = look to him. He is the truth = rely upon his word. He is the life = allow him to revive my spirit.

Although I know this, I don't always do a good job of practicing it. There are times in life that I "pull the covers over my head or lie paralyzed by fear until morning." However, there are those wonderful times I "rest with the peace of knowing that morning is coming soon." I believe this is where I am really supposed to live – at rest with peace because that equals trust.

Just like morning is my hero to rescue me from the darkness surrounding a bad dream, Jesus is my hero for the dark times I go through. For the darkest of times, this may mean holding on for dear life knowing Jesus is coming to break through like the morning sun to bring me truth and freedom.  

I needed to remember I need him

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. I had been trying to haul this load around, but I didn't realize it until I was on a phone call at work. (Side note: If this has ever happened to you, you know work is a really “great” place to have a breakdown.)

It hit me all at once: surgery, cost of surgery, the future, our dreams, will I ever be healed, children – everything all jumbled around with emotions attached to each thought. As I became aware of my tears trying to break through, I called Dave and explained what I was feeling. He said two keys things:

"God healed you of a lot of deep hurt and pain that we didn’t have to work through in our marriage so this physical need is just what we have to bear."

 

"This is not that big in the scheme of how big our God is."

As the tears flowed, release and relief came. I needed that reminder to renew my hope for tomorrow. I needed to think about how much God has already done and his limitless ability to take care of me. More than anything, I needed to remember I need him.

Sitting there, overwhelmed with my circumstance, I found myself in need of help carrying this heavy burden. This time, I realized my great need for him and I reached out. He took my hand and placed my burden upon his shoulders. What rest that brought my heart and mind.

Later that day, I figured out that I had my "awesome" breakdown at work because I hadn't been allowing myself time to process my emotions and I wasn't allowing God to help me deal with everything. How many times must I learn this lesson of not trying to be so strong? I don’t know. I can say that God does not walk away when I'm trying to do life in my own strength – he sticks around like no other and is always faithful to answer when I do finally ask for help.

 

Lord, let me not forget,

not take another step
without your strength
without your rest.

God spoke to me during a Super Bowl party

The game was almost over and it had been a fun, relaxing evening. However, in the back of my mind, I was exhausted from trying to figure EVERYthing out ALL of the time.

I have been fighting Stage 4 Endometriosis (Endo) for several years. It is a nasty disease that can warp the reproductive system, render a woman immobile due to the pain and even lead to infertility. Between my diagnosis in 2009 and today, I have had three surgeries to "clean me up." In that time, I have also been trying to fight this disease with every piece of knowledge I could find. I have spent hours researching and reading about Endo and any possible way to control it or, better yet, cure it.

The main theme I found was a very restricted diet: no caffeine, red meat, sugar, eggs, dairy or wheat. I had already eliminated dairy as I am lactose intolerant so I cut out caffeine. Sadly, I ended up having surgery within a year and a half. Next, I greatly reduced red meat, eggs and sugar but had another surgery just a year and two months later. Since then, I've tried to cut out wheat but here I sit having that familiar pain and discomfort.

Am I disappointed? Yes. Am I doing everything that I learned to do? Mostly. Have I made mistakes in my restricted diet? Some. Is it really in my control to change the rate at which it grows back? No.

I had just recently been thinking about my diet pre-diagnosis. I had little dairy and just simply listened to my body. I didn't have all of these insane restrictions and I also wasn't feeling worse or better than I do today. I have been asking God to help me not to overthink this matter but I hadn't been successful because I felt like I needed a solid answer.

Enters Dianne, my wonderful mother-in-law. As the last few minutes of the game played out, we sat in our comfy oversized chair and right away our conversation somehow (God-directed) quickly turned to my mental struggle. Every word that came out of her mouth was an answer to prayer. It was exactly what I was questioning.

As we sat there talking, I could feel the weight lifting off of my shoulders. Simple truth was breaking through all the confusion that had been filling up my mind. It all clicked: This was not in my power to control and God wants me to let Him take care of it.

As soon as everyone left, I took out my journal and wrote everything down. It's key for me to do this so I can go back to it and remind myself that God brought me peace through these answers. While I cannot share everything we talked about because some is very personal, I can share a few things:

*Just be me – pre-diagnosis Christy.

*Renew my mind with life-giving scriptures like 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind."
*Allow God to handle this and ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom.

I've applied these simple truths to other areas in my life yet my hyper sense of responsibility led me to think I should do/try all I can in this one area, but that's just not true. This is not my responsibility – it is God’s. All I can do is consistently take care of myself and trust God. That’s it.

I’ll never forget Super Bowl 2013 – God cares so much about me that He spoke to me during the final minutes of the biggest football game of the year. He’s a pretty amazing Father to do that.

He was sure of me

The more I get to know Dave, the more I see what a beautiful and meaningful act it was for him to tell me he loved me.

We’ve been married for three years and I’ve learned a lot about his decision making process. If we're making a major purchase, he researches it for months. Big decisions are made after much prayer, thought and analysis. He's a careful person – careful to choose the right steps and careful to move at the right time. I now know Dave saying "I love you" held so much more meaning than three words could possibly convey.

Four years ago on Christmas day, he took me to a special place on his parent's land and he told me he loved me. Before he was certain I would reciprocate, he made the decision to not only love me, but to express his love. He encouraged me to receive it without feeling that I had to respond. He allowed me to take his love in without any conditions. He was sure of me and he wanted me to know it.

That moment was powerful for me. And, over time, that moment has become more than a sweet memory. It has become a strong foundation that I lean upon when life gets rough. It has become a simple but elevating equation to recalibrate my perspective:

knowing how Dave's brain operates + his decision to love me = an overwhelming gratefulness for his love

From this gratefulness, I find a deeper understanding of God's love. Just as Dave offered his love to me before I uttered a word of my love for him, God was sure of me before I ever even knew of Him.

Thankfully and unbelievably, God's sureness of me doesn’t change. He is sure of me now with all of my flaws and mistakes. He is sure of me tomorrow and all that it may bring.

1 John 4:10, 19

¹⁰ This is real love...that He loved us and sent His son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.
¹⁹We love each other because He loved us first.